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I can't do this

(18 Posts)
ruddyfantastic Sun 11-Dec-16 20:46:42

Long story short, my dh left me 3 months ago, no real reason other then he was unhappy and couldn't do it anymore. I'm handling it the best I can but it's obviously devastating.

With Xmas coming up it was arranged that we would still do it together, he would come over and spend the day with the kids and leave about dinner time. I'm really really struggling to be amicable, I thought it would be calmer by now but I'm still furious, feel like there is no real reason for what is happening, I don't think I can pretend-i know I'm supposed to be a grown up and rational but he makes my blood boil. I just tried to have a talk with him and hash it out, explain how I was feeling and that I was struggling, he got furious- so so mad, he kicked a chair at me, kept smashing his fists down and slamming doors. I don't understand his anger- I feels it's so misplaced, I know I should be feeling it but why should he?

I know I have to get my shit together for the kids sake and just get through the day but I'm so worried it s going to be this horrible toxic atmosphere (that I grew up with) everyone pretending to get on, but secretly going into other rooms to cry or scream.

Has anyone managed to do this so soon after separating? Has anyone actually managed a good Xmas day with things separated?

awayinamazda Sun 11-Dec-16 20:53:39

It seems very soon after the break for u both to be trying to do a joint xmas, it's bound to be hard (and his temper when u tried to talk doesn't bode well for a good atmosphere, even if u could be an oasis of calm...
How old r the kids? Do they know and understand the 'joint xmas day' plan? If there is scope to make a different plan I would seriously see if u can - it sounds a bit ambitious...
Could u take the kids to his DMs house (or other relative) and drop them off for a few hour so he can spend time with them perhaps? They might not then see anything awkward, but it may remove the risk of a difficult day.

jules179 Sun 11-Dec-16 20:59:42

It doesn't seem like you are both going to be able to have a calm and happy day together.

I've been separated for over a year (my choice). My STBX wanted to do a joint xmas, but I couldn't bring myself to agree to it for numerous reasons. Ultimately I think that it will be better for our children to not be exposed to parents who have negative feelings about each other trying to fake a 'happy' christmas day.

Bogeyface Sun 11-Dec-16 21:10:22

He is angry because every time you make it clear how upset and devastated you are, he is faced with what he has done. He doesnt want to deal with guilt, so he ignores your feelings and convinces himself that you are fine and it was for the best for everyone.

I agree that you do not need to be playing happy families over Xmas, it wont help.

He chose to leave, by doing that he accepted that he will not be able to do the nice family things anymore. Tell him that he can pick the kids up after lunch and drop them back at teatime boxing day. If he doesnt like that then I suggest you tell him that he should have thought of that before he left you. You dont get to walk away and then jump back in for the fun bits.

Bogeyface Sun 11-Dec-16 21:12:43

Oh and I would also contact him (in writing so you can save copies) saying that if he is violent in anyway again, refer back to the chair, the fists and the shouting, you will call the police and have him removed, that you will not accept that behaviour and if he cannot control himself then he will not be allowed into your home (and it is YOUR home now, no matter what he says) again.

Lorelei76 Sun 11-Dec-16 21:13:20

He kicked a chair at you and slammed his fists on the table?
I don't think anyone wants to share the day with that kind of temper. Can the day be split?

jeaux90 Sun 11-Dec-16 21:13:39

What bogeyface said. You don't have to do this. And keep a record of the aggression and violence xxx

Lotsofqueries Sun 11-Dec-16 21:15:09

Will this not confuse the kids into thinking you may be getting back together?

ruddyfantastic Sun 11-Dec-16 21:19:18

We've just told them it will be as normal as possible, but with the terrible timing it probably wasn't wise to tell them that, (they are 6 &11). I just though he would handle the talk better but he can't stand talking about it at all, his reactions are always that unstable, unless I pretend everything is fine and then I end up feeling like crap afterwards because I'm giving him everything he wants.

