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Help with boundaries and break up

(3 Posts)
alembec Tue 03-Jan-17 01:07:58

I thought I was in a good place following a bad split with exP in September (10yrs relationship, 1 child 1.5 yrs old). I was happy to properly split, using legal mediation to settle finances and contact, and was planning on starting legal proceedings in the new year. Following me stating that, and probably a very lonely Christmas, ExP now suggesting we see a counsellor together to work on our communication, and try to patch things either as friends, partners or co parents.

We had a relatively decent and civil chat yesterday, and though he didn't know if he really wants to reconcile as a couple, he didn't say it was impossible - he had previously been adamant that there was no chance. I guess I still love him (or at least the version I knew before the break up), and I feel I need to do everything to try to reconcile for my child's sake. Stupidly after that chat I asked him to kiss me and sleep with me, he kissed me but said sex would be unfair for both of us. I really wish I didn't do that but can't turn back the clock. We left it with him taking responsibility for booking a counsellor. Today I got in touch to say that I was pleased we had a good chat, and if he can let me know about the counsellor. He didn't reply or pick up the phone or call back. We had been no contact except for baby for months.

Now Im having a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, and not sure what to do.

Please can you help with any advice?

The reason for the break up was an emotional affair with OW, which I found out the truth about due to a friend randomly catching them together. for whatever reason she refused him after he broke up with me. He claims no physical relationship, they still work together and he says he feels a fool for thinking there was anything in it. Since the break up he slept with other people (ONS type of things). I guess I know this because when I got evidence of the deceit and lies he went a bit into shock and just confessed everything with hardly any prompt from me. Perhaps there is still more lies but I don't know.

Currently he takes the baby Saturdays 7am til afternoon at his or his parents', no overnight stays, and he comes into my flat to see him 10-15 minutes in the morning if he's in the area (he knows he has to get my permission day before if he does that). He has a key but does knock before coming in. He says he's happy with this level of contact. I think I am too as I really enjoy my time with the baby, though it is really hard if one of us is ill or if he's not sleeping well.

Monetarily he contributes same as before the split, though I understand I can expect more through legal settlement as he is a high earner.

What do you think I can do now to protect my feelings and emotions? Should I go to counselling with him? Should I get the legal stuff started at the same time? Should I stop the ad hoc visits? Should I carry on with no contact despite perhaps seeing a counsellor? If we split could it be amicable despite going the legal route (I insist on using lawyers)?

I'm all mixed up. It would be easier just to have a proper break and getting him out of my hair, but I guess I'm still slightly hopeful we can fix the relationship. But I don't want him back if he's doesn't change - he is not communicative, he finds it hard to share financially and emotionally, he has been an emotionally distant father to our child.

I am in counselling, I have redefined my career goals and really happy about working on that, I have good friends and family and support. I love being a mum and really enjoy taking care of our child, and I'm not afraid of being a single parent.

Maybe I'm deluding myself...

Thank you in advance.

StiffenedPleat Tue 03-Jan-17 01:15:01

It seems he offers you and your son very little of himself. Why do you want him back? What do you miss about him?

StiffenedPleat Tue 03-Jan-17 01:22:21

He's emotionally abusive. Not answering your text today is giving you the silent treatment. If he's having second thoughts about the conversation you had yesterday, he should communicate.

Please think very carefully about letting this man yank you around.

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