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Can't tell if it's PND(6 Posts)
DH and several others are convinced I have PND. I have been to the doctor about how I feel but he has told me he doesn't think it's PND and that it is my circumstances that are the problem. DS is 4mo and I also have a DD who is 2yo.
I am feeling like everything is hopeless. Not in a suicidal way, but in a way where I don't see the good in the world and think I have to take extreme measures to protect myself and the DC from harm. I feel that bad things could happen any second so we should not go out, not socialise, not trust people.
I have completely turned on DH. I find him hard to be around - every thing he does is "too this, too that". Little things he does annoy me, I find him pathetic sometimes. I have lost respect for him, I expect more of him than I know he can give. He can't win. I set him up to fail and I always act disappointed. We haven't had sex since we conceived DS and I don't even feel like being affectionate. I feel that he is to blame for the way I am feeling, but we talk it through a lot and I always realise after we talk that he is trying to do his best for us, but I slip back and blame him again after a while.
Shamefully, I have projected a small amount of my negativity on to DD. I lose patience with her easily, I feel afraid of her sometimes (not physically. I feel she is going to do something to trigger things that I am fearful of.) So I am a bit avoidant with her. Of course I take care of her well, but I have this constant anxiety around her like she might be about to do something that is going to make me not be able to handle things anymore. Eg if she refuses to get dressed or get in the bath or she writes on the wall with pen, or she runs away when we are out with the buggy, it all feels much worse and more world-ending than it actually is and I have to really control myself not to lose it.
I have developed extreme health anxiety about the DC. So I am desperately trying to be in control of everything dd touches and eats so that she does not get ill, nor give anything to DS. So I always take both of them (DD and DS) and never take a break because I don't trust anyone else to be as scrupulously hygienic as me. But of course that tires me more than anything else and I get more frustrated with DD. Vicious circle.
On to the circumstances...
I have unintentionally made my feelings about DH evident to everyone, so now, everyone thinks DH is the problem. Complaining about him has become my M.O.
The reason I have been angry with him is because ever since DD was born we have had money problems of his making. He got into debt while doing a high risk deal and we lost our house. He has been working overtime the past two years to pay the money off and we have moved 9 times since DD was born, in a desperate attempt to get out of this sudden and overwhelming debt. The web of debt was so complex that DH was the only one who could undo it, so I was faced with just having to take a back seat and trust him to sort it out.
In this time DH was also never present at home with me and DD because he was working all the hours he could, so I was also doing all the childcare and housework while having DD and while pregnant with DS and also moving house. I felt totally out of control of our circumstances,suddenly bereft of my ability to take charge of my fate and being at home with DD all day and moving around all the time I just felt so hopeless and that everything relied on DH who had already let me down. So I built up a lot of resentment and anxiety and feelings of helplessness.
I still feel out of control of my circumstances now that things are close to being ok again. DH is close to paying off the money, we are moving somewhere permanent next week, but I feel broken, exhausted, ill. I have put on 2 stone and I find myself disgusting. DH, however, has redeemed himself as much as he can at this point, there is nothing else he can do, so i really have to make a choice to forgive him now.
The GP says that it is my circumstances that are causing me to feel the way I feel and that when the circumstances change (which is soon,) I will feel better. And for now he is withholding anti depressants or a PND diagnosis.
Like I said, things have already begun to get objectively better in our lives. Everybody is expecting me to go back to normal. But I don't feel better. I don't know if I can. Will I feel better? I still feel utterly hopeless. I feel unable to smile. I'm confused about who is right or wrong now, or how I feel about everything that hasn't happened.
I can't separate the having of my two children from the huge time of upheaval and helplessness that it was. The circumstances were made a million times worse by having DD and later DS to look after on top of myself during this crisis.
What do you think it is? Do I have PND?
If you can't find any joy in the world and everything is hopeless then you need some support. Can you see another GP? Do you have support from family and friends? If not you can contact home start for some practical help.
There is a lot that has gone on for you, if you don't feel happy with how the GP is dealing with what you are presenting, have you tried talking to your health visitor or another GP?
Also MIND and PANDAS (post and antenatal depression association) would have helplines we you can talk to someone who might help you pick some of this apart.
It's not much help bring expected to wait a few months for 'things' to get better if you are struggling to get through day to day with anxiety, stress, relationships with your husband and children, isolating yourself, emotional exhaustion etc.
In your shoes, I'd probably print out your post and go to a different GP, and ask for another opinion. If they don't feel antidepressants are appropriate ask a other support they can suggest.
Difficult circumstances (and it certainly sounds like you've had a lot going on!) can be a contributing factor in PND - it doesn't mean you don't suffer from PND. From what you've said PND is certainly a possibility, this could also be linked to your anxiety.
Can you see another GP? Or talk to your health visitor? Depending on what area you live in, there may be a dedicated perinatal mental health team.
I hope the move goes well and things improve for you.
Tell your gp about the health anxiety as that can be pnd.
It sounds like bad circumstances have triggered PND and anxiety which is totally understandable, it's great your circumstances are about to improve but PND and anxiety usually need therapy and or drugs to fix it. I definitely recommend you do the therapy and as you have young children you will be a high priority and get seen soon. Drugs can help too, prescribed by GP, but therapy is really important IMO. If you can self refer to your local mental health service they can assess you, often over the phone, and tell you what they think. Often they do self referrals so you can just ring them.yourself. They will know better than the GP. They might have a therapist you could speak to over phone on Monday, explain how bad it is. This stuff is really horrible but unfortunately very common, but it is fixable and there are lots of professionals out there who will be able to help you.
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