I couldn't stand him taking the kids, because I'd end up on my own for that bit of time. I know that's the reality-i think I'm just having a bit of a wobble because the argument was so horrible.

Bogeyface Sun 11-Dec-16 21:35:14

It is horrible when you first have to share them at Xmas but, and I mean this in the kindness way possible, this isnt about what is best for you. I know that you will miss them, but how much worse will it be if he does come round and kicks off again? Not much of a happy Xmas for them then is it?

You do not have to hide your feelings and pretend everything is ok. He chose this, he has to deal with the consequences and if that means he will kick off and lose it then he doesnt come to your home again. End of.

You didnt choose this, you do not have to accept his shitty behaviour. You really dont. And sooner both of you realise that, the better all round.

A simple email

"After your outburst today I am not at all comfortable with the idea of spending Xmas together as a family. I realise that you finding it hard to deal with my reactions to you leaving, but the fact is that you had a choice and I didnt, so you must accept the consequences of those choices. I will not tolerate violent behaviour in my home again and you will be removed by the police should it ever happen again.

The children will be availabe from 3pm on Xmas day and you can bring them back around the same time on Boxing day.


Smith2010 Tue 20-Dec-16 06:15:11

I am literally in exactly the same situation as you. My ex moved out 3 weeks ago and like you whenever I try and rant or explain how I feel he just goes off his head and says it's all about me and my feeling.... well duh!!! Whether it's a guilt thing that he acts that way I don't know. I also have a 6 year old who seems to be coping well it's just me!!! We are also planning on spending Xmas day together but I am dreading it too as also feel a lot of anger as to how he seems "normal" and I am a mess!
You will get through Xmas day I promise and you will do it for your children however you decide to spend the day but 2017 is a new year with new starts and a time when you can start calling the shots now. Really hoping it works out for you but it's going to take time just be patient with yourself.

AnyFucker Tue 20-Dec-16 06:23:33

What Bogey said

Stop bending yourself out of shape for this bloke.

Disappointednomore Tue 20-Dec-16 07:24:58

I think this is going to be a very difficult Christmas for you however you spend it. Each time something hits you that makes it seem really depressing decide how you're going to make it better for next year. Putting up the tree on your own? Buy a nice fake one in the sales. No presents for you because you've split from DH? Buy yourself something lovely. It won't help much this year but next year you will look back on how far you've come and remember this time. It's like the bear hunt - you have to go through it. But while it hurts you can sure as hell decide how to make things better for yourself. I was abandoned last year before Christmas and it was miserable in the extreme but now I look back and see it as the start of a journey back to happiness. Just tell him he can't come -as other posters have said he can't just opt in and out. If you can't bear not to have your kids with you then send them to him Boxing Day instead and spend the day watching movies in bed or round at a friend's house.

Anniegetyourgun Tue 20-Dec-16 08:03:23

He might not even want to take the kids on his own. That's a whole new issue of course...

TheNaze73 Tue 20-Dec-16 09:50:55

This will be tough but, you WILL get through it. Being without the children would be even harder.

KnittedBlanketHoles Tue 20-Dec-16 10:32:15

Really, don't trample over your own feelings to have a shared Christmas with this guy- he's already willing to disregard how you feel don't do it to yourself too. Can you offer him boxing day with the DC? Sell it to them as doing Christmas twice. Then maybe pack yourself off to family/friends to limit the amount of time you're alone...

This guy has dumped you, then when you've tried to express your upset kicked a chair at you and slammed his fists - you don't owe him anything, last of all help to create a nice Christmas for him. Put your energies towards spending some quality time healing yourself, and with your DC.

StiffenedPleat Tue 20-Dec-16 10:40:40

Why don't you go out for Christmas lunch together? You have them first thing in the morning, go out for lunch then he can take them off to his for the rest of the day and night. You can pick them up on Boxing day after lunch.

Hope you can make it work for YOU.

StiffenedPleat Tue 20-Dec-16 10:41:39

Or just tell him he gets them on Boxing Day this year.

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