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Splitting up because I want children and he doesn't. Advice please

(20 Posts)
Bethanaevans2016 Fri 04-Nov-16 14:40:27

I've been with my OH for 18 months. I'm 36, he's 12 years older than me. When we met he knew I'd like my ex BC he didn't want children...

We had an unplanned pregnancy which I discovered 3 weeks ago. He asked me to terminate and I entered a world of tears and desperation to keep a baby that he didn't want. Then I had a miscarriage.

I'm devastated about both - the mc and my OH's reaction to the pregnancy news.

I know I have to end the relationship. That's there is no compromise but it's so incredibly hard. He's let me down when I never thought he would. He'd been a fantastic partner until then.

Help - what should I say. How do I heal my wounds? I'm inconsolable at the moment

Bethanaevans2016 Fri 04-Nov-16 14:41:17

* left my ex!

howdiditgettothis Fri 04-Nov-16 14:45:24

How awful for you - both his reaction and that you miscarried aswell. sad

Sounds like you already feel this is a deal-breaker for you. The fact that you've been through discovering you are pregnant and you know his true reaction - you really know how both you and he feel about this. You still have time to have a family.

It's very tough if he's been a fab partner up to now but it's such a huge issue to disagree on.

TheNaze73 Fri 04-Nov-16 14:50:29

It's the right thing to do & the only thing really. I admire you both for standing by your guns here.
There really isn't a compromise

HyacinthFuckit Fri 04-Nov-16 17:39:37

I think you just have to be honest. This is a deal breaker for you, which he knew in advance, so it can't work. Sorry for your loss.

joellevandyne Sat 05-Nov-16 03:41:47

I'm so sorry for your loss. What a terrible thing to have to go through while you realise that your partner is not the one for you.

I also left a partner - the great love of my life - because he could not commit to children. We had been together for four years, and I was nearly 30. I did not want to have kids within the next couple of years, but I wanted to talk about when we thought we would try. After initially saying he wanted kids and marriage, he became more and more cagey, and then started saying he was unsure whether he ever wanted kids or not. As it was a deal-breaker for me, eventually I made the hard choice to leave. It was devastating, as I truly loved him, and felt completely betrayed by his change of heart.

I don't know what words I can give you to say, but based on my own experience, I would recommend making your break complete (no contact) when you do it. I was still deeply in love when I left my ex, and we ended up going back and forth for almost two years, which was exhausting and soul-destroying.

At one point he said he really wanted to be back together properly and thought he could be "talked into having kids", and it was so tempting to take a leap of faith and try again. But I knew at heart that I did not want to have to convince him to make it happen, as I did not want a half-hearted father for my children.

I later met my OH, who wanted children as much as I did, and now we have a beautiful son and daughter. I don't regret the choice I made a decade ago one bit. My ex is now married, but still childless. Had I stayed with him, I would have missed my chance by now.

Boolovessulley Sat 05-Nov-16 06:48:38

I think it's right to split up.
At least he is being honest and fair with you.
I also think you would be better with z partner your own age of you wang go have children.
Others may disagree, but not many men look forward to becoming a father as they approach 50.
You will meet someone else upsetting as it seems now.

IllMetByMoonlight Sat 05-Nov-16 08:32:32

I'm sorry for your loss.
I had a very similar experience when my partner and I had been together for a couple of years, and had not yet discussed children. He, a decade older than me, was adamant he did not want children, it turned out. It was an awful context in which to have that conversation. We were in the middle of a big project at the time, and I stayed, feeling like the upheaval would just add to the heartbreak. I struggled so much and became increasingly clear that I needed to move on. But we'd been great, and it was so hard. A friend suggested I set a time limit on the relationship, as I still 'had time', to give myself permission to enjoy being together but with a promise to myself that I'd leave at the end of the year. This actually dragged on for years, as he, like a PP's partner, would say things like he could see how much I wanted a family, and that he was working on his resistance and hoped to change his mindset around it. I never tried to persuade him, and he did eventually decide that he was ready. With hindsight, even though it felt amazing at the time, our journey of parenting together has been bittersweet to say the least. As much as he adores and dotes on our DCs, and is a very hands-on dad and domestic goddess, fatherhood has wreaked havoc with his MH, and he is now suffering regular bouts of depression and fairly constant anxiety, although he would never say that's the reason. Unlike me, for whom motherhood has felt like the most incredible fulfilment, I just don't think his 'purpose' was ever to have children, but that he talked himself into it because neither of us were ballsy enough to walk away at the time.
I think the calling to have children tends to persist once awoken, and that you deserve to go on the journey of parenthood with a partner who is as undaunted by the prospect as you are.
Wishing you the strength to make whichever decisions you need to make. Be kind to yourself and perhaps access a pregnancy loss counselling service.

