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Can I do anything about where ex lives

(16 Posts)
BrightRedSpinner Sat 31-Dec-16 14:24:20

Have another thread about this in Legal Matters which has no responses, I know it's not the done thing to post another but I'm just hoping for some input.

Ex was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive to me. There are court undertakings in place forbidding him to contact me and an occupation order excluding him from my home. He hasn't had any contact with DC since split, ss involved.

Council have housed him really close to me, temporarily I assume but that can last for months or years. I am now really scared that I will bump into him alone, or worse, with the DC.

I have no doubt the council are not aware of the history or issues. Could I tell them? Would it make any difference? Could it look like I was harassing him if I did?

I have an IDVA based within the council, I wonder if they could contact the housing dept on my behalf? They aren't working until the new year hence my not just asking them.

I was practically in tears today after talking to a family member of his. Desperately trying to hold it together for the DC.

Apparently he is worried about meeting the DC 'accidentally'. But apparently he had to take what was offered. Surely if he'd explained the issues to the council they would have found him somewhere else? Even when contact starts it will not be unsupervised so it will still be problematic him being so close.

BrightRedSpinner Sat 31-Dec-16 16:41:38

Oh god, I've now double posted this thread in bloody relationships. Argh (have asked for duplicate to be deleted)

NotStoppedAllDay Sat 31-Dec-16 20:45:50

How close is he?

SWtoSEGirl Sat 31-Dec-16 20:51:44

I can't advise specifically, but I would definitely contact the council as soon as you can & tell them about the court orders, they should be able to offer support. This sounds like an utterly horrible situation for you.

Bellatrixandstrange Sat 31-Dec-16 21:11:45

I think the police can information share in cases like this. It's worth contacting the officer in charge of your last case and seeing if they can tell housing. This is also something your idva can do when they get back but housing aren't going to work at this time of year.
If you are high risk enough to be on marac then your social worker dealing with the children's contact can make representations but none of the above are guaranteed. Good luck.

Marmalade85 Sat 31-Dec-16 21:33:25

Have you got a non-mol to stop him coming to your house? Unfortunately it's the abused women that have to move and hide while the abusers get to do what they like.

My abusive ex lives 317 metres away from me and the non mol states he only has to stay 25metres away from my flat. He hangs around the shops in an attempt to 'bump' into me and my son.

BrightRedSpinner Sat 31-Dec-16 23:42:17

marmalade that's awful for you. Does he have contact with your ds?

He is 5 roads down from me, all tight terraced housing so not at all far.

I've already narrowly avoided 'bumping' into him on the school run (he clearly knows the route and times - if he really gave a shit about the effect on the DC of randomly running into him he would be taking steps to avoid places he knows we will be hmm). That was before I knew he'd moved back into town from where he had been bailed to.

It really does seem like everything is heavily stacked in his favour in many ways. As for me moving away, he has already told my solicitor that if I do he will seek to prevent me through the courts. I want to move back to my home town, which is only 50miles away, but I know he'll do anything he can to make it as hard, expensive and hellish for me as he can.

I know no one will be working until next week. I will email the OIC from my assault case, and my IDVA and social worker on Monday to see what any of them say. Good ideas thank you.

I am worried that he may be able to twist it to look like I'm harassing him, he is very manipulative. sad

Marmalade85 Sat 31-Dec-16 23:53:03

He sounds like a total bastard OP. Even if he does oppose you moving away, it will be considered whether it's in the best interest for the DC and not whether it's in his best interest so don't give up before you've started.

Cafcass recommended no contact but magistrates granted him supported contact in a contact centre for 2 hours every Saturday which is due to start in January. Absolutely dreading it. Just had to do the section 7 stuff and back in court on Valentine's Day confused

BrightRedSpinner Sat 31-Dec-16 23:54:44

Sorry, didn't answer - I no longer have a non-mol as I (possibly stupidly) agreed to drop it and have wider ranging undertakings instead because he said that if I didn't he would contest the occupation order and so the whole thing would have dragged on for months, been traumatic and expensive.

My barrister advised that I do it to avoid having to be cross examined by him. She said that anyone who knows about these things will understand that it was done for pragmatic reasons.

I went along with it on the day and then massively regretted it afterwards. Despite the fact that the non-mol was granted for a year on the day I applied for it, and the court had no intention of dropping it unless I had agreed - I know that he has represented to people we know that he challenged it and that was why it was dropped, and I really worry that it now looks like that from the outside sad

Which wasn't actually the answer... undertakings forbid direct or indirect contact, but there is no distance from me element. Occupation order excludes him from flat but no further. He even sat there in court, in front of the judge, saying he had friends who lived next door and he would be in and out if there all the time. And they didn't care. He doesn't and it was an empty threat - luckily he hasn't been to my place other than once when I was out. But he is full of empty threats. Unfortunately with him the violence or abuse has always happened with no threat or warning.

Just checked in google maps, he is 450m away.

BrightRedSpinner Sat 31-Dec-16 23:59:01

I'm not giving up - just feeling daunted at the uphill struggle I probably face.

Why the hell would they grant supported contact when Cafcass recommend no contact?!? What is the point of Cafcass if court will ignore them? And why supported and not supervised? Sorry that's not helpful to you - just my immediate reaction.

Poor you. How does ds feel about it?

Can I ask, when a contact centre is ordered by the court who pays for it? The state or the parent who needs supervision/support?

Marmalade85 Sun 01-Jan-17 00:00:18

The whole system makes me sick. The secret family courts are nothing more than an arena for abuse and the persecution of mother's who are simply trying to protect themselves and their children.

My ex has opposed the non-mol so will be back in court again. First it was 100m, then got reduced to 25m by idiot judge.

Marmalade85 Sun 01-Jan-17 00:04:20

He has to pay for the contact centre which is £42 per hour. The court didn't listen at all (I self represented) and just did what they liked. Supervised contact is over £100ph. I've heard of some mothers being forced to share the cost of a contact centre also although there are a few free ones I believe.

Marmalade85 Sun 01-Jan-17 00:05:36

My son has only just turned one and hasn't seen his dad since he was 8 months old so will be handing my baby over to what is effectively a stranger

BrightRedSpinner Sun 01-Jan-17 00:23:49

Yup, the system is totally screwed up. One magistrate sat there and sympathised with ex while he moaned bout sleeping on his mums sofa while simultaneously contesting the occupation order, the granting of which would have (and now has) got him onto the councils list for housing. Didn't point out the idiocy and illogicality of his opposition.

He lied in order to get an adjournment and it was proven by the police that it had been a lie, but no-one in the family court appeared to give a shit - he just got away with it.

One magistrate admonished him for various breaches of the non-mol, he said he didn't believe he'd breached it, and they just read it to him again - that was it. I was not represented except the last hearing and it's really hard - when you don't know exactly what's going on, or the process of precedent or anything.

And because it's private you can't find out much bout it as a litigant in person. It's shit. I'm really sorry you're going through it.

My IDVA came into court with me, not to advise but just to support. It was really helpful.

I'm fully expecting to be back in court because ss have told me contact needs to be supervised and I know he won't be able to afford it. Do you think money was a factor in why they ordered supported and not supervised in your case?

BrightRedSpinner Sun 01-Jan-17 00:25:28

Oh god, he's so young - I'm sorry. At least no harm can come to him in a contact centre I guess. That is so hard for you.

BrightRedSpinner Sun 01-Jan-17 00:27:49

bellatrix our case has been to marac yes. Thanks for good suggestions.

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