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When do you know your marriage is over?

(13 Posts)
Joycet Sat 31-Dec-16 17:33:20

After a stormy 37 year marriage and two grown up children I feel I have to walk away. I have always tried to understand my husband's short temper and moods but I can't find the strength anymore. He should take anti depressants but has cut them down to half the dose again which causes his moods to return but he doesn't see that. He has told me again that I cause him to be depressed and to go back to the UK and leave him in Spain at our retirement home. I usually leave him for a couple of days and approach him to hopefully talk. This pattern just drags me down having to talk him round. I totally feel worthless and find myself questioning if it is me. I don't feel happy most of the time and do walk on egg shells a lot. I feel so resentful that he never makes an effort towards any area of our marriage despite living the dream of early retirement! His dream... Not mine...But I knew I had to try it as it meant so much to him but now I feel I have nothing in my life here in Spain. I feel very lonely going into. New year on my own due to another petty argument.

MrsExpo Sat 31-Dec-16 17:38:53

So sorry to hear your situation. You really know what you must do ... and i'm not one to usually advocate leaving, but this sounds like the end as fa as you're concerned. If your current life in Spain was his choice more than yours. then come home and stat again. Where are you DCs? Could you live near one of them to make the transition a bit easier?

Joycet Sat 31-Dec-16 17:58:10

We rent our house out so could go back. Just feel I have been on the brink so many times but have always managed to talk him round. He is so sure it's my fault and I know I am resentful of his behaviour which is due to his illness but I feel I can't keep begging him to stop being moody and silent. I give in too quick and he doesn't seem to care that it's always me who makes up. When he takes medication properly he is so different but when he decides he doesn't need it my life is misserable. He also promised he wouldn't become a drinking expat to excess but he does overdrink. This isn't what I thought early retirement is like. I am scared how long he would keep the silence going for if I don't talk first. I feel like I live in a prison stuck in the bedroom for days

fallenempires Sat 31-Dec-16 18:11:08

Sounds like an utterly miserable existence,and it is existing and not living.
What would you advise your adult dcs to do if they were in relationships like yours?

Joycet Sat 31-Dec-16 20:57:33

I realise that my life is miserable but I guess I need to hear it from someone else as no one knows. I don't tell anyone that I am being told to clear off home in the hope that he realised how unreasonable he is where he loses his patience over little arguments. I know I need to walk away. It's just realising that the time has come but worry I haven't tried hard enough

Joycet Sat 31-Dec-16 21:04:32

Good way to think of it fallenempire. I sort of feel relieved that I have put all this in writing and can actually see how pathetic my existence is. I have worked so hard to retire early and it's a pity it will not be as a couple but I can't work miracles. Has helped reading other posts too and know there is great support here. Thank you

fusspot66 Sat 31-Dec-16 21:12:29

Better to be alone, than miserably accompanied

fallenempires Sat 31-Dec-16 21:27:46

Tbh Joycet it's a simplistic way of looking at things.Goodness knows how you've managed to put up with it for all these years.As for his illness yes depression does make people difficult to live with but there's being ill & there's being abusive.If he were invested enough in his marriage & valued you as his wife then he would be committed to taking his medication properly.

Joycet Sat 31-Dec-16 21:56:20

You are right. I know that. I have been in denial and have made a rod for my own back and I am now paying for it. The worst thing is we have a holiday booked in 9 days and I can't go. It's going to be tough but I can't and this will make him very angry. This is a sure bet in his eyes that I will give in pretty soon but if I did I would be very annoyed with myself again. He doesn't believe he needs his meds. His depression is caused by me!

fallenempires Sat 31-Dec-16 22:48:15

Well if that's his reason for his illness then he'll be glad for you to leave and allow him to wallow by himself.Also I do hope that you're taking care of yourself and your own MH .

mulberrybag Sat 31-Dec-16 22:53:26

Please know that you deserve better than this flowers

Joycet Sat 31-Dec-16 22:59:36

Thank you everyone. I feel so much stronger somehow just by sharing how I feel. Feeling shocked by how I have come to terms that my marriage is over and almost relieved that I can tell everyone. A new year and life for me. Hoping 56 years old isn't too late. Will look forward to learning how to be independent again back in the UK with my family around me. Thank you again

fallenempires Sat 31-Dec-16 23:23:07

Happy New Year & 2017 will be your year,wishing you all the very best! wine flowers

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