Sorry if this is in the wrong place!
I'm 27 and have an 8 year old daughter from a previous relationship. I've never really been the maternal type, never wanted kids but one (happy) accident later, I'm a mum. I love my daughter more than life itself but I've never really had a desire to have any more children.
I've been with my partner over 3 years and he's expressed many times that he would like kids. First off, I was dead against it. I was a single parent for a very long time and the emotional, physical and financial toll was too much and I couldn't put myself in that situation again with or without a man. Over the years however, he's brought me round to the idea gradually. I told him I might consider it but not any time soon. Then I realised that waiting for long is going to put a big age gap between a potential baby and my daughter (nothing wrong with big age gaps, it's just a personal preference as I have a sister 10 years younger than me and we have little to no relationship!) I was starting to get a little bit broody but would snap myself out of it and think of all the things I wouldn't be able to do that I can now if there was a baby around.
This last month or so though, it's like a wave has just hit me. I've got this overwhelming urge to have a baby, it's like my ovaries suddenly just woke up. All I can think about is babies, even when I think back and remember all the sleepless nights and constant nappy changes and the screaming for no apparent reason (baby and me lol) it doesn't make me shudder and change my mind anymore. BUT I feel like my situation isn't right.
I live in a 2 bed flat which is rented. We can't afford a deposit on a house and with rent, it means we can't afford to save either. My credit isn't great either. I stupidly took out loans/credit cards/ store cards when I was a single parent and I'm now paying them all off on a pre-arranged minimum payments to creditors which in total is probably going to take me about 10 years to complete. I'm not poor by any means but we're not rolling in it, we get by with a little to spare. I work part time in a school kitchen and my partner works nights full
time at a distribution warehouse. We're not engaged or married yet either.
After the trauma I went through with my daughter (getting pregnant by accident at 18 and having to drop out of uni, being physically/emotionally abused by her dad when I was pregnant and after, having to do everything by myself, him cheating on me with various men (yes, men) when I was pregnant and after, him leaving me suddenly when my daughter was 6 months with no home and no money, bitter custody battles and being made to feel like a terrible mum etc etc) I always said that if I ever did have another baby, I would want everything to be perfect. I'd want a house and to be married and have loads of money to spoil it with and be at an age and in a position that my family would be really happy and excited when I told them I was pregnant as opposed to the last time when my mum cried for a week and my dad didn't say a word for about 2 months.
Is there such a thing as the perfect time? It's going to be at least another 10 years before I can buy a home, maybe more if nobody we know has died and left us a massive wad of inheritance money we can use as a deposit. I feel like it's selfish of me to want to bring a baby into the mix but at the same time, I don't want to wait 10+ years to have one once I've got everything perfect.
I realise I'm rambling. All I basically want to know is, can you have a baby (on purpose!) when you're not 100% done making your life perfect? I mean, my daughter is the most amazing person, so kind and polite and well behaved and she is a product of a broken family and a life that is far from perfect but it HAS been a struggle at times. I'll stop rambling now!
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Is it selfish?
8 replies
Lilypad15 · 17/11/2016 14:59
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