DD1 (13) and sleepover

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

We have recently moved to a new city and I am thrilled that DD1 is making new friends. She has requested a sleepover with one of them. I love hosting sleepovers and having friends over in general but this one has me and DH completely flummoxed.

Pretty sure that DD1 is gay, have not had the conversation yet but all signs point that way. New friend is trans, identifies as male but biologically female. I know sexual orientation and gender identity are two separate things. I don't think there is anything romantic between the two of them but not sure. I obviously need to talk to her about this but I need to get my own thoughts straight first. Not really sure exactly what I am asking here, just a chance to talk it through I guess.

[ALaughAMinute]

13 is way too young to be labelling children so I would forget using words such as trans or gay until they are old enough to decide for themselves.

If you think there is even the remotest possibly of a romantic relationship you should do all you can to discourage the friendship and not have her friend over for a sleepover. Your daughter is too young to have sex with anyone male or female and you have a duty to protect her as a parent.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

I had my first boyfriend (hand holding and a bit of snogging) at 13.

I agree about labelling children, but those are the facts.

[allowlsthinkalot]

Erm....alaughaminute is WRONG! Why would you discourage the friendship? You sound like a lovely mum and what you need to be doing is getting to know the friend and creating an open environment where your dd can talk to you.

Can you have a general conversation about rekationships and boundaries so that she knows she can confide in you?

I knew I was gay by the time I was 12.

[allowlsthinkalot]

Yes, they're too young to have sex. But it does happen and naive to think it doesn't. A boyfriend or girlfriend at that age doesn't necessarily mean a full sexual relationship and making people who are important to her unwelcome would be a sure fire way to alienate the dd!

[fredabear]

Gosh alaughaminute that's a bit extreme! My dd came out in the summer, she was 12 and more than capable of knowing her own mind.

OP I'd talk to dd and establish what she feels and what her relationship is with new friend then take it from there. You do sound lovely so am sure you will do the right thing.

[HamletsSister]

DS knew, and told us, he was gay at 12. He had known for more than a year.

I think you have to ask her. And tell her that they can't share if it is a relationship as they are too young. Teens are very good at knowing the difference and mine will accept a different set of rules, depending on if it is a friend or a boy/girlfriend.

And, you have to have the same rules regardless of gay / straight.

[Haggisfish]

13 is not too young for people to be identifying as gay or straight! Most gay people I know have always 'known' and realised around 6 or 7 I think. I would try and have a chat about it op.

[Foxsox]

13 isn't too young AT ALL
Maybe suggest meeting the friends parents? Do you know them well?
Would you be inclined to offer your house as a sleep over to begin with ?

[Houseofmirth66]

It's clear that you're not suggesting breaking off the friendship but worried that if there's a sleepover they might have sex. You wouldn't allow your 13 year old daughter to sleep in the same room as a friend who was a boy so you shouldn't in this case either.

[ALaughAMinute]

Erm....alaughaminute is WRONG! Why would you discourage the friendship?

Because the OP seems to think there might be a romantic interest and her daughter is too young to have sex.

[scottishdiem]

Disregarding ALaughaminute completely I would suggest you talk to DD1. You can point out that you probably(?) wouldnt sanction a sleepover between her and a friend with a penis so you are wondering about it now.

Do you have space for different rooms for them to sleep. I had sleepovers with both male and females throughout my early to mid teens but it was actual sleeping in different rooms was enforced by all our parents.

[Cricrichan]

I fancied boys since I was about 7 but didn't sleep with anyone until I was 21.

I think you have to wait until she tells you.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

I have zero problem with DD being aware that she is gay at her age. I think she is old enough to know herself in that way.

To respond to a few questions:

We do have a spare room yes.

I've met the mum once and talked to her on the phone once. We've met the friend about half a dozen times.

The friend is a very nice person, interesting, values school, able to talk to adults properly IYKWIM, all you would want in a friend or boy/girlfriend for a DC.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

I am not sure whether friend has romantic inclinations towards DD, not even sure if DD would know this!

[user1477282676]

It's tricky with teens who are gay because some risk is removed immediately...ie pregnancy but that doesn't mean that the children are ready for the implications of sex as you realise.

The best thing you can do is talk to DD in a general way about emotions and relationships versus emotions and friendships....letting her know that sometimes lines blurr and it can be confusing but that she can talk to you at any time about her feelings.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

To be honest I don't actually know the friend's orientation. He identifies as a boy but I don't know if it is a straight boy (and therefore possibly attracted to DD) or a gay boy (attracted to other boys).

Feels wrong to want to know the sexual orientation of someone else's 13-year-old DC

[Heirhelp]

Hearts I have no advice to offer but I just wanted to say that you sound like a fantastic parent.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Thank you Heir

Parenting is so tricky sometimes!!!!!!

[Asuitablemum]

Could you just go ahead with the sleepover but say that as the friend is a boy and she is a girl they have to actually go to sleep in separate rooms?

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

I would go with what asuitablemum says. If your DD then says that her friend may identify as a boy but they aren't romantically involved then you can reconsider. You need to investigate your DDs feelings about this friend a bit more, which would be instructive on several levels.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

Well thank you all for the advice, which was to actually speak to DD about it all!

I've spoken to her. As embarrassed as she was by the conversation typical teenager it was a really good chat. They are just friends, nothing romantic, DD has not really had any romantic feelings towards anyone yet. We danced around the subject of her being gay without actually saying the words.

The best part is that I feel like she is pretty comfortable talking to me about all this sort of thing.

user1477282676 you are so right, it is much more straightforward when they are not gay because you can simply segregate sleepovers along male/female lines. But as Hamletsister said, they are good at knowing the difference between a friendship and a romantic relationship - and hopefully I will be able to tell the difference too.

[Haggisfish]

Well done op. What a fab mum you are!

[Prawnofthepatriarchy]

Congratulations. A fine spot of successful parenting there, OP.

[HeartsTrumpDiamonds]

You guys are all very sweet