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Moving on from EA relationship

10 replies

Pastabuse · 31/12/2016 15:01

I left my DH as he was emotionally abusive to me... We have to stay in contact because of the children.
He now has a new partner and seems really happy, takes better care of himself, they do things together, currently on holiday etc.
he wasn't nice with me, he was cruel and unkind so why am I so jealous? I see the lovely side of him now and just wish I could have brought that out of him.
How do I give myself a reality check over this? I'm wondering if it is just jealousy as he has moved on and I haven't. I would have him back if he was like he is now, but deep down I don't think he would be with me. He spent so many years putting me down; and I just put up with it,
I don't think he could suddenly start respecting me now. His new partner is much more assertive, strong and successful so I imagine would not put up with his crap. Probably what he needs....

OP posts:

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ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 31/12/2016 15:06

You don't know what's going on behind closed doors.
A leopard doesn't usually change it's spots.
Have minimum contact with him, only about the children when totally necessary.

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rememberthetime · 31/12/2016 15:45

The thing about EA men is that they feel you need fixing or changing and they tend to put you on a pedastal at times. I expect this early stage relationship he is having is seeming perfect because at the moment he feels it is. But he will start to find fault with her too and before too long she will need fixing.

But that really doesn't matter because what he is doing isn't important to you. But learning to recover from his treatment is. I had to go to counselling to recover and to grow. Improving my self confidence was the start and now i feel like a different person.

Just work on yourself. Focusing on him is taking away the precious time you have to start living your life how you want.

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MonkeysLostApostrophe · 31/12/2016 15:54

I understand your feelings about this OP, but I agree with pp that he will soon enough start to treat his new partner in the same way.
Unless he's been in lengthy counselling since you two split, in which case he may have changed.

My OH was EA and I stayed with him for decades. It was hard to leave but I'd reached rock bottom with him.
Two years after we split we started to see each other again and he was like a changed man. There was no emotional abuse. I only saw the kind and sensitive man that others saw and it was wonderful. Eventually we got back together.
Well needless to say a few years on and he's the same as he was before. Actually probably worse.

They don't change without therapy.

OP

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MonkeysLostApostrophe · 31/12/2016 16:02

just to add, kind and sensitive above should have read "kind and sensitive" because although he appears that way and is desperate to be liked, he really isn't.

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AhYerWill · 31/12/2016 16:28

I'm sure he was that kind and wonderful bloke at the start of your relationship too. EA is insidious though, and often impossible to see from the outside. Just because you see him being wonderful from the outside, doesn't mean it's the truth, just that you're now seeing his public 'perfect' persona.

Remember people aren't abusive because you've done something wrong - they choose to react to you in an abusive way. It's highly likely these patterns of behaviour will reappear with the new GF, although quite possibly not in the first year or two while he's still keeping the mask on.

Focus on the facts that you know to be true: he treated you badly when together and you're now free of his abuse. Anything else is likely part of his EA manipulative bollocks.

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Simonneilsbeard · 31/12/2016 16:36

The thing that screams at me from your post op is that you're still under the impression that what happened was your fault, that it was something about you that made him treat you that way.
That because she seems 'stronger, more assertive' she won't put up with his crap. So if he does treat her that way then he's the problem..you see that don't you?
It was never you. Sure everything may look perfect from the outside. I was in an abusive relationship and the amount of people who said to me 'oh you seem so happy together' and 'he's a real keeper you're so lucky' ..don't be fooled.

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Pastabuse · 31/12/2016 16:39

Thanks everyone. You are so right that I need to recover from how he treated me: my self confidence and self esteem were so knocked down that I don't think I am seeing properly anyway.
Just so hard to see some one acting in two completely different characters. Needless to say he denies any abuse (even though there are plenty of emails and texts demonstrating it) and that everything is my fault.
I think I really will leave contact to the absolute minimum so I don't have to witness more than i need.
I did wonder about counselling - also found a divorce recovery programme which I may try (massively cheaper option....)

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positivo · 01/01/2017 20:32

Pastabuse. I am 15 month past my own journey and my ex has a new partner and it all looks rosy. But I feel sorry for her, it's true. It will look 'perfect' from the outside, it's all part of abuse that he's continuing. I was with him for 23 years, it's ging to take time. Threads built up over any length of time take a while to dissolve. I had counselling. then stopped. I now do reiki, I see an amazing hypnotherapist and have recently done some tapping as I had a massive breakdown just before Christmas which was identified as PTSD, flashbacks from the previous hideous Christmas day.
YOU ARE NORMAL. We all have varying experiences, be grateful that you're not her. Be kind to YOU. I wish you lots of happiness and joy..

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/01/2017 20:39

Its not you, its him. He has not changed an iota. Men like him can target supposedly "strong" women because they see them as a challenge to further break down. He feels entitled to act as he does and even with therapy (and years of therapy is often needed, a few sessions is not going to cut it) abusers rarely if ever change. Therapy can also further teach these people how to further abuse their intended victims.

I would also look into enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid as this is for people who have been in abusive relationships.

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Pastabuse · 01/01/2017 21:00

Thank you. I have joined the Freedom Programme online but not got into it yet.
That's something I need to do. I'm still kind of in the stage of 'was it really abuse or did I just not stand up for myself?'
I know he would treat me exactly as he used to (he is still controlling in text/email now) I just feel annoyed he has moved on to another easy life playing Disney dad whilst leaving me in a bad way. But I WILL get through. Am going to concentrate on myself positively rather than trying to see what he is up to all the time. Thanks