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Is it selfish?(9 Posts)
Sorry if this is in the wrong place!
I'm 27 and have an 8 year old daughter from a previous relationship. I've never really been the maternal type, never wanted kids but one (happy) accident later, I'm a mum. I love my daughter more than life itself but I've never really had a desire to have any more children.
I've been with my partner over 3 years and he's expressed many times that he would like kids. First off, I was dead against it. I was a single parent for a very long time and the emotional, physical and financial toll was too much and I couldn't put myself in that situation again with or without a man. Over the years however, he's brought me round to the idea gradually. I told him I might consider it but not any time soon. Then I realised that waiting for long is going to put a big age gap between a potential baby and my daughter (nothing wrong with big age gaps, it's just a personal preference as I have a sister 10 years younger than me and we have little to no relationship!) I was starting to get a little bit broody but would snap myself out of it and think of all the things I wouldn't be able to do that I can now if there was a baby around.
This last month or so though, it's like a wave has just hit me. I've got this overwhelming urge to have a baby, it's like my ovaries suddenly just woke up. All I can think about is babies, even when I think back and remember all the sleepless nights and constant nappy changes and the screaming for no apparent reason (baby and me lol) it doesn't make me shudder and change my mind anymore. BUT I feel like my situation isn't right.
I live in a 2 bed flat which is rented. We can't afford a deposit on a house and with rent, it means we can't afford to save either. My credit isn't great either. I stupidly took out loans/credit cards/ store cards when I was a single parent and I'm now paying them all off on a pre-arranged minimum payments to creditors which in total is probably going to take me about 10 years to complete. I'm not poor by any means but we're not rolling in it, we get by with a little to spare. I work part time in a school kitchen and my partner works nights full
time at a distribution warehouse. We're not engaged or married yet either.
After the trauma I went through with my daughter (getting pregnant by accident at 18 and having to drop out of uni, being physically/emotionally abused by her dad when I was pregnant and after, having to do everything by myself, him cheating on me with various men (yes, men) when I was pregnant and after, him leaving me suddenly when my daughter was 6 months with no home and no money, bitter custody battles and being made to feel like a terrible mum etc etc) I always said that if I ever did have another baby, I would want everything to be perfect. I'd want a house and to be married and have loads of money to spoil it with and be at an age and in a position that my family would be really happy and excited when I told them I was pregnant as opposed to the last time when my mum cried for a week and my dad didn't say a word for about 2 months.
Is there such a thing as the perfect time? It's going to be at least another 10 years before I can buy a home, maybe more if nobody we know has died and left us a massive wad of inheritance money we can use as a deposit. I feel like it's selfish of me to want to bring a baby into the mix but at the same time, I don't want to wait 10+ years to have one once I've got everything perfect.
I realise I'm rambling. All I basically want to know is, can you have a baby (on purpose!) when you're not 100% done making your life perfect? I mean, my daughter is the most amazing person, so kind and polite and well behaved and she is a product of a broken family and a life that is far from perfect but it HAS been a struggle at times. I'll stop rambling now!
Have the baby!
You could wait forever for your life to be perfect. But ask yourself this. If you look back in 30 years would you be glad that you didn't have another child for the reasons you've listed above??
There is no perfect time to have a baby....there will always be 'something' that's not right. Wether it's saving money, getting a better job, or decorating your living room first before getting pregnant....there will always be something. If this is what you really want then go for it :-)
As long as you can afford to feed, clothe and house the baby then I say go for it.
Thanks for your replies I guess you're right, I could go the next 30-40 years and still not have everything perfect knowing me lol. I could afford a baby, it wouldn't live the life of luxury but it would be well fed and clothed and have a warm home and a lot of people to fuss over it. It just kind of hit me the other day that you can't just say "okay let's try for a baby" and it happens straight away, it can take a long time and so maybe its best starting now.
Is it bad though that I don't really know how to bring up the old "I really want a baby, shall we try for one?" Lol. He's said in the past that if I turned round tomorrow and said "I'm pregnant" he'd be over the moon (I've got the implant so that wouldn't happen accidentally!) Actively trying is such a big step! I'm a little bit anxious :/
Think this is the time to have a conversation to have with your partner- sounds like he'd be over the moon to have that chat with you!
I think as long as, as you say, you have enough money and a home and love to give, then now is as good a time as ever to start trying for another baby if you want one!
I'm sure your daughter would love a little brother or sister, and it's probably nice to have a child already that is well out of nappies and has some level of independence!
Fuck no, don't do it. You've already said you're not the maternal type - how are you going to feel when you revisit those sleepless nights of changing nappy after fucking nappy, knowing your choice has basically fucked up your financial situation for life, oh and now you won't be able to support your DD into uni?
Listen to your head. It's in charge for a reason. Hormones are not to be trusted.
If you do decide to do it, and you earn less than your dp and/or will need to rely on him whilst baby is small , then PLEASE invest £212 and yet thee down to the registry office first. Protect yourself. The wedding is unimportant, being married is ! If he won't , it tells you all you need to know about long term commitment intentions.
I said I didn't used to be the maternal type but then I had my daughter. Plus my parents have been married for almost 30 years and didn't help me at uni nor my sisters? Do parents even pay for uni these days? I'm fairly sure it's all about student loans. Tbh even if I never had any more kids, I'd still never be able to just fork out over £30k for tuition :/ also my financial situation isn't fucked anymore. I realise my initial post was fairly long so I understand if you only skipped through it and picked out certain words from it before you replied
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