I have two Young kids with my partner. Before we had children we were only together about a year, and it came close to finishing when he went out to a work do, and had a female colleague who I knew he fancied a bit stay over night in his room. He told me cos I used to work at his workplace and he said it was innocent and didn't want me to hear about it via gossip etc. At the time I didn't really, truly believe it was wholly innocent, inconsistencies in what he said etc, but he's maintained it was, and I thought ok, give him a second chance. Ten months ish in to our relationship, we moved in together, and I got a new job with shifts. He was p*ssed about it, feeling left out, and he told me one night he was thinking of sleeping with other women. Red light. I stalked his email/texts etc, and he had indeed been flirting about, but nothing concrete. I felt bad for stalking, fessed up and he was like, angry at me for invading privacy and I felt bad about it. Found he'd been skyping one person, because I wanted to Skype my friend and logged on as him. I didn't check chat history cos was not au fait with the tech, and then I asked him about it and he got uncomfortable. Next time I logged on he had deleted their chat history.
So more of the similar over the years, I stalked maybe 3 or 4 more times, and felt very bad about it! Always found flirty stuff and membership to swinger sites. I always had this niggling instinct I couldnt trust him in this respect. One day I asked him if he still sees colleague who he shared the hotel room with.... His reaction was a flash second of bemusement and slight panic, as he said 'yes....what made you think about her.'
Ever since he responded like that I knew instinctively sthg was up. So on three occasions since over the past 2 yrs I've checked up on him via texts/emails and managed to check his work chat. Found out the following:
- He had arranged to go out for her birthday drinks and told me he was actually going out for someone else's leaving do. His texts in the morning were to this woman he shared hotel room with. She actually had t gone to her birthday drinks and he was texting her to ask where she was and ensuing flirting occurred
- one night he didn't come home, then arrived home in the morning saying he'd missed the last train home back from London and had slept in London on streets
- found on his work chat function hotel room woman was his favourite contact and there was plenty of seriously flirty chat
- in initial discovery of work chat (described just now) I didn't read it all properly cos my heart was pounding etc. I have since logged on and read it properly......
Here are the details: lots of flirting, and it shows they have been meeting up for professional meetings, and he took her out to the pub for lunch and paid for it and he most certainly didn't tell me about this. I worked out it happened 5 days before my birthday last year and I remember my last birthday with him was totally awful. He bought me an obviously last minute birthday prez, a book. Which he obs swiped after picking up a book he'd ordered in for his work colleague, which he told me about, hotel room woman maybe? And he was so disinterested in me and a selfish rse, resentful it was my birthday and we had fights. But 5 days before he has been taking this btch out for lunch? Wtf
I now have no trust in him and pretty much have arrived at decision to break up with him in the most constructive and low impact to our kids kinda way. I couldn't sleep a wink last night. I checked his phone, he has just signed up to an adult swinging site, stating he is looking for women and couples. I worked out from his date of signing up he did this on a day when I was taking our eldest to a party. Did he do this whilst looking after the younger one?! Eurghh.
I understand some couples are more relaxed about flirting and Internet porn etc, (who exactly are they though?! Lol) but I am quite a normal person who until now felt passionately in love with her man, only wanted to do him, and I don't do any flirting beyond the very normal spontaneous stuff such as smiling at a handsome chap In a shop or similar....
I would greatly appreciate people's opinions on this, especially those who have uncovered cheating before? I think I'm on the right track.... Do you think so?
There's a thread in relationships about parenting with narcs/difficult X's. We're on our third - might be helpful to you