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Has anyone's previously happy marriage, become rocky during the teen years, but survived?

(7 Posts)
BigSandyBalls2015 Mon 28-Nov-16 14:39:25

Been with DH nearly 30 years, married for 21, have two teens. We seem to have fallen into a depressing cycle of disagreeing with each other and bickering - we were previously close with very few bust ups so this is unusual and upsetting.

We basically disagree how to parent our teens - he thinks I'm too soft, I think he's too harsh. He doesn't pick his battles and I feel we live in a war zone if we don't.

I can't see it lasting until they leave home!! Help me with your positive stories.

drivinmecrazy Mon 28-Nov-16 14:54:22

Wish I could offer you wise words but unfortunately I am in exactly the same situation.
DH and I are constantly at loggerheads at the moment sad
Some of our issues are due to our own parents. I was very fortunate to have quite liberal, balanced parents. He had a very authoritarian father, who ironically he despised. Yet I see so many of his father's traits now coming through. All the things DH hated in his own father.
DH also blames DDs lack of respect for him on me. He cannot see that his treatment of DD is what she is reacting to.
I could honesty cry

BigSandyBalls2015 Mon 28-Nov-16 15:12:33

Sorry to hear you're in the same boat, depressing isn't it. Funny you should mention respect, as DH uses that word a lot.

DH accuses me of not 'backing him up', but I can't do that when I feel he has got it so wrong. They're both basically good kids, they have their issues like they all do, but could be so much worse. One of them is pushing the boundaries with staying out late at parties, drinking - she hasn't come home drunk, just tiddly, giggly - all perfectly normal as far as I'm concerned (she's nearly 16). I talk to her, tell her I trust her, that she must let us know where she is at this age etc etc. DH gets ultra stressed by it all, would prefer her tucked up in bed at 10pm. I worry he is going to make her secretive and less open with his harsh approach.

The fact that he spent every weekend in the pub at 15 seems to have been forgotten!

And so it continues with this air of gloom over what was a happy chatty family.

Joysmum Mon 28-Nov-16 15:50:55

Neither of you you respect the other's parenting.

She already knows she's meant to let you know where she is as she's only 15, but yet she hasn't. What good is reminding her and no consequences going to do? You DH has a point, he could be less strict but then you seem to have a fear that any consequence or punishment lead to her rebelling further?

There's a middle ground to be found which means you shifting in your approach too. You need to discuss this whilst there is nothing to react to so you've got a few planned strategies.

HandyWoman Mon 28-Nov-16 16:02:15

I don't see where it says the dd hasn't come home or escaled consequences? It's all trial and error with teens, they struggle to be consistent when there is peer pressure and picking battles is key.

Respect hahaha. Is he from the Victorian era? Teens respect consequences like removal of social media privileges etc but it's a bit of a leap in this day and age to expect a 15year old to 'respect' their df 'just because'.

Teens are a totally different animal to adults and children. Would he read a book?

Poor you, OP.

WonderWine Mon 28-Nov-16 16:20:00

Can I join in? Similar issues (I have another thread going about the way DH won't accept responsibility for anything).
We have also fallen out during teen years. Think it's because we suddenly have 4 adults arguing and taking sides with each other.

MaMaof04 Mon 28-Nov-16 19:11:00

Tough. No good advice. Just to share with you what I did with my oldest daughters (now in their 20s; studying and working hard; drinking mainly if not only at home when with friends.):
1- your daughter: some boundaries in freedom. Such as: if she goes to pubs clubs etc she must never go on her own but with good friends. One of the friends must be sobre at all time and watch out for the others. (They can take turn to be the 'watcher'). It is great if some of the good friends are boys. About her intimate life: I explained the emotional lag versus the sexual surge and the need to have clear boundaries explained to their BF. I did not dictate the boundaries. They figured them out for themselves- by reading and talking with good friends etc. (It worked well- better than expected. By that I do not mean that they did not do silly stuff but overall they have a very mature and healthy approach to their personal life. They love and are loved.)
2- Your husband: explain your daughter who he is -what you said here about his dad etc without mentioning the days spent in pubs, and that both of you as parents just worry for her and want the best for her each in his own way. Both of you deserve to be respected. Yes 'respected'. It is good for kids to resepcet their parents. It grounds them. She absolutely needs to appreciate your role as parents and be grateful to you for all what you provide her with. (That is my opinion. Again it worked well. So well that our big daughters took us out and spoilt us when they started earning money.) Having said all this please know that I have the same fights with my husband: he thinks that I am too soft and I think that he is too tough and does not understand well the kids... So here you go parents can disagree and still have wonderful kids. Just explain the kids the differences and stress that both you and your husband want the best for them ; and that your husband's aim is the same as yours: to help them be well rounded and well adjusted adults. Good Luck. It is tough to have teens around. But it is good fun as well.

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