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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Someone give me a slap, and some solid advice

11 replies

moaningmyrtr · 30/12/2016 20:43

Name changed for embarrassing wet thread.
In relationship with DH, one child. Not going well, but recently made massive financial commitment that involves his parents. Because of work + young child I have lost all my previous life, I used to do a lot of art and dance, now can't as DH works erratic night shifts. Feel utterly miserable and trapped.
I occasionally get into cycles of falling for older guys, some I know, some off films and to. I'm in one now, utterly head over heels with a guy who is working with my company for a couple of weeks, due to leave in the next couple of days.
I can't concentrate, I can't deal with parenting or household stuff, other relationships, I'm totally thrown over to thinking about this guy. I feel like if he leaves without me showing my feelings I'll be throwing away a chance at a future with him (I do know this is unrealistic but still it persists) I can't discuss this with anyone as they all know my DH.
I feel like I'm in such a massive mess I can't get out. Any way I turn I lose.
Currently sat down the road crying in my car as I can't face going home.
I need some slap in the face straight forward advice.
TIA

OP posts:

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lionheart · 30/12/2016 20:47

No slap but, like you yourself have said, it is a cycle, it will pass. Can you talk to your DH about it and try to work out how to feel less suffocated?

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lionheart · 30/12/2016 20:47

No slap.

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HaylJay · 30/12/2016 20:51

Aww it sounds just like not being able to do things you enjoy is just taking its toll on you!
You sound like a really creative person - you said you enjoyed dance and art.
Maybe because you don't get to express your creativity anymore your brain is creating these fantasies!
I think it might help to discuss with DH or a friend/family member that you miss having time for yourself and your interests.
I think its important to be able to have time for things you enjoy as it keeps us sane!
Hope things start to look up for you x

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RebelRogue · 30/12/2016 21:22

Do you love your DH? Do you want your marriage to work,or are you just in it due to the financial commitment? Would your inlaws look after dc or can you afford a babysitter to have a few hours to yourself and do what you enjoy?

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moaningmyrtr · 30/12/2016 21:57

Thank you for your lovely messages.
Having a little cry.
Rebel I just don't know. I have thought about us breaking up, but I'm aware that he doesn't know how miserable I am because I don't know how to approach it without it exploding into a row. We barely see each other, and although I've tried to set a date for us to go out once a month or so but he's never been keen, he prefers that we spend time as a family, but that obviously limits what we do. His parents look after DC when we're both at work, so I feel awkward asking them to be there in the evenings as well.
I'd like to start a baby sitting circle with my mumfriendship group, so I think I need to get in that asap.
Thank you 😘

OP posts:

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TheVeryHungryDieter · 31/12/2016 02:49

Take a deep breath. It sounds like you've thrown yourself into the crush as a form of escapism - you're going through a stressful time and sometimes the brain latches on harder to something that makes us feel good - especially if it's an alternate reality.

I don't get crushes - I'm not really around other men - but there are times I've practically built my new life far away from DH and the kids based on nothing more than seeing a job advert and browsing RightMove. Sometimes I get as far as mentally packing the car... but it's escapism. There's too much difficult stuff going on that isn't pleasant to think about. I really sympathise with the trapped feeling, we recently moved too and the extra commute, two toddlers and work means there's no time that isn't accounted for - I can't go anywhere and even if I had somewhere to go I'd have no one to ask to do things with any more. Like your DH, mine is all about faaaaaaaaaamily time on weekends and I don't feel like I can get away. As a massive introvert I do struggle with the time and noise and constant attention-seeking from my children. There's no time or energy left to recharge myself before it all starts again!

Don't beat yourself up about it. It will pass, you know it will, you've been here before. It's one of your quirks that you deal with stress by getting crushes on random people. But we're not the thought police. What you do is more important than what you subconsciously think or the naughty thoughts that race through your brain when you suddenly catch on that they shouldn't be there, but follow that train of thought anyway.

Give yourself a break, and some love, and start working out where you can fit some breathing space in to your schedule to take a break for yourself.

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Manumission · 31/12/2016 02:55

You've told us what it means; You feel trapped and miserable.

You have to talk to your DH.

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Joysmum · 31/12/2016 06:44

There is nothing wrong with you needing and wanting to have a few hours a week for yourself. You sound like you need it and it would make all the difference to your wellbeing.

What concerns me most is why you do t feel able to share your thoughts and feelings with your DH? Gods martiages are based on communication so if you can't communicate, this starts the process of you both growing apart and a wedge in your marriage.

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moaningmyrtr · 31/12/2016 19:10

Thank you all for your messages, I feel much less alone!
The guy has now left, doubtful I'll ever see him again so deep breaths until the feelings pass I guess. He is super gorgeous though 😄
I think that what it is is that I find people or things to obsess over so I don't have to think about or deal with what's going on in my real relationship. As long as I'm happily daydreaming about the latest guy, and imagining I can be happy with them, I don't need to admit what's really going on.
Thank you for helping me realise that.

OP posts:

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RebelRogue · 31/12/2016 20:33

And what is really going on?
Not that you have to tell us,but rather is it fixable? Can it be worked on if things/circumstances changed?

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moaningmyrtr · 31/12/2016 21:22

Lack of communication, my fear of confrontation. I've tried to bring up my unhappiness at being away from what I used to do, and missing my friends, but he gets defensive and says I'm blaming him, saying his a shit dad and a shit husband. Then he starts talking about quitting his job (that he loves) and getting a crappy 9-5 if I really need to have more time for myself, and it never gets anywhere. I give in because it's easier, and it goes back to how it was before.
There feels like there is so much that needs to be changed I can't choose where to start. Short of sitting him down and telling him I'm miserable, which usually leads to defensive behaviour.