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Blamed for suicide attempt

(16 Posts)
howdiditgettothis Fri 04-Nov-16 14:20:31

I'm in the process of separating from my hubby and this week he attempted suicide. He was calling, texting and emailing family friends on the lead up and during so the police got to him in time. He was taken to hospital and sectioned the following morning.
The day before he was very aggressive in the house and emotionally abusive - saying he would kill himself and it would be my fault. He also caught me up by the neck of my dress - all in front of the kids.
There is so much to this story so I'll try and keep it brief. His family live away from us and his siblings came to see him . One of them mentioned a comment I'd made to my STBX about my concerns with him looking after the children on his own. He expressed his own concern - he has sadly been sexually abused by more than one abuser as a child. He said he was concerned because of 'cycles of abuse'. Not really a proper answer. Anyway it seemed they were holding me responsible for tipping him over the edge questioning this issue?
More concerning is many years ago he actually ended up with a caution for viewing child abuse. At the time I bought his story about it being related to his research work. The police report detailed the material had been accessed on one occasion. I just wanted the whole thing to go away and shoved it to the back of my mind. I don't think his family know about this.

More recently I suspected something was up and checked his phone only to see a string of text messages to a brothel owner booking escorts! This is when I decided to leave.....and also when his caution really started playing on my mind.

He's rarely alone with the kids (baby + 2 toddlers). I don't really want him having unsupervised time with them. What do you think the courts would say about this given his background?
His family contacted me today to make it clear they held me responsible for his suicide attempt as I had allowed him to stay in the house giving him mixed messages. Even though we had separate rooms and I always said we were separating. I'm not sure what to do next .
I'm in bits at the moment - not only that he's done this but that his family are blaming me too. They already know about the emotional abuse and aggression too.
One of his family members said I have til Monday to come up with a financial settlement proposal and they will sort it out on his behalf. I'm planning on taking legal advice before I do anything. They are saying absolutely no solicitors.
Has anyone else been blamed for someone else's suicide attempt? It's really tearing me apart.
Do you think I'll be able to get legal backing for him not to have the kids unsupervised?

forumdonkey Fri 04-Nov-16 14:26:00

You are not responsible for his actions. Don't allow them to emotionally blackmail you.

forumdonkey Fri 04-Nov-16 14:27:20

You need legal advice for the concerns and worries about him having access to the DC, especially given his current mental health

MatildaTheCat Fri 04-Nov-16 14:31:13

Poor you, what a dreadful situation.

His family do not get to call any shots here at all. Ignore their demands and seek your own legal advice. Do not consider making informal agreements in view of all you have written here. Your concern must be for your children. Whilst your dh is a victim the fact remains that he is damaged and poses a potential risk.

His family are unfortunately very likely to seek to blame someone for this sorry mess and you are the only real target. I would try to rise above this and take the line that your ex is unwell and you are just glad he is safe and currently being kept safe.

Please get legal advice ASAP, this isn't a divorce that can be managed between yourselves.

Take care.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 04-Nov-16 14:31:28

The rotten apple that is your soon to be ex husband did not fall far from the rotten tree that is his family of origin.

Get legal advice asap and do not listen to their demands for no solicitors; they are simply trying to intimidate you further. I would also seek legal advice re them as well re a non molestation order.

You are also not responsible in any way for his suicide attempt. I take it as read he is still in hospital in a secure unit?.

MrsBertBibby Fri 04-Nov-16 14:33:17

Absolutely get proper advice (and his violence may mean you can get funding so approach a solicitor who does legal aid.)

Keeping his contact supervised is very possible, but the court will likely want psychiatric evidence, and a whole slew of disclosure about the child pornography caution, nd none of that comes cheap.

Tell them to sod off re finances. None of their business, and he quite possibly doesn't have legal capacity right now.

howdiditgettothis Fri 04-Nov-16 14:48:36

Thanks for your replies. Does anyone know if he agrees to supervised contact - can that make it quicker, cheaper, easier? i.e. without the need for psych assessment.

I'm hoping once he's past this rocky stage he'll be a bit more cooperative in moving forward.

MrsBertBibby Fri 04-Nov-16 15:07:25

Yes of course, if he agrees to only have supervised, that's fine. Until he changes his mind.

itlypocerka Fri 04-Nov-16 15:11:42

They do not get to dictate "no solicitors" - they can fuck right off with that.

Myusernameismyusername Fri 04-Nov-16 15:21:18

They aren't his next of kin if you are married and they have now power of attourney over his finances.

They are unable to advocate for him whilst under section as he will not be able to consent

Speak to his mental health team - the section will have wider implications depending on what they decide at the end of the 28 day assessment, they may decide to proceed to 6 month section 3. Then he will get legal help too

Literally cut the family out of this picture for now and only deal with them via solicitors. Tell his team about his past ASAP as this may be relevant to his condition and diagnosis

MrsBertBibby Fri 04-Nov-16 15:21:53

OP, what's the plan for when he gets out? I really think you need to take steps to ensure he can't come back to your home. A solicitor will help you get a non molestation order and an occupation order. A lot easier to do now, before he gets out. That in turn will mean he will get more help to live elsewhere.

Myusernameismyusername Fri 04-Nov-16 15:22:38

He's only been in a week on section this is assessment stage - you won't be able to tell or predict anything re discharge

MatildaTheCat Fri 04-Nov-16 15:29:53

100% do not go for an informal agreement even if he promises supervised contact with a high court judge present. Get legal advice. Have you made a complaint to the Police about his abuse or have any other evidence? Getting legal aid would obviously be hugely beneficial.

BigFatTent Fri 04-Nov-16 15:30:20

You absolutely need to do everything through official channels and with legal advice. Speak to a solicitor immediately who has the right experience to guide you here.

You are not to blame. He has a troubled history that has brought him to this point and which could potentially impact on your dc.

Do not agree to unsupervised contact if he agrees just to save money. It could leave your children exposed at a later stage. It's really not worth it.

2kids2dogsnosense Fri 04-Nov-16 15:33:33

Firstly - YOU are not responsible for HIS actions.

He has attempted suicide - I would guess that his texts, e-mails etc were to ensure that he didn't succeed. He wanted to be found in time. This is deliberate emotional blackmail - don't be dragged into his and his family's drama.

Your children are your first priority. Get a solicitor and keep your children out of this as much as you can.

One of his family members said I have til Monday to come up with a financial settlement proposal and they will sort it out on his behalf. I'm planning on taking legal advice before I do anything. They are saying absolutely no solicitors.

This is a bloody cheek! Don't engage with them - block them on f/b, e-mail etc - just tell them that if they need to communicate with you, they can do it via your solicitor. Keep a record any attempts they make to bully or coerce you; this may turn into harassment and you will need all of the evidence you can get. Don't answer the telephone to them, but if you have an answerphone, keep any messages they may leave you.

But the is DEFINITELY not your fault. I don't doubt that he is a tortured soul, but that is not your responsibility. Keep yourself and your children safe - that is what you need to do.

GoldfishCrackers Fri 04-Nov-16 15:39:07

His family are trying to pick up where he left off. Protect yourself and your children by giving yourself peace from all of them. You do t have to talk to any of them.
You absolutely are not to blame for his suicide attempt. It may even have been calculated to try to control you.
Get advice from women's aid. You have been abused. Don't accept his family's deadline for a financial settlement. How dare they try to bully you into acting quickly (without a full financial picture and allowing yourself time to clear your head from all that's happened.)
Go to the police about his assault. When you're looking at safe contact for your children in the future you need to have an official record of his behaviour.

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