DonaldTrumpsWig Sat 05-Nov-16 09:06:30

Sorry for your loss. If there are any positives to be taken from this sad situation, at least you found out early enough in your relationship to do something about it rather than leaving it too late and potentially bring strung along.

LetsAllEatCakes Sat 05-Nov-16 09:54:11

I'm so sorry for your loss flowers.

All you can do is be honest about how you feel and then walk away. He won't change and if he said he'd try would that even help? Too little too late and how could you trust him?

tribpot Sat 05-Nov-16 10:06:10

The way you found out is devastating of course but he may not have been deliberately misleading you about his feelings about having children. It's possible he thought he did until he was faced with the reality of it when you became pregnant. From what you've written it doesn't seem that he dealt well with the realisation that he didn't want to have children and that in itself would be very hard to forgive. However, the relationship could not possibly go on when you now know you want different things.

Time to show him the door and move on. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Bethanaevans2016 Sat 05-Nov-16 13:16:09

Thank you to everyone who has commented. It's been a really horrible two weeks... Until then I was blissfully happy.

I guess it's not a bad thing that I've found out now and although he is as devastated as me, he's not promising me anything. If I stay there will be no children for me.

It's raw and very hard to accept. One of the most common things I've heard since having my mc is that I can try again soon, and that I'm more fertile now. That's not an option for me and it's hard.

Thank you to Joellevandyne and IllMetByMoonlight for sharing your stories. I gives me hope and at the moment that's all I have.

Moving on is going to be hard. I'm used to hating exBFs. How can you shut someone out of your life when you still love them.

LetsAllEatCakes Sat 05-Nov-16 13:27:42

Bethanaevans2016 some people are very insensitive. I used to get 'well at least you know you can get pregnant'.

It hurts a lot because you want the baby you've lost, and people suggesting that can feel like they are minimising your loss and that baby- as though it's easily replaced.

If people say something insensitive then tell them it hurts. They may not mean to but they won't stop saying it unless they are told.

Inadays Sat 05-Nov-16 13:44:37

I did just that many years ago. I was living with and deeply In love with my partner when I accidentally became pregnant aged 34 and it became clear very quickly that he didn't wAnt to have the baby, even though when we got together he said he wanted children with me . I ended up terminating the pregnancy and ultimately, it split us up. I was inconsolable for months until I realised that it would have been a disaster to have stayed together and I needed to move on. I managed to become pregnant again at 40 and now have a 13 year old, so it can happen, although I really feel your pain at the moment. Try and stay strong as it will get better - promise! Take good care of yourself in the meantime.flowers

Mintychoc1 Sat 05-Nov-16 14:49:16

I left my ex because he didn't want children, having told me when we first met that he did. We'd been together for 5 years, were engaged, completely in love, owned a house together, and had a lovely life. I felt the time was right for kids - I was 35 - he said he'd changed his mind.

I was devastated, and knew it would take me years to meet someone else I loved as much as I loved him, by which time it may be too late. So I did it alone - went to a clinic and had IVF treatment using donor sperm. I now have 2 kids ages 11 and 7. It's not the family life I'd dreamed of, but I adore my kids and I wouldn't swap them in a million years for a lifetime with my ex (now married but still childless).

I feel for you OP, you've got a tough road ahead but you're not alone.

Revealall Sat 05-Nov-16 15:24:37

I think it's easier to leave the ones you love because you wish them well, if that makes sense. If you love someone set them free and all that.
It would be worse staying and then hating him later in life. I think you are making a positive choice and that has got to be one of the best ways to end a relationship.

Bethanaevans2016 Sun 06-Nov-16 14:23:36

Thank you everyone... I'm really struggling emotionally, probably more with the relationship breakdown than the miscarriage.

I know that eventually no contact or very little is the only way to get over him but at the moment I'm dealing with too much emotionally at the moment to cut all ties completely.

My Mum just told me that Anton from Strictly is expecting twins.... Then the tears flow. Didn't expect that reaction!! This is all just so difficult. I don't know how I'll ever get over it

Inadays Sun 06-Nov-16 16:59:04

Please believe that you will get over it - because you will eventually! Hang on in there and try Not to be too hard on yourself. I am now married to a lovely man even though I was a single mum for the first 10 years of my son's life. I managed! You will too xcake wineflowers

Olympiathequeen Sun 06-Nov-16 18:56:53

It really is an irreconcilable difference so I would leave now and cut all contact. You have no choice if you want children. Don't waste any more time because it's not in your side I'm afraid. You just can't stay because the bitterness will destroy you and the relationship.

PaulDacresConscience Sun 06-Nov-16 19:03:35

You've done the right thing. Not least because he has been dishonest. How fucking dare he sit there and keep quiet knowing that you'd left your previous partner because you wanted DC and your Ex didn't.

Right now it's raw and hurts like hell. Soon you'll find your anger - and that's good because you should be angry. Channel it into sorting a life out without him, the spineless arsehole.

So sorry to hear about your MC flowers

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