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How long to give it before leaving?

(15 Posts)
anyname123 Wed 21-Dec-16 10:46:10

Any help much appreciated. I'm desperately unhappy in my relationship, DP drinks too much, is of very little help around the house, but is not abusive. We have a 2m/o. I know you'll ask why I had a baby with him, I guess because he talked the talk and I genuinely believed he'd step up into parenthood (as I feel I have done).
Friends and family have advised me that due to new baby hormones etc I can't be thinking completely straight, but the honest truth is that we are making each other completely miserable.
Separating will mean my little one is financially worse off, we'll have to move to a tiny flat etc, but it seems worth it.
How long should I allow for the hormones to clear in order to make a decision I won't regret?
Please no flaming, I'm feeling vulnerable and miserable enough as it is sad

Joinednow Wed 21-Dec-16 10:51:25

As long as it takes you to pack your stuff and move out. He's no good to you and you are effectively a single parent anyway so what's the point of carrying on with this misery. Take the leap, make the break, you will be better off.

Mrsdraper1 Wed 21-Dec-16 10:55:06

Were you unhappy before little one was born?
If so then just do it and don't look back. People think having a child brings you closer but it doesn't, it widens any cracks that were there.
Maybe you could ask him to move out for a month to give you some space while you think about it?
I agree with pp that if you are already effectively a single parent you might as well do it officially, if you only have to rely on yourself you don't get annoyed about someone else not pulling their weight.
Good luck

Bluntness100 Wed 21-Dec-16 10:55:17

Can you give context please? How much does he drink that you classify as too much, and when you say he does nothing round the house, does he work and what sort of hours?

Eight weeks isn't long to decide he's a shit parent to be honest and it's game over. Have you talked to him about it? Had any agreement on how to proceed?

anyname123 Wed 21-Dec-16 11:05:58

I was unhappy a lot whilst pg, obviously delighted to be pg, but unhappy that he didn't really alter his choices in any way to consider me.
bluntness very good points. I went to bingo on Monday as an example, with his friends wife, got back and DP and his friend were glassy eyed and wobbly in charge of baby (posted about this as he made me feel I was being unreasonable asking him no to drink in charge of LO). He will rush through things that should be lovely (like buying a Christmas tree etc), to get home and drink, he feels he should drink slowly and steadily all weekend as he works in the week. He does work, Mon-Fri 9-5, and pays all bills (I contribute £100 and buy all food whilst on mat leave), which is why I say he isn't abusive, just a bit shit and not much help. He loves LO but will avoid bathing her, changing shitty nappies etc, he seems to love her mostly when she's fed, dry, and smiling ( wouldn't we all!!)

Adora10 Wed 21-Dec-16 11:09:05

He's an alcoholic, you'd be doing your child a massive favour by getting away, bring her up on your own, thousands of us are doing it every day, so what if you will have a smaller home, least you won't be stuck with a lazy, disgusting drunk.

xStefx Wed 21-Dec-16 11:09:57

Have you told him that you are this unhappy and considering leaving him? You say he isn't abusive so that means you may be able to talk about this rationally. Tell him you will leave if things don't change and see if he steps up. The fact that he rushes normal family things because he wants a drink is worrying mind. Hope your ok OP x

JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu Wed 21-Dec-16 11:13:49

he's an alcoholic.
he'll only get worse and pull you down with him.
you should end this relationship today.

Simonneilsbeard Wed 21-Dec-16 11:14:36

Well he refuses to do any hands on practical parenting and gets drunk while looking after a tiny newborn with his equally fuckwitted friend. That's plenty for me to be going on with. It would be over. He's neither use nor ornament to you.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 21-Dec-16 11:18:29

Do you know what he earns?
Try to get some sort of proof of this if you can.
Wage slip etc...
Then get yourself to citizens advice Bureau.
Find out what benefits you would be entitled to.
What maintenance your 'D'P should pay.
What housing you could get and then take it from there.
He's useless.
This is when you need him the most and he isn't stepping up.
So it's not going to get any better.
Do you have family or friends you could go to in the mean-time?
Rest up and get some support over Christmas???

anyname123 Wed 21-Dec-16 11:21:25

Thank you all so much.
Adora I didn't mean to imply that living in a small house is shit, just that I was brought up by a single Mum and must admit that at times I looked at my friends having holidays and nice stuff and sometimes felt a pang of envy.
Stef I have spoken to him, he says that I'm never happy with whatever he does, he feels excluded in his own home etc. I just want the absolute best for my daughter, and wonder if I have become a bit of a ball breaker in pursuit of the perfect family life, I'll admit I'm hormonal and wonder if my judgement is a bit clouded.

Simonneilsbeard Wed 21-Dec-16 11:27:22

I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect your partner/child's father to not be drunk while looking after his child and to expect him to change nappies, do bathtime and bedtime and all the other bits the make up the grunt work that is parenting.
Perfectly reasonable. Expecting this doesn't make you a ball breaker.
Him not doing it makes him a lazy tosser.

Brighteyes27 Wed 21-Dec-16 11:28:54

It can be unbelievably hard work in the early days especially when your both tired and narky from sleep deprivation. But it sounds like your both pulling in different directions and it shouldn't be like that. He sounds a waste of space make enquiries as someone suggested re:benefits/maintenance. Have one last frank chat with him this shouldn't really be necessary but at least you will know you have tried. But if he still doesn't get it or makes excuses just walk away with your l/o. It will be hard but easier than having to carry him whilst being a single parent. Take care.

Adora10 Wed 21-Dec-16 11:41:08

No your judgement sounds fine, in fact you sound extremely tolerant given the circumstances.

Adora10 Wed 21-Dec-16 11:42:10

Fine to envy others but instead make yourself proud by raising your daughter in an alcohol abuse free zone; you're doing it all anyway OP, he does nothing.

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