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How do I solve relationship problems? As not able to get solution from last 5 years married from 15 years with 2 kids?(22 Posts)
Hi this is my first question as trying to find solution to this massive problem on my own from last 5 years. We been married 15 years with 2 beautiful kids.i have try to explain my wife so many times in late night discussions in every possible way that we should make each other priority and look after each others needs. After that long talks we end up making lists of needs we need to work on however with in a week it's all gone out of her mind and she will be set in old ways as before. Also asked some close friends to discuss issues with no help at all. (WASTE OF THERE AND MY TIME).
I work full time to support family my working hours 7.30 to 7.00 and weekends free for family.she works 2 half days very near to home.
As men I have simple requirements like lot of married men I THINK I need love,respect and sex. My requirements met with no love from her she is sort tempered person likes to shout as much as possible for small things and as far as sex is concerned we made commitment so many times to have 5 times sex a week however we end up having once or twice a month the most.However it seems her needs is spending money on every possible way everyday spending time on phone with her parents brother and sister or finding some useless friends talking for hours on phone or cleaning house cooking and spending time with kids. End of the day full day of work when I need her companionship she don't have anything left for us she goes to bed around 8.00 I come from work At 7.00 sometimes she is around but she wants to watch movies of her choice if it's my choice she will be snoring next to me in 10 min.
It's a love marriage after 1 year of dating she asked me to get married for 3 months and I have said yes to her requests with one rule we should make each other priority in our life that's the biggest requirement I had.(actual fact I am steel the same need the same attention).
After 10 days in to marriage I realized my wife's priority is never gonna change now at 15 years it steel same. She is real close to parents brother and sister. She talks to them daily although we live 10000 kilometers away from them now. Biggest blow of my life to our relationship was she like to lie for them to cover there mistake and misdeeds always after 15 years it's the same nothing changed in that area. I have completely stopped talking to the my wifes whole family after number favors done to them without any appreciation from wife or there family.
I always believed husbund and wife should be one team against whole world however in our case I found she always like to take part from opposite end even in the matter of friends or family.
Our relationship is gone down so much I am thinking of taking a break or separation.only thread binding us is kids not sure for how long.
I have noticed she like to stay unhappy from last 5 years I hardly see her happy and positive. Whenever she is out with friends or her family she is happy as it can be the moment we go out togather as family she just be there as physical presence. rest of the time on the phone whats app and Facebook takes lot of time for her.
I like to find my own solution in last 5 years I read lot of books on subject of relationship marriage also listened to lots of books. I am not able to find solution as now I can clearly see the problem is her behavior in relationship. Also learnt that if i change matter might change i also tried that however i feel whenever i be as positive nice and work hard for her she takes advantage and nothing in return.
I think this the one thing in my life I feel I stuck forever as due to kids and 1000 other reason I am not able to move out and start fresh. As my age is 39 and she 35.
I really really need help so desperately as I am going mad living in house with daily fights no love or respect from her. I feel she is treating me.like ATM machine nothing more.
I got bored reading your post but the one thing is - aren't you needy? It must be a massive turn off for your wife
And criticism of her endlessly. You describe her in not a nice way. Do you like her?
as far as sex is concerned we made commitment so many times to have 5 times sex a week
That's pressure, mate. You know that. Especially as its obvious she doesn't want that.
Sounds like you make each other miserable and would be better off apart.
PS Sex 5 times a week with young children?! HAHAHAHAHA NOPE.
You are pressurising her into having sex 5 times a week??
I think you need to grow up a bit - it's not all about you and your needs! You sound like a giant man-child tbh.
Well, i'll let the 5 times sex a week pass [YOU MUST BE JOKING]
What concerns me the most is your kids living in this terrible home. If you want to fight like cat and dog then that's your choice, but your kids have no choice. And don't think because they don't hear it - or you think they don't hear it - they don't pick up on what's going on. Disharmony, rowing, bickering stays in the air they breath. It is a desperately bad environment for your kids. I hope you get that - your relationship is directly harming your kids.
I'm always amazed people get into such a mess without even considering counselling. If you had a bad back you'd go to a back doctor pretty quickly. Same for a bad relationship: go to a relationship doctor.
And it IS bad. Very bad. I'm afraid most posters won't be able to see beyond your entirely, laughably (if it weren't so serious), outrageous sexual demands. You say she's treating you like an ATM but you're treating her like a sex doll.
Hey OP. What was on her list? What did she want to change (by the way dictating the number of times you have sex a week is not ok)
I don't see having sex five times a week as being a big deal, but I sure as hell would take exception to it being a requirement enshrined in stone that I was under obligation to adhere to.
Take that demand off the table and try talking to your wife about why she only appears to be happy when she's not having to engage with you, OP.
You are right. You are stuck. But only of your own making. Plenty of people's s relationships end, they have children, your not anything special. If your not happy. Leave. You are not doing your children any favours. You seem to be just wasting each other's time. She is just not into you anymore.
