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Talk some sense into me

(16 Posts)
Mistykit Tue 15-Nov-16 22:32:19


I met a guy a couple of months ago. I had just finished my second (!) EA experience (first one was 20 years ago).

New guy seems nice. I am hesitant.. I'm not sure if he's not that into me or if I am being too influenced by past experience. I'm not sure what is "normal"". I have been seeing him for a couple of months. We are both pretty busy so only see each other once / twice a week. I am starting to like him enough where I miss him. I don't get the same feeling from him, although this maybe just be me from prev experience. We get on well, have fun, lots in common... no exclusive talk yet, v few compliments from him. I'm having a wobble ...shall I call it quits and save myself the heartache?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Tue 15-Nov-16 22:39:59

It's very early days, and it sounds like you are enjoying his company. No hurry surely? I would give it a bit longer. You may just be trying to protect yourself by not being involved with anyone, not necessarily that this is the wrong man iuswim.

Mistykit Tue 15-Nov-16 22:47:43

I'm totally trying to protect myself. I'm so scared of being treated badly, cheated on, abused again etc.

YetAnotherGuy Tue 15-Nov-16 22:53:00

Have you met any of his friends?

That can be very useful in terms of getting a different perspective

Mistykit Tue 15-Nov-16 22:56:23

No, haven't met friends. I wouldn't expect to after a couple of months.. but again, I don't know what's normal anymore. I want to run away from all men right now

Mistykit Tue 15-Nov-16 23:01:10

I just asked him if we were exclusive... he made a joke & asked me to ask him when I'm sober (foad.. I'm not pissed; tipsy yes). So, he avoided the question...

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Tue 15-Nov-16 23:10:04

If you go carefully it should be ok. Need to balance the negative of the risk factor, with the positives of a potential good relationship. Only you can decide if it's worth it.

Cat2014 Tue 15-Nov-16 23:12:24

Id go with it but keep options open, in my experience if they're really into you you know. However that sort of thing can grow so don't rule it out.

Mistykit Tue 15-Nov-16 23:17:17

You're right Sponge. I don't want to scare him off, but I need to know if he's genuinely interested. It's finding that balance... you hit the nail there.

I am v loyal and can't date more than one person at a time (no rational reason, it's just not me / I'm not comfortable with doing that). I don't judge people who do and wouldn't judge him.... I just want to get a sense of if I am investing too much or opening up too much to someone.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Tue 15-Nov-16 23:39:26

Just protect yourself a bit. I know it's easier said than doesn't sound like you are doing anything to scare hime off. If you are reasonable, and pleasant, and him too, it will either work out or it won't... When I went back into dating, after a 20 yr marriage and a nasty divorce, I knew that if it didn't work out, I would survive. I'd survived before, so there was some evidence it was likely. I think this knowledge did protect me, and no, I never dated more than one chap at a time too old for all that nonsense

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Tue 15-Nov-16 23:43:35

Re whether he is interested or not, it doesn't sound as if he is un-interested. Maybe a bit early for the 'where are we/what are your intentions' talk, but that can be had a bit later down the line. There are no guarantees (my XH turned into someone I just didn't recognise at all, and would never have dated, let alone married... I think it has encouraged me to live in the moment more, cos marriage doesn't guarantee happy ever after either!

Mistykit Tue 15-Nov-16 23:54:02

That's very good advice Sponge. .. particularly the "I survived before" part. .. it's not the end of the world is it. Maybe it is too soon for that chat for him and that's ok too.. it's more that I don't want to be used/abused again.. if I'm secure in that then I'm happy to go with the flow. hopefully, he'll feel comfortable enough to tell me in person.
I'll gage him him next time I see him (if I'm brave enough) ;)

TheNaze73 Wed 16-Nov-16 09:55:38

Sponge is right, live for the moment & look no further than your next date.
I agree with you OP about exclusive talks etc, it's way too soon for all that.
As an outsider, looking in, all seems pretty good to me at the moment.
Just don't try to rush it.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 16-Nov-16 10:10:15

I don't think you are really for all of this.
After you got out of your EA relationship did you do the Womens Aid Freedom Programme?
If not then please contact them and sign up to go along to the next course they are running.
It will really help you set your own boundaries and understand and spot red flags for all future relationships.
Get that done and then do some work on yourself and your self-esteem.
At 2 months in you really should just be enjoying and not stressing about it.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 16-Nov-16 10:29:47

That's; I don't think you are READY!

Mistykit Wed 16-Nov-16 11:10:13

Thank you Melons & Haze. I don't know where my wobble came from last night. I'll get back to just enjoying it and not stress smile. I told him briefly about the EA and he didn't really understand it ... in that, why would you stick around and put up with being treated like that... but he did accept that it's something that is difficult to understand if you've never been in that situation. The fact that he didn't really get it made me think that he's not the abusive type. Btw.. I told him about it because I wanted him to understand why my self esteem is quite low

I didn't do the Freedom Programme. I have just looked into it now and will do the online course. Thanks for the suggestion smile

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