Is it a bad idea to move out of the marital home. Very scared of possible divorce logistics.

[scaredoffallout]

My dcs are 10, 12 and 14. My marriage has been very difficult for a long time and I have got to the point where I can no longer live like this.

I know that h will make any separation hell, so in many ways would not like to be in the same house while the divorce was going through.

However I am scared that if I were to leave the marital home, it would affect any claim I had over any of the equity?

I am also scared that the elder 2 dc would simply prefer to spend all their time in the family home, so it would effectively be as if I had abandoned them .

[Mintychoc1]

I think you need to speak to a solicitor before you do anything

[scaredoffallout]

Yes I am going to, but I was wondering if anyone had any experience of doing this - or other people doing it.

Just don't know how I could live in the same house as him while a divorce was going through .

[scaredoffallout]

Just for clarity - I wouldn't be leaving my dc but my 2 eldest would probably just stay in their familiar bedrooms! And I guess they are old enough to decide what they want?

Aargh - I have been between the same rock and a hard place for years .

[NotTheFordType]

You need legal advice, but my layperson's understanding is that if you want to stay living in the marital home, with the kids, then you're best off staying put. If you move out, you're basically saying "I can maintain a home independently" which would wreck any case for spousal maintenance.

From what you've said, it sounds like you'd be better off out of it and damn the financial consequences. Your mental health, and your safety, would be better served by being free of this man.

[scaredoffallout]

My dad has said he could temporarily help me rent a flat, so in that sense I would not be maintaining myself but waiting for the divorce to be sorted and the family home hopefully sold.

I would rather stay in the family home (but I still think it would be sold as part of the divorce), but if I were to ask h to leave, I am sure he would just laugh in my face. He very much considers the house to be his and is the most stubborn person I have ever met.

[scaredoffallout]

I am safe - h would not hurt me physically, but mental health wise I would definitely be better off no longer married to him.

[oldfatandtired1]

Stay. It might be horrible short term but you will be in much more control once divorce kicks off.

[throwingpebbles]

You need legal advice, get it now and get prepared.
My ex was only once fleetingly violent, his abuse was emotional. The best decision I ever made for me and the children was to end it. We had to leave and we did manage to get a court order to get occupation. but the law on it all seemed quite complex.

[scaredoffallout]

Yes I am going to organise legal advice.

I am quite unconfrotational and passive by nature so have no idea how I would manage a divorce. It would be so much easier to manage it from elsewhere, but I don't want to massively wreck my relationship with my dc in the process .

[hellsbellsmelons]

Are you the main carer to the your DC?
Do you and your DH work full time?
Who ever stays in the home would probably be granted permission to stay until the youngest turns 18.
Legal advice is definitely the way to go.
I hope you manage to separate and find your 'happy' life.

[scaredoffallout]

We both take care of them. I work from 8.30 to 3.30 on the days that I work, and h works full time but is self employed and so has more flexibility.

I do all of their extra curricular / school / doctor's appointment / bedtime (for youngest!) stuff but he is pretty involved in the house on a day to day basis. He does sometimes work away for a whole week and them I am completely in charge. He does some pick ups and all drop offs for my youngest when I am working, but she will soon be old enough to walk to and from school by herself, and a friend of mine helps with a lot of the pick ups.

I am worried that leaving the house would set up a status quo, but have also heard that more and more family homes are sold so that assets can be split. Given that the two eldest are very independent, does the whole thing of preserving the status quo apply?

Anyway, need to ask these questions to a solicitor.

Things have been very difficult for a long time and I have agonised and suffered over what I should do for ages (years).

[hellsbellsmelons]

Make a list of all your questions so you know what to ask when you see a solicitor.
Do you have any savings at all?
What assets do you have? Pension, property, cars, etc...
Make sure you find your marriage certificate, you will need this for a divorce.
Do you have a lot of equity in the house?

[scaredoffallout]

Thank you. Yes I will make a list of all questions.

I think there is quite a lot of equity in the house (but then again the town we live in is off the charts expensive) but I guess it would depend on what the market is currently doing. I also don't know the exact size of the mortgage and overdraft (both things that, because of the way the finances are set up, my husband looks after).

I don't know what money he has or doesn't have - I have very little!

He owns some other properties but is very cash poor. He has always refused to put my name on any property, including the family home which upset me for a long time.

I (recent development) co-own a flat with a family member of mine (which they live in), so I do have that, but I have the feeling that if we got divorced that's what h thinks I would leave with (much much less valuable than the family home). He thinks everything else is his only. He has also hidden property sales and purchases in the past so I don't trust him.

[ImprovisingNow]

Agree with those who say you need to see a solicitor (make sure it is someone who specialises in family law - look at solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk. Check that they are experienced in dealing with high net worth individuals which it sounds as if your H is since you mention him having other properties. Contrary to popular belief they don't need to be in your town, that's what phones and Skype were invented for, pick one in a cheap area of the country where fees will be lower.

The starting point would normally be that all assets acquired during the marriage (in whatever name) are assets of the marriage and will be divided 50:50. There may then be an adjustment to make sure the children are properly housed and maintained, which may mean you receive more as the resident parent.

Having been though this, I suspect your H will also have other assets squirrelled away so have a good look at all paperwork around the place and take copies before you announce the split. Basically the more information you have the better prepared you are. Then if your H lies on his form E as mine did, your sol can point out what is missing. Judges don't like people who hide assets.

Also talk to your solicitor about lodging a caution on the title to all the properties you know about in case he tries to liquidate them and hide the cash. This is cheap to do and means they can't be sold without your agreement. You don't need to be on the title for this.

One final thing, if you can, as there seem to be substantial capital assets, I'd argue for less or no maintenance for you and DC in exchange for a greater share of the assets. Unfortunately the court system allows ExH who don't want to pay maintenance a lot of leeway in paying late, demanding the court reassess the level regularly etc. It saves a lot of grief if you can take capital assets and/or cash and know they are in your control to sell/ let out as you wish.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Haha - He'd like to think that's what happens.
Unfortunately for him, it's not the case.
You are married so all assets, absolutely everything, is joint!!!
Get to that solicitor asap.
You could come out this just fine if he has other properties and monies elsewhere.

[EasyToEatTiger]

I am in a similar position re getting ducks in a row. It's horrible and I hardly believe myself that I am doing it. Yesterday I reported my husband's behaviour to the police and starting to work on the things that need doing. Womens' Aid are fantastic about this sort of thing.

[Trifleorbust]

Any assets are going to be split between you and he needs to accept that. That also includes the flat you co-own with your relative - your share of that will be taken into account. Don't do anything until you have taken legal advice. Get hold of as much information as you can about the financial position.

[scaredoffallout]

Thanks for all your advice.
Am very scared and also feel slightly guilty that I am contemplating this .

I am sorry you are in the same position EasyToEat. I hope it gets better for you soon. I can really relate to: I am in a similar position re getting ducks in a row. It's horrible and I hardly believe myself that I am doing it.

In my case I am sure h thinks that I am at the root of all our problems. He has little capacity for self-reflection and probably does not realise how horrible he can be.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Can you record him being horrible and play it back to him?
Might help in the interim if he realises how horrible he comes across?