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What would you consider reasonable contact with an ex?(4 Posts)
A ex of my partner's has just got back in touch with him. We've not talked in any detail about exes so I'm not sure exactly when they were together, but I believe it was for a just few months around 10 years ago. All I know is she cheated on him and after they split she told him had they met later in life she feels they would have worked out. He has always said he would never get back with an ex, especially one who cheated on him and I've never had a reason to think any more of it until now.
We've been together for just over 6 years, not married, but own a house together so there's a level of commitment there. I'm not in contact with any of my exes and to my knowledge up until now he's not been in contact with any of his. She called him out of the blue late one night a month or so ago, (he didn't have her number in his phone so didn't know it was her calling). She was drunk and started asking questions about his life, relationship etc. He did tell me about this as soon as he saw me (he was working when she called) but we were with a friend at the time so I didn't ask questions. I just thought it was a one off drunk call and he didn't seem keen on talking with her any further.
Last week he mentioned she was drunk and had been in touch again (she only calls when she's drunk apparently). Again, nothing from the way he was talking made me think he was interested in chatting with her. I didn't want to seem like the jealous girlfriend, so didn't ask too much about it. However, he left his Facebook logged in on a shared computer and I noticed her name in recent messages. I know it was wrong to look, but he's been talking with her quite frequently over the past couple of weeks. Nothing especially flirtatious, but he has been offering to call her on an evening, reminiscing about old friends they shared etc. I'm pretty taken aback and not sure how to proceed. Should I just let it run its course, I'm fairly sure she's just lonely and will probably meet someone and stop messaging my OH before long. It's difficult as contact with exes has never been something we've dealt with in our relationship up until now.
I'd ask him about her. Just tell him you'd been thinking about that ex who keeps calling him while drunk and ask whether he'd heard from her since and ask him what's going on with that. I'd ask him if he knows why she's calling and whether he's thinking about befriending her. I'd even say what you've said here: "we've never really spoken about exes in much detail before but as she's calling, I thought maybe we should have a chat about her..."
I'm friends with my exes as is dh. I don't have any problem with him chatting to them. BUT I would question why he is making out that she's just calling him when drunk and he's not that bothered when that's only half the situation.
He left Facebook logged on and you noticed the messages, that's enough excuse for you to raise some questions and tell your oh if it's making you uncomfortable.
Please talk to him about it before it drives you mad. I experienced this a few years ago with an ex of my oh and didn't ask him until quite recently. I spent years wondering why he was still in communication and he was stunned when I finally confronted him. I used a similar experience someone had posted on mn as I didn't know how to raise the subject. It turns out he thought I knew about it ( his communication skills do leave a lot to be desired sometimes) and has answered all of my many questions since. He also couldn't believe I worried about it for so long and didn't just ask him. He seems surprised that it would bother me, so I have explained it in simple terms even a man can understand and asked how he would react in a similar situation. He was much more understanding than I expected and I am very glad to finally have it out in the open.
I haven't told him not to speak to her anymore, but I'm sure he'll let me know if/ when it happens again, so i feel more comfortable with the situation. The messages I found were not flirting from him but he received a mystery Valentine's card one year and i''m 99% sure it was from her. This was after we had been together about 16 years so I think she's still slightly obsessed and I don't trust her. Fortunately I do trust him though.
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