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Partner in custody

(77 Posts)
OneSockOn Mon 02-Jan-17 08:41:32

Our relationship has been strained for a few months. We've been together for 5 years, living together in my house with my 3 DCs. There's been ups and downs, and I had become aware that things were going to end.
On NYE he went out with friends all day, leaving me to sort things myself, which I wasn't happy about. When I challenged him he said I could go out anytime I liked, but oh yes, you've not got any friends!
Anyway, he came home drunk, and fell out with me over something trivial, even the kids thought he was being stupid, and went to the bedroom, leaving us on our own. He was sulking, and stonewalled me. He came back and forth, making a big show of taking his suitcase through etc. I was saying, calm down, come and take in the bells with us? He left the house for 45 mind, walking, and then came back. We live in the country. It escalated just before midnight, when he taunted the kids that soon mummy and daddy would be back together, which upset the dcs. I left my ex due to abusive behaviour, driven by alcohol. There's no way I would go back, but he has developed a thing about it, as my ex and I are amicable for the sake of the kids.
He started name calling in front of the kids, you fucking bitch, cunt, etc, and I thought enough was enough, so I prepared to take the kids and myself to my mums. I had not had anything to drink that evening, and did not want my kids to see another drunken tirade, they'd seen enough from their dad.
He then pretended to call the police, due to my abusive behaviour, reporting me and saying see you in 5 minutes. I knew this was a pathetic attempt to scare me. The kids were hysterical. So we left.
Several hours later, I got a call from the police, to say he was in custody, and would need clothes for court on Monday. They wouldn't say why, but when I got home the next morning, his car was gone, there'd been an accident so I assume it was drink driving.
He had taken all his clothes, so clearly he was leaving.
I don't see any further future together. He'd behaved horribly in front of the kids, and knows we've had this before. He doesn't have a history of criminal activity, and has a decent job. My family have long thought he wasn't good enough for me. I'm reeling, as I can't believe he's been so stupid. Lately he's taken to blaming me for everything, so I'll get blamed for this. My opinion is he made a bad choice, and he needs to accept the consequences. His friend who he was going to stay with apparently thinks I should go to court, but I don't want to.
It's a mess of his making. I'm glad it's over, but he'll likely apologise and blame the drink, depression, something else! Dad says I should change the locks and cut ties. Kids are upset, and scared that he's in jail.
I needed to off load, you lovely lot helped me through my marriage failure, and I have name changed, as I'm so ashamed.

gettingtherequickly Mon 02-Jan-17 08:44:06

I agree with your dad. He made a choice to drive whilst drunk, he needs to face the consequences.

Dizzybintess Mon 02-Jan-17 08:46:14

That sounds awful for you and your children. It sounds like you know what you have to do xxx

BrightRedSpinner Mon 02-Jan-17 08:46:36

You poor poor thing. Of course you don't have to go to court if you don't want to - I wouldn't in your situation. He sounds absolutely awful and I agree wholeheartedly with your dad. His lack of criminal history means nothing - he is acting abusively towards you and if he drunk drove he deserves everything he gets. In all likelihood he has done similar before but never been reported to police. Neither you nor your children deserve this shit, you are well rid. flowersflowersflowers

Crazycat1980 Mon 02-Jan-17 08:49:01

I agree and I also think his behaviour to you is totally unacceptable and abusive. I think it would be worth logging it with the police in case you nee a restraining order or anything in the future.
I am so sorry this has happened OP. Sending you lots of strength to get through this.

Hassled Mon 02-Jan-17 08:49:09

Your father is absolutely right - change the locks and cut ties. I really feel for you - it all sounds hideous - but I really feel for your kids too. That must have been an awful experience for them.

Frankelly66 Mon 02-Jan-17 08:49:52

Someone who loves you wouldn't call you those names, regardless of kids listening. You need to cut ties, and if that's too hard then even just not have him living with you to begin with? Good luck

pinkblink Mon 02-Jan-17 08:50:16

He left you, then he drove drunk & crashed? So he wasn't your problem when he got in the car! Leave well alone, sounds like you and your kids are better off without him

RacoonBandit Mon 02-Jan-17 08:50:53

Take this opportunity while he is in custody to end your relationship.

Your dad is right, change the locks and pack up the rest of his things. I know it will be difficult but please read your OP. Is that the kind of life you and your children deserve?

You will get through this and you will be happier for it.

