I have serious issues and I need help.

[HeatherMoony]

Hi.

As the title says, I have serious issues and I need help before I make myself ill. To not drip feed I just want to say first that I do suffer badly with anxiety and I have an appointment with my gp to see if I can go back onto some tablets to try and bring it down.

I'm 28 and have one ds. I split with his dad coming up to a year ago (we were together 7 years)

Since then I have had:
1 FWB situation
One drunken kiss with a friend of a friend
One flirty texting situation with a workmate
And I went for one date with a man On xmas eve (ds was with dad will xmas day dinner time)

Anyway, just thought I'd give a back story. But yes, I have serious issues and I really need help. I'm on my phone so this may be a bit of a ramble but I'll try my best to make it all make sense.

When I like someone or someone shows an interest in me, I become a nervous wreck who is constantly, and I mean constantly, thinking about the person, checking my phone, re reading the messages they sent, sending screen shots to my other single friend (who is just like me so I think we feed each other) to get her opinion. I feel really anxious, and i start feeling sick. Waiting for them to get in touch is like my ever consuming thought.

Take the man I went on a date with. We had a brilliant time and we got on well, and have arranged to go out again tomorrow night for a few drinks. All good. However I didn't hear off him yesterday and have text him this morning and he hasn't replied. Any rational person would think as we have arranged to go out tomorrow there was nothing to speak about yesterday and this morning it is still early and some people don't have their phones welded to their hands. However I'm back to feel anxious and a bit teary.

I KNOW I sound completely irrational and crazy and I do not want to feel like this. I am never ever going to be in a happy, normal relationship if I am on the verge of tears because someone I have spent a grand total of 7 hours with has not replied to my message.

I am a professional woman with a good job, amazing son, own my own home, good friends and a solid family and yet here I am, checking my phone every few seconds. And this is what I am always like. I was like this before I met exdp and I am even worse now. I need help, serious help. I can't afford counselling but maybe some self help books? As I said, I will already be going back to the docs for help.

Has anyone got any advice? As I have said, I know I am completely irrational and it's a horrible, horrible feeling.

Thanks if you've got this far !

[category12]

Are you sure dating right now is what you need to be doing? Seems to me you would be better off sorting your head out and not getting fixated on blokes.

[TheoriginalLEM]

This is a manifestation of your anxiety. Hopefully some medication will help. There is counselling available on the nhs although there are waiting lists.

See if you can turn your phone off go out abd leave it at home and ffs don't send too many texts. Treat these dates as a bit of fun. otherwise avoid doing it as it is only causing you grief just now.

fellow anxiety sufferer here . i would be the same do i sympathise

[Beautyisintheeyeofthebeholder]

Heather you wouldn't be the first, or last to be dating whilst feeling this way. Unfortunately we seek validation from men, have the urge for stability marriage children etc. I'm not sure what I'd do personally, maybe invest in some counselling cbt whatever. But I know loads of insecure women in relationships. In fact they out number the secure ones who are single apologies if that's not much help, I just felt compelled to write as I've felt a little like you do now.

[Fedupofhim]

I agree with pp. Your sounding not ready for dating. Concentrate on yourself and your son for a while. For what it's worth sounds like you have plenty going for you so build on that and give yourself a break.

[WanderlustQueen]

Oh lovey, you poor thing. I have anxiety too and I recognise some of what you are saying in me. I have a tendency to obsess - not over men though, other things. I think it maybe part and parcel of the anxiety.

One phrase I heard - it may even have been on MN - that has really stuck with me is: "You can't pour from an empty cup". In this instance, I think you need to be focusing on yourself and getting yourself to a place where you feel better within yourself. It's great that you are going to the GP, that helped me massively. Take some time for self-care.

But if this guy seems worth hanging in there for - try some distraction techniques if you start to fret. Even something like going for a walk, or doing a sudoko (works for me because I'm terrible at maths so I have to mega concentrate). Have a bubble bath, do your nails etc. Anything to divert your attention. And know that you are worth it - he should be fretting over you!

[100milesanhour]

This is your anxiety talking.

Please visit your gp and ask for a referral to CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy)

As for books. There is a great one called overcoming low self esteem and I highly recommend it. It's written by Melanie Fennell. It covers intrusive thoughts and self esteem issues that relate to anxiety.

That book and a course of CBT really helped me and changed how I approach intrusive thoughts and my anxiety issues.

I've been where you are OP and it's a dark place, please seek help and you WILL get through this. It takes some hard work and some soul searching but you'll get through this. X

[HeatherMoony]

Thank you all so much for your replies, you really don't know how much they mean to me.

