Husband emotionally distant, what to do?

[Flicketyflack]

I have been with my husband for sixteen years, married for thirteen, and we have two children together at the back end of primary, early secondary. I feel I am starting to get a bit more head time as the kids are becoming more independent. I did not return to work after my first child was born so have been a SAHM parent for a few years now. My husband has been through a couple of redundancies and has worked away and now is back home more regularly. I do the majority of the school runs and my husband is tuned in to working 9-5. I do all the admin for the kids, for consistency and because I always have.

I just feel so alone.

He rarely says he loves me, does not hug or kiss or hold my hand. We still sleep together, about once per week. He is always tired and always has been. He is so emotionally distant. He has no relationship with his parents, he speak fortnightly (at best), his brother lives in another country but they spoke last three years ago. He has no local friends and hears only from his primary school friend if he is contacted by him.

I am quite opposite to this, with old school friends, uni friends and also friends who live where I live now. But why do I feel so alone?

I have spoken to him about it before and suggested counselling he has dismissed this, I have also talked about divorce. But this does not make any difference. Today, at lunch time, we had a row and he has barely spoken to me since then. The kids and him have now gone out to a firework event without me, I have never ever done this before. The children were upset that I was not going but went off regardless. I do not want to continue like this, but he is no different to when I married him. To be fair to him he supports me in every other way, but is just emotionally absent. He helps he kids with their homework, helps them get ready for bed, reads with them but I feel like a 1950's wife (I have a degree and masters and worked in a very responsible job when we first met). I have always put the kids first to be consistent and caring for them.

I don't know what to do next.

[Crazeecurlee]

Hi OP, didn't want to read and run. Sorry you are going through this and I hope another mumsnetter with more experience will be along soon to help.

You said you have spoken to him about his lack of affection before. What did he say was his reasoning if you don't mind me asking? You say your children are late primary / early secondary age, but you are still a sahm whilst your DH works full time. You have also said he says he is tired. Do you think this arrangement might have something to do with things (I take it you might as you provided that info for a reason)? Is there a reason why you are not working at the moment? Do you think it might help to do some part time hours so that DH could cut down and you could spend some time more time together?

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

You are the housekeeper.

[Flicketyflack]

Thanks crazeecurlee, your post made me think. DH worked away for five years so we are really only just getting time back together all week. This is why I have not looked for work up until now. We have no family willing to help out, and he earns significantly more than me, so we decided to split the work (him being paid, me at home).

[Olympiathequeen]

I think you need to get a job and start from there. Job searching or training will take your mind off the relationship issue for a while and once you are settled and have some financial security you can look again at the marriage. Perhaps if you restablished some independence he may look at you in a different light and change his attitude,

If he makes no changes you can more towards divorce from a stronger position.

If he's always been emotionally distant he's unlikely to change though

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Yes, I agree, get a job, preferably one that can be a career.

That will force him to stop taking you for granted and make him feel more like he has to put more effort in. Professional work will make you feel more interesting and feel more valuable in yourself, which will improve your position in the family.

I've seen that happen with my friends. There will be growing pains of course.

Housekeepers are handy. Dealing with a wife who has a life beyond wife and mother is much harder than dealing with staff. There will be growing pains as you both adjust to you having a life beyond.

Remember, when your DC leave home, you are left with the parts of your life that didn't involve them. What is that for you? Is it enough? If not, start building better now.

[ThePinkOcelot]

Reading your post, I think for yourself, it's time to get a job. If you were out and about you probably wouldn't feel so lonely.

[keepingonrunning]

When I was married to an emotionally distant man I spent years trying to get the connection back between us, to talk it through, find out why he showed me so little affection, counselling, self-help books about rejuvenating your marriage, vamping up my appearance.
With hindsight it was so obvious but the fact I didn't see it at the time is a measure of how comprehensively he deceived me. He was having myriad affairs. I was a boring irritation who served a useful role as housekeeper and nanny to "his" DC.
I hope this isn't your DH OP.