Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

elderly frail sister being harrassed

(28 Posts)
iknowiamright Sat 26-Nov-16 15:41:20

please can anyone help.
for the last 2 years I have been supporting my elderly sister.
she is now in a nursing home.

dsis is frail and vulnerable ,totally unable to care for herself. unable to stand unaided..
she has cancer, 1 kidney functioning at 50%.
of course she becomes confused with financial matters so I have supported her in this.
her husband has dementia and also in a (different) care home.
he abused my dsis all through their married life, in every way possible.

social workers/hospitals once they understood her situation, realised the reason she was literally at deaths door last year was because he refused to allow her medical care/palliative/meals and everything she was offered.
until she was finally admitted with sepsis not knowing if she would survive.

now her husband is away from her, I am able to support her emotionally/physically in any way I can.
for the first time in her life she is free of fear, and is living in a caring environment.

she rang me yesterday in a very distressed state.

the care home that the husband is in is harassing her.
they ring her, telling her she is responsible for paying his home fees (they will send invoices for her to pay).
(I have taken over her arrangement for her fees by DD , which is paid via her pension through her sole account )

an advocate was supposed to be appointed for him to deal with his financial affairs through his Social worker, which at one point they said had been appointed in feb this year, then in august was just in the process of being appointed.
my dsis is so frail and vulnerable that she doesn't want to become involved in all this.

the prolonged abuse she suffered at his hands through her life has led to periods of post traumatic stress.

the manager of his care home told her that she MUST be responsible for this, as he(husband) isn't capable himself.

dsis was tearful saying "i don't want to do this, I can't do this" .

please someone tell me, surely she isn't required legally to see to his financial affairs.

I battled so hard since june 2015 to get the best care I can for my dsis.

her husband has 1 daughter and 1 adult granddaughter but neither want anything to do with him after suffering a lifetime of abuse from him themselves.

I have tried to contact his care home, but no one answers, just a message saying you can't leave a message.

I have emailed instructing them to stop harassing my dsis yet received no reply.
what on earth can I do now?

today I will email the husbands social worker to tell her to leave my dsis alone or I will report this harassment to the police.

I tried to make light of it to dsis and said, oh don't worry I will sort it out, all I want is for the care home to deal with the husbands fees (3 months outstanding) and leave dsis alone.

This sounds awful.

Have you tried Age UK?

Ginmakesitallok Sat 26-Nov-16 15:46:25

Does your sister have power of attorney for her husband? If not then just tell them that she doesn't have poa and can't legally act on his behalf.

missyB1 Sat 26-Nov-16 15:51:08

Can the manager at your sister's home help? She might be able to tell the husband's nursing home to back off and stop harassing her resident. I also agree Age UK might be very helpful.

Actually thinking about it how are they contacting your sister? Have they got her mobile number?

iknowiamright Sat 26-Nov-16 19:00:55

well, the manager has my dsis mobile number.
no, she doesn't have power of attorney, they tried to force her to do it last year, when he was taken to the care home, but being in such a vulnerable position herself, I advised her not to do it, neither did she want to.

I tell her each time he rings to tell him to speak to me.
but she says once she answers, he talks and she doesn't know what to say, sometimes she is , apart from being physically frail, also emotionally weak.
actually, that is true, she can't legally act on his behalf, but they want her to sort out the financial affairs as there is a joint account.
I attended a meeting in January this year, and made it quite clear that she isn't in any position to deal with his care home, that was when the social worker said an advocate would be appointed, but despite being told one had indeed been in February, then august nothing has been done.
this all happened, again, Friday so I haven't been able to contact anyone over the weekend.
but I will try ageuk Monday.
made all the worse by me being diagnosed with cancer last week, and the pressure is mounting.
at least I have my dh, whilst my dsis has no one.

Dowser Sat 26-Nov-16 19:17:26

Have they had an assessment by social services because that's what they need.
Did they go into care voluntarily. If so then they will have made an arrangement with the care home of how fees are to be paid by both of them.
Do they have assets .ie a house.
If they have gone into care as a result of an assessment then ss should do a financial assessment to see how the care home will be paid.
If they have savings over £23,500 and or the asset of a house then if it's in joint names then the house will be sold and half pay for him and half for your sister I believe.

If they both have sufficient needs that they warrant chc then the NHS pick up the tab for all accommodation and nursing care then neither her or her dh have to pay.
Does hat help

MidnightVelvetthe7th Sat 26-Nov-16 19:22:16

Are you able to borrow her phone & speak to them directly if they ring?

Dowser Sat 26-Nov-16 19:23:51

If they don't get nhs funding then the LA work out how much your relatives pay if they have assets.

If you are unwilling or can't help them then they will apply to the court of protection I believe to appoint someone from the ss to act on his behalf...it's a lengthy and costly process and they might take the money from their accounts to foot the bill for the process.

If you want to read about social care act of 1948 Google you tune and prof Luke Clements. It's all on there.
Chc funding is very, very difficult to get , not impossible but it's not a walk in the park. If they can't get it they will pay according to their means. If they have very little then the LA pick up the tab.

LuluJakey1 Sat 26-Nov-16 19:28:13

Why doesn't your sister give you POA fir her , then they could not harrass her.

chollawallabollaholla Sat 26-Nov-16 19:28:41

I would strongly suggest that you speak to the social worker and make it clear that this is having a profound detrimental affect on her. I would think this may fall within the perimeters of safeguarding as there is a history of abuse and she is very vulnerable. She should be protected by professionals involved and shouldn't just be down to you to try and manage this.

