Am I being overly sensitive

[twattymctwatterson]

Was going to post in AIBU but not sure I can take the replies! I'll try to keep it short. Had a bit of a falling out with my mum tonight and just don't know if I'm in the wrong or not. Mum and I are generally close, she's been a big help in a practical way since my daughter was born and I probably wouldn't have been able to go back to work without her. However we have clashed on multiple occasions over the years over my perception that she's overly critical and I find she infantilises me and can be controlling. I have a DD who is 3, she was unplanned and the product of a1 year relationship. Her dad was EA and left as soon as I found out I was pregnant. He sees my DD now and they have a good relationship. My DM knows what exp is like and doesn't like him but she seems to always make comments about how difficult it is for my DD going from on house to the next, she talks about "mummy's house" and "daddy's house" rather than her own house and my DM comments negatively on this very frequently. I work 4 days and it's a struggle. Want to return to work FT but DM thinks my DD is too young to be away from her mum so long, is always being passed from pillar to post etc. Things came to a head tonight when my DD started crying for daddy after being told off (this is a new thing, she also does it to him with me) and DM commented that it's just going to get more and more difficult for her to understand why he's not there. I asked her if there was something she expected me to be able to do about that and said this type of comment just felt like a dig to make me feel bad. She said she was "just saying" and that I'm too sensitive- something she's always said. Am I being overly sensitive here? She seems to have a knack of making me feel like a failure as a parent on a regular basis

[twattymctwatterson]

Sorry that wasn't short

[NoMoreCricketDartsOrFootball]

You are NOT being too sensitive.

Your DM is minimising and dismissing your feelings. I'm guessing she has always done this. She will probably never be able to move past seeing you as the child and herself as the all-knowing parent - this is pretty common. My guess is also th


You're doing the best you can for your DD and you probably already feel plenty of guilt about things (don't we all).

[thefourgp]

Yanbu. Your mum sounds mean.

[twattymctwatterson]

Thanks for replying NoMore. Yes I think she does still see me as a child (I'm 36 ). I suffer from depression so worry that I don't take criticism well but the thing is that the things she's commenting on negatively can't be changed so it really does just feel like she's piling on the guilt about how much I've fucked up my life (I don't think I have btw my DD is wonderful and not being with her dad any longer is the best outcome)

[NoMoreCricketDartsOrFootball]

Oops pressed Post by accident too soon!

IMO trying to get your DM to understand how her behaviour affects you is pointless. As much as you would like acknowledgement and validation from her, you may never get it.

You KNOW you're a good parent.
You KNOW you're doing your best.
You KNOW your DD is well cared for and loved.
You KNOW you make decisions about your DD's care carefully and with consideration for what's best for her wellbeing.

This is all that matters.

It's easier for me because my DDs are older, but the approach I've taken with my own controlling DM is to gratefully accept the support she is able to give, and to let the rest slide off me like water off a duck's back. Easier said than done i know!

If you're the sort of person who likes to read stuff, you might like to google information about "personal boundaries".

[twattymctwatterson]

Thanks four. Like I said she really would do anything for us but can't see how her nit picking can be so hurtful

[Ilovecaindingle]

Sounds like she is worried your dd has put daddy ahead of her in the love stakes and she is a bit green eyed. .
Explain your dd is flourishing well having 3 adults who are there for her!

[NoMoreCricketDartsOrFootball]

Yes and depression doesn't help either - I know all about this too

[TakeItFromMe]

She sounds quite old fashioned. Loads of people successfully co-parent despite not being together. Your DD is lucky to have so many people who love her, and get lots of social experiences. I think your mum has rose-tinted glasses on of what might've been and maybe imagined a conventional nuclear family scenario. She needs to wake up that this way is different but just as good, better in some ways!

[twattymctwatterson]

Thanks everyone for the kind responses. It's a relief to hear I'm not being a total drama queen. NoMore I think you're right re personal boundaries. I'm trying to work on myself quite a bit this year and I think I need to establish mine more x

[Wotshudwehave4T]

Our DCs cry for the other parent and we live in the same house, or sometimes if being told off by both of us, for granny who lives elsewhere. Its a ploy and nothing to do with your relationship with your ex. Good luck with your mum, keep on challenging her when she over steps the mark, tell her it sounds like criticism and isn't helpful

[RandomMess]

"Our DCs cry for the other parent and we live in the same house, or sometimes if being told off by both of us, for granny who lives elsewhere. Its a ploy and nothing to do with your relationship with your ex."

This above, it means that your DD is bright and secure enough to try it on ignore your mother, I think it's a touch of the green eyed (and controlling) monster too...

[Isetan]

She isn't 'just saying', her commentary is divisive and designed to remind you that she knows best, the origins of her critique may be rooted in fear of not being needed as much as she was in the past but its no excuse to undermine your parenting.

Sit down and talk to her about how she feels about the upcoming changes and try and reassure her that just because things are changing, it doesn't mean it diminishes her importance in your lives but asserting her importance at the expense of you and your daughter, is unacceptable.

The dynamic between you and your mother isn't going to change overnight (it's been in the making for 36 years) but you if don't start asserting yourself now, it will only continue and will probably only get worse if she feels her authority being threatened.