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Do as I say or I'll leave you.

(18 Posts)
Balanced12 Tue 01-Nov-16 13:48:35

My DP hates my mother, she can be nasty and hard work but has been OK for the last year or so.

Left our baby DS with her for an hour this morning and he has hit the roof nasty texts all day.

He did say he never wanted her to have him but that was before he was born.

Now I'm getting the nastiness I'm a hypocrite and he'll leave me if I ever do it again.

So I'm currently stuck between do I ltb because he's controlling and manipulative (just like my mother) or suck it up and roll with it because I knew it was against his wishes and would happen.

I was pestered into leaving him by my grandmother and sister so I'm a doormat all round really. Wwyd?

legotits Tue 01-Nov-16 13:52:03

Unless he has an excellent reason and is desperate to prevent harm to DS he is wrong.

I couldn't and wouldn't be able to live on an 'or else' basis.
Fuck that.

Is this a common tactic or out of the blue?

Balanced12 Tue 01-Nov-16 13:54:10

She can be a pita and spiteful but she's not a danger.

It's a common tactic but we haven't had it for a while.

I don't know what to do for the best.

SoleBizzz Tue 01-Nov-16 13:57:18

Aside from his other potential issues. Maybe he wants to set the precedent for the future and wants to keep your child safe from her twisted ways

MrsHathaway Tue 01-Nov-16 13:59:55

Objectively, he's saying "I can't be with someone who disobeys me" and it's up to you whether you'd rather (1) be obedient or (2) be single.

"PITA and spiteful" can be a harmful environment for a child. It's not unreasonable in general to have red lines drawn round acceptable childcare options. Is it just your mother be disapproves of, or is it that you're having a break? So if it were nursery/creche/his mother/your sister, would it have been ok?

"If you xyz I'll leave you" is childish unless the xyz is something huge and relevant to the relationship specifically, like "hit me" or "go on the game".

PigletWasPoohsFriend Tue 01-Nov-16 14:01:22

Tbh maybe he sees how your DM behaves towards you and doesn't want her to do the same to your DS

Balanced12 Tue 01-Nov-16 14:01:45

That could be true sole and is what I'm going to tell myself.

I've said sorry (while feeling like a door mat) and I'm still got ranty texts (he's at work).

I want to fix it while saying it's not OK to treat me like shit, I told him his language wasn't nice and he told me to shut up and that I know I'm wrong

Balanced12 Tue 01-Nov-16 14:06:24

That's it Mrs I'm not willing to do as I'm told he also dislikes other members of my family at different levels at different times.

He thinks I allow everyone to take the mick out if me, which with his behaviour at time is laughable

tipsytrifle Tue 01-Nov-16 14:12:20

It sounds like it's a clash of tyrants tbh. You're caught in the middle of what sounds like a crowd of bullies. Is there any way you can find your own voice and ground? I mean, if mother has been "behaving" for awhile maybe it's ok for now and gives you a break. Maybe it's ok to monitor that situation with a view to distancing yourselves again if she reverts.

Being told by a competing controller to do as he says, though, would totally not be acceptable to me. This makes it about antlers clashing rather than genuine perspective and concern. Does this make sense to you?

Are you controlled by him, her & other family members in many ways on a daily basis? Is your leaving him or him threatening to leave you regular currency in your relationship? It all sounds like a horrible tug of war, really, with a child in the eye of the storm and you trying to placate everyone.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 01-Nov-16 14:17:18

There are two different things here.

1. You have a bad mother. You didn't want to leave your DS with her but she bullied you and you left DS with her. Your DH had previously said he didn't want DS left with your DM but you did it anyway, against your own instincts, prioritising appeasing a bully over your DH, over your DS and over your own judgement. He is right to react.

2. Nasty texts are never OK. That's not the right way to stop you from doing the wrong thing to appease your bully of a DM.

So, if I were you I would admit your failure, tell him you need his support to fend off DM, tell him that while his anger was justified his texts were bang out of order and don't help you to resist your mother's pressure.

Balanced12 Tue 01-Nov-16 14:27:24

It is a big mess at times only yesterday I was thinking how happy I am.

I've been low contact with my mother for a long time but she is creeping back in, which is probably very foolish of me.

DP and DM equally dislike each other both wanting me to drop the other.

I've never threatened to leave DP he used to say it every couple of weeks a few years ago but I thought we were well past all that.

Now I'm annoyed with myself as I'm constantly trying to make it all work, I love my sisters/parents/dp but I can never do right for doing wrong

RunRabbitRunRabbit Tue 01-Nov-16 14:34:35

Oh balanced your idea of making it all work seems to be the same as making everyone be not cross with you.

You might have a bad DM and a bad DP. Don't choose between them. Choose what is best for you.

You definitely need to go back to NC with DM. You know that. You need distance from her. She damages you. That is true whether DP is a monster or a saint.

Once you have a little more mental energy due to not dealing with your nasty family any more you can start thinking about whether you choose to have DP in your life.

tipsytrifle Tue 01-Nov-16 14:41:12

Don't be annoyed at yourself Balanced. Send that anger where it belongs, to mother and h. And everyone else who demands your obedience. Somehow you need to figure out/discover ways that you can train yourself to be YOU again. To make choices and decisions about your relationships and how much shit you'll take from them all. Easier said than done, I know. Someone on MN who knows of actual techniques, or who has better advice regarding how you regain an independent mind, will offer more soon, I'm sure.

If mother has bullied you into letting her have dc then you can practise resistance; say you have other plans or whatever - maybe? Doesn't solve the problem of her mirror image that is your h, of course, but it might be a start?

Balanced12 Tue 01-Nov-16 14:58:11

I've made a slip today with Dsis and DM, DP is fab when all is working his way (there all as bad as each other).

Off to Google independent mind and ensure I log out of MN !

hellsbellsmelons Tue 01-Nov-16 15:27:54

And read up about narcissists while you are googling!
Your mother and DP sound like they will have quite a few traits that fall in the right bracket.
While you are at it, if you have a kindle, download, Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft.
Just in case your DP falls into the abusive side of things it will help you see it and be prepared for it.

Arfarfanarf Tue 01-Nov-16 15:31:32

Sounds like you married someone exactly like your mother.

Thats probably why he hates her. Not nice looking in a mirror.

I dont think it's good to let someone think they can threaten you. I'd be replying feel free. You arent forced to stay.

He is no different to your mother.

You could do with breaking free of the pair of them.

hermione2016 Tue 01-Nov-16 15:42:50

Ex's mum was awful and if he had left my dc with her, when we had expressly agreed not to, then I would feel very angry and let down.My instinct as a parent would come out strongly.

However how he is expressing his disappointment (or fear) isn't positve. Threatening to leave is damaging to the safety of the relationship but I know I have done it when I feel so let down.

You both need to do a risk assessment on your mum and agreed the boundaries.I would apologise to your partner if you have deliberately gone against an agreed stance.

I would ask that he handles conflict diffferentely in the future..pressing the nuclear "I will leave" isn't healthy neither is sending nasty texts.
Hopefully you will both be able to have a calm conversation later.

OzzieFem Tue 01-Nov-16 16:26:06

Arfarfanarf Sounds like you married someone exactly like your mother.

Just thinking the same here. Both sound toxic.

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