Yeap, you should separate. I'm afraid you sound totally self-centred, OP. You talk about a husband and wife putting each other's needs first, but if you really believed that, you would not be nagging your poor wife for sex when she doesn't want it and you would be glad that she has a close relationship with her family and finding a way that she could visit them. But no, your entire post shows that you just put your needs first. You don't even mention the children apart from how your wife devotes time to them that she should be devoting to you.
You want her to stop talking to her friends and family, have sex against her will and focus entirely on your wants and needs?
Well aren't you a charmer. Definitely leave her. The poor woman deserves better
He sounds self entered because he's talking from his POV. That's normal for OPs?
He's discussed with his wife who, by the sounds of it, agreed with changes then hasn't.
I think she doesn't love you anymore. Sorry.
What world are you living in when you think sex 5 times a week is ok?? What are you doing to support her around the house? My exH wanted sex but did NOTHING to support me at home with chores etc which was a huge turn off.
I think it's reasonable to ask your wife to speak to her family and friends before you get in from work.
I think by 7pm it's also reasonable that household jobs are put on hold.
I would suggest counselling but agree that your marriage isn't in a good place st the moment.
Get out of the relationship for both of your sakes. You both sound hard work.
You talk only about your wants and know she's unhappy.
You say husband a wife should be a team and she should show you love and respect and have she should have obligated sex 5 times a week.
Here's the question, why is she so happy when it's everyone else but you? Do you know why she's clearly not happy in you relationship. Do you know why she doesn't want sex with you, why she doesn't see you as a team, why she's happy with everyone else?
He sounds self centered because he's talking from his POV. That's normal for OPs?
Well not to the extent of this OP, it isn't? Particularly as he says that his philosophy is that they should both put the other one first.
Hi really happy to see so many people wants to help and appreciate you taking time out of your busy life and help me . I am happy to see all kind of feedback positive and mostly negative.As you might already know english is my third language so really sorry about grammar and spellings.
All i want out of this is a solution to the problem not who is better correct and wrong. We both are better and in wrong in many ways. Also if anyone can learn out of this writings and improve what we are doing wrong that is one of the reason coming here to discuss also. I know i can run away from this problem today however i know what happens to kids due to my personal needs not met.
I made a mistake i have written this when i was not happy and angry about situation so did not manage to give you both side of story.
Biggest mistake in above writing i never had that demand or requirement of sex 5 times a week( although would not say no to that). All i want is quality time with her some Action few times a week is that wrong or too much. We don't tend to spend time together its just living in one house living different life. i am mostly reading books and computer and she is always on phone facebook and television soaps.
I will try to explain bit better this time.
We both are different personality i am more of simple guy not much needs i am not materialistic person who need things to feel happy. Where she needs expensive meal out,shopping clothings shoes,new phones,cars house and best things in life to be happy.We have new rule in house although she works 6 hours each day for 2 days what ever earning she get she keeps it and spend it her way and i need to pay whole house and all bills mortgage everything. As far as help at home is ther i never use to know anything like cleaning cooking (I know spoiled by my mum) Now i cook 2 or 3 times a week for whole family as i like tasty food to eat and to feed my family.
I try to change my self in her way and spent money what i dont like to do with 100% effort and with 100% involvement.
Just one example i like to get massage atleast once a week or every 2 weeks. However after number of request i am turned down most of the time. Good thing is i like to give massage also and i am good at it. So i use to offer massage all the time never kept record however when ever i feel tired all i get is excuse.
She is good in house work and keeping house in great shape cooking for kids and cleaning and washing up no complaints on that part. However i feel before everything husband should be her priority and i should give her the most priority.
But i can see everyday she is so tired after the whole day dont have time energy or interest in anything other than TV Phone or sleep.
I started listening to audio books on relationship and reading books from amazon i understand after that or even before it takes 2 to tango in our case that might be a problem as feels my needs are simple and her needs are endless.
I am not sure how much i can write and how this will help me or anyone else. Please feel free to coment negative or positive i would like to get feedback or help to solve problem to change atleast 4 peoples life. if that changes we can impact lot more people postivly as happy people are better people i think??
Also we been togather 15 years it never happened in first year also that we been busy for 5 times a week so that is out of question.
however current level of respect intimacy and Sex is not anywhere near ideal. She is mostly negative during the whole day i dont hear a single happy or appreciation remark no question on intimacy and Sex . Currently we are busy may be once a in two month or a month.
May be thats way too low for me so i may have said 5 times a week. Sorry.
You sound rather selfish and self centred . Most couples with two children find that the children are their priority.
Your say you have read many books on relationships and learned that you need to get your wife to change . This is not correct . You cannot change anyone else. All you can do is either
1. Change your attitude and your behaviour and hope that in time your wife will respond
2. Arrange to separate
3. Put up with things the way they are
Your wife have you a list of her needs. Why don't you work hard at meeting these and see how that works out ? Stop talking about what you want and what your needs and demands are.
Well, your wife is either too exhausted from looking after the house and children and/or the love is gone.
You need to ask her why she is unhappy with you. If there is something you can do about it and you want to, do it, if not it is time to separate.
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