OliviaStabler Mon 02-Jan-17 08:51:29

I also agree with your Dad. Clean break, change the locks and block all contact. Good luck flowers

pklme Mon 02-Jan-17 08:52:55

Take this really clear opportunity to draw a line under everything. I would write down exactly what happened for the police and him to see when he is sober. He cannot believe this is your fault, or in anyway acceptable.

ChuckSnowballs Mon 02-Jan-17 08:53:18

I don't see any further future together.

Really? You have actually thought about a future together?

The sooner you wake up to the fact that your partner is a complete cunt the better. Who cares who he blames, not your problem any more. Or it wouldn't be, if you actually ended this relationship.

SparklyMagpie Mon 02-Jan-17 08:58:10

Oh your poor DC sad

You know it wasn't your fault, he CHOSE to get in the car drunk

Cut ties now and you can have a fresh start

You do not need someone like this in your life

All the best OP! X

Bluntness100 Mon 02-Jan-17 08:58:53

I feel sorry for your kids. Your an adult and can deal with him, they are powerless and are subjected to what ever he does. Inc being scared by him and watching and hear him abusing you.

I hope you're not going to court, because he will take it as a sign you will put up with anything and the friend probably wants you to so he can get rid of him. Let's face it, he probably doesn't want him staying there.

You're dad is indeed right. This should be game over for you.

OneSockOn Mon 02-Jan-17 09:01:30

Thank you I really just wanted to offload. I know it's over, and I'm glad. I'm going to gather his stuff, and get his friend to take it. I was just worried that he will expect to come home, kids are here and I don't want them witnessing anymore drama. Poor things have seen enough already.

AyeAmarok Mon 02-Jan-17 09:14:51

My opinion is he made a bad choice, and he needs to accept the consequences.

You are 100% correct with this.

MrsBertBibby Mon 02-Jan-17 09:18:02

Can you call the police to say he can't be bailed back to your home? If the court sets your house as his bail address you're stuck with him for a bit more.

Tell the police everything, frankly they need to know in case he decides to come over to terrorise your kids some more.

Isetan Mon 02-Jan-17 09:28:40

Did you have any counselling after your abusive marriage because you he may not be the same type of abuser as your Ex was but he is abusive.

Gather his shit together and protect your children from witnessing anymore of this shit.

Mouikey Mon 02-Jan-17 09:45:31

I hope that if it was a drink driving accident no one else was involved.

Absolutely not your fault. If he was going to his friend as they are so important, maybe the friend would like to go to court to support him and put him up if he gets bail. Are the courts open on bank holidays?

As pp explained call the police to ensure he isn't nailed to your home.

ohfourfoxache Mon 02-Jan-17 09:47:04

You have nothing - NOTHING - to be ashamed of. At all.

If you don't want to see his friend then pack his stuff and take it to the police station. Given the circumstances I'm sure they'd pass them onto him.

Be kind to yourself

RandomMess Mon 02-Jan-17 09:51:40

Remove any guilt, your Dad is giving you the best advice.

Ignore any gossip and rumour to come he is an utterly awful partner and you are well rid.

MatildaTheCat Mon 02-Jan-17 10:00:53

Send one last greeting via his friend: 'It's over.' Then block and delete. He's a disgrace and your year will definitely start to improve.

GloriaGaynor Mon 02-Jan-17 10:01:33

Who cares if he expects to come home? It's your house. Take charge.

LemonSqueezy0 Mon 02-Jan-17 10:02:01

This is two separate issues. How he spoke to you, and abused you and your children is absolutely enough for you to end the relationship. He's damaged them, and you, and it's unacceptable. Then, after that, he's driven while drunk. He chose to, and obviously has the consequences of that laid solely at his own door. You owe him nothing and need to focus on your own safety and the mental health of your children. The guy is dangerous to your family, on so many levels and I'm glad you recognise this before you got in too deep with him, or he subjected you and your children to irreparable damage.

ofudginghell Mon 02-Jan-17 10:34:47

This is the opportunity you have to remove him from your home and keep you and your children safe and stable.
Now he's packed a case on the idea of leaving anyway don't turn back. If he can do that in front of your children once you allowing him back in will give him the sign that you accept his behaviour.
Does he make you happy?do your children seem happy?
Really ask yourself these questions.
As you have already said your dc have already seen enough from their dads behaviour. Don't let them witness anymore

You have no reason to go to court at all. I would get the locks changed asap and ring the police on the non urgent number,explain all to them and that you are changing the locks so that it's logged.
I would then move on with your dc and build a stable happy life xx

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