In answer to some questions, I don't really date, this is the first time I've actually been on a proper date since my relationship ended. I probably aren't ready but he asked for my number and it was nice to go out. You're 100% right though in that I need to sort my head out before I get into anything, I'm just not sure how to do this. Counselling, self help books shit loads of alcohol ?

He has replied and confirmed tomorrow and yet I feel deflated. It's even about him really, I think it's just how my mind works.

I am pleased though that you all seem to think it's my anxiety manifesting itself this way, it makes me feel better that I'm not some crazy bunny boiler. I feel like I'm losing my mind though. My texts have been light and breezy, if someone doesn't reply I don't message them again, luckily I can hold myself back.


I'm going to ring my doctors first thing tomorrow and try to get an emergency appointment, I was really ill a few years ago with anxiety and I think I'm sliding back into it. I need some kind of professional help.

Thanks again for all your replies, I was so scared you'd all say I was a crazy person. I'm so scared of everyone thinking I'm losing my mind that I rarely talk about my illness with anyone.

I'm going to take a step back and concentrate on getting my head sorted. My anxiety seeps into every aspect of my life, but this is the one that just seems so much more prominent right now.


And yes wanderlust you're so right in saying he's the one who should be fretting over me. I'm a catch even with my funny brain
He does seem lovely so we will see. I need to start trying to enjoy it though.

Thank you all again, going to take ds out for some dinner now

[HeatherMoony]

Thank You 100 miles, I will order that book tonight! I will also look into cbt, I didn't realise it was free on the NHS and I have not been offered it before, even when I was signed off work for 6 months

[100milesanhour]

You can usually self refer to the primary mental health care team in your area but you can also have a referral from your GP.

You're taking positive steps and that's wonderful.

Every day isn't going to be easy and you'll never not have intrusive thoughts again, but with CBT, it helps them go in one ear and straight out the other. You can have relapses but the book I have put you onto also has small exercises and examples so it's easy to see how the mind can change what actually happened into this catastrophic event that has a ripple effect on your mental health plus working with the materials you get at CBT can end the cycle.

I'm glad you posted this today because today is day 1 of breaking the cycle.

[HeatherMoony]

Just a little update that I've got an appointment with the doctor at 9am this morning, I know it won't be a quick fix but I've been suffering for so long, I'm just glad that hopefully I'll start to get better.

We're going on a second date to a local show tonight so I'm looking forward to that but I'm going try to relax, enjoy it and not over analyse, which I know I'll struggle with but he seems lovely so would rather see if it's going anywhere.

Thank you so much everyone, I wouldn't be going to see the doctor today if it wasn't for all your kind words and encouragement

[Ancientstripes]

You have an attachment disorder.

[HeatherMoony]

ancient what is that?

[TheoriginalLEM]

Wow - you must be top of your field Ancient. To be able diagnose a serious psychological disorder after reading a few paragraphs.

[TheoriginalLEM]

I hope your appointment went well OP.

Enjoy the show tonight x

[HeatherMoony]

Thanks LEM he gave me sertralin (not sure on the spelling) and gave me the number for a local counselling service. To be honest I was in and out in under 5 minutes but hopefully this will keep me on the right path. I think this 'romantic' situation has just been a catalyst and has made me see how ill I have become again.

Hopefully tonight will go well though, he lives 45 minutes away but is coming to pick me up and take us another 30 minutes to the show so hopefully a good sign!!

[HeatherMoony]

Andddd he's just text me to cancel. Bad cold apparently and wants to rearrange for next Friday? Don't know what to think

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Don't analyse. Assume he is telling the truth. He has a cold, however would still like to meet up when he's feeling better.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

and has suggested a specific day. (which, if I were analysing , seems good)

sending warm wishes

[Deadsouls]

You can get low cost counselling to explore your anxiety and attachment issues. IMO you're afraid of being abandoned and that gets triggered when you're in the dating/relationship scenarios.

I'm trying to think of some helpful books. I'll post a link if I find one.

[Deadsouls]

www.amazon.co.uk/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-Help/dp/1585429139?tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1608828158/ref=pd_aw_sim_14_2?ie=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=JMB35JTHMJ1J8JCGZB60&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

[HeatherMoony]

Thanks pussycat, that's exactly what my best friend said. It wasn't just a 'sorry can't make it but we'll organise something soon' kind of thing. And he apologised twice in the text and said he felt terrible for letting me down as he knew I'd organised babysitting for ds. So yeah, we will see.

Thank you dead souls, I need all the help I can get so any book/recommendations are very welcome