Why is the home manager insisting that she deals with this? The manger needs to be focused on the care they are providing to her as an individual and protecting her well being.

It may be that finances are complicated and as they are married it affects funding- but this is not your responsibility to sort out, it is the local authority.

I'm amazed no one is treating this with the severity it deserves. If you still get nowhere with the swer ask to raise this as a safeguarding as from what you have detailed it would warrant it.

Dowser Sat 26-Nov-16 19:29:35

If your bil triggers a dst meeting after an assessment and then he is deemed to have complex, challenging nand unpredictable needs then he will get chc if he scores highly enough.
Your sister might qualify on her frail condition.
Whatever happens if it's a joint property if they have one and a joint account then he should only have to pay up to his half, should your sis die in the meanwhile.
Do check would hate to give information
Look at care to be different

beelover Sat 26-Nov-16 19:30:02

What an awful situation. Is it possible for you to block the husband and his care home from getting through on her phone, that will at least stop them harassing her directly.

Dowser Sat 26-Nov-16 19:30:44

Sounds good from cholla

LatteLady Sun 27-Nov-16 00:11:00

Another option is to seek advice from Help the Aged, they are very hot on elder financial abuse and will be able to signpost you to televant services.

iknowiamright Sun 27-Nov-16 10:01:27

cholla, I have emailed dsis's husbands's social worker.

I have repeatedly left messages but no replies.
she is fully aware of the abuse suffered by my dsis, and assured me that an advocate would be appointed since January this year, but it appears that it has not happened.

it is the manager of the husbands care home who insists my dsis must deal with his financial affairs.
again I have rang the home and emailed, but receive the message, no one is available and you can't leave a message.
there is no property involved, a council rental flat, only in the husbands name.
since he was put into the care home with dementia in july 2015, and my dsis in a different home in September 2015, the council flat has been empty.
Yet the associate costs or running the flat are still coming out of their joint account, which is growing in arrears.

my dsis can't terminate the tenancy, believe me I have tried on her behalf, even completing a termination of tenancy form, but as it is not in dsis name the flat lies empty, with spiralling costs.

their funding is clear cut.
dsis pension pays for her care, leaving her with £24 per week.
presumably the same for the husband.

but,no one, either rental department or social workers can be bothered to bring this to it's conclusion, despite me battling since January this year.
all I want is this.

* the council to reclaim their council flat, thus cease rental payments.
* the social worker/advocate to deal with the husbands financial affairs, i.e payment of his fees, then it will be easier in the future.

it is difficult enough trying to emotionally support my dsis without all this too.

ImprovisingNow Sun 27-Nov-16 10:10:23

I think you need to send a letter to the husband's care home copied to the social worker. Send both by registered mail so they can't deny having received them. I know you have sent emails, but people tend not to take those as seriously.

I'd also do the same with the council re the tenancy. Up to them then.

Instruct the care home that there must be no more contact with your DSis and that she is too frail to deal with it and this is harassment. Refer them to the council and social services, they should be well used to dealing with them.

I'd also get your sister's phone and block the exH and the care home from calling or even just get her a sim with a new number.

LisaMed1 Sun 27-Nov-16 10:21:05

I found my MP very helpful in a slightly similar situation

iknowiamright Sun 27-Nov-16 11:26:35

thank you.
yes, I will send a letter to the husbands care home and social worker.
I have contacted them before but no action was taken.

I have emailed his social worker today.

I have repeatedly told the council that the flat has been empty and no possibility of being occupied again by my dsis or husband .

no action.
I even threatened them I would name and shame them online, I gave them until 3pm the following day.
I received a scurry of promises that it would be sorted , then nothing.

besides the fact that a property could be used for a desperate family, it has been costing so much during this last year that dsis is virtually broke.
yes, a letter to the home/social worker today.

kittybiscuits Sun 27-Nov-16 11:30:21

I remember you. So sorry your poor sister and you still don't have peace from her H. flowers

iknowiamright Sun 27-Nov-16 14:21:22

no, no peace at all for either of us.

I am so afraid as I now have been diagnosed with the same cancer as dsis, that I won't be able to support her as I have done.

that is why I need to get closure for her re flat/finances before I am operated on myself.
this week I will battle on as best I can.
the elderly care system I have been dealing with since last has badly let us both down.
just thank god the care home she is in is wonderful.
whenever I need to contact the manager, for whatever reason, they call me immediately and all is well.
shame the rest can't do their jobs as efficiently.

kittybiscuits Sun 27-Nov-16 14:23:41

So sorry about your diagnosis. Is this a situation where your MP might be helpful. You surely do not need this aggro x

UptownFlunk Sun 27-Nov-16 14:35:22

So sorry to hear about this, especially about your own diagnosis. flowers

As you have tried contacting the care home and your sister's social worker I would now contact the police and tell them that the care home manager is harassing your vulnerable sister. In my experience the police are good in matters like this.

PoisonWitch Sun 27-Nov-16 14:37:11

Would changing her number be a temporary solution? How far away is BILs home? Could you turn up and refuse to leave until you have spoken to the manager?

iknowiamright Sun 27-Nov-16 15:10:57

the problem right now is that as I am poorly myself I am unable to make the trip to dsis. at best it takes 2-3 hours each way.

otherwise I would be knocking down the door of his care home and telling them how it must be, but I can't even imagine when I will be able to make that long trip.
I can't even physically change her phone number.
if I don't receive any reassuring replies from everyone I have contacted, I will definitely call the police.
just, no one cares.

kittybiscuits Sun 27-Nov-16 15:13:25

Quick fix - block the number from your sister's phone, or ask if one of the care staff can do this?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now