How do I stop feeling terrified?

[twattymctwatterson]

First time posting my own thread and feeling a bit fragile so go easy on me!

I started seeing someone around seven weeks ago and it's been going really well. First person I've become involved with since my EA ex walked out when I was pregnant four years ago. I don't have a great relationship history anyway and to be honest I had given up on the idea that I'd ever settle down.

New guy is separated fairly recently (7 months) with two kids. His wife ended the marriage and he had admitted it absolutely tore his heart out and I suppose I worry that he's not ready. We have great fun together, he is generous and attentive etc.

The problem is that recently I just feel anxious and terrified that I'm going to get hurt, I'm already over invested in what I'm aware is a very new thing and I feel like it could all end any minute. We will have a fantastic few days together then if he goes a bit quiet I feel like it's all going tits up.

It's got to the point where I feel like finishing it just so I won't feel this way anymore. I don't know what I'm looking for from this thread- I suppose reassurance that I'm not insane!! I know full well that I need to get a grip but don't know how to right now

[bluenose1986]

You've said yourself this is a fairly new thing maybe he's just taking his time going into a new relationship after being broken hearted. Have you ever thought he might be just as scared as you to get hurt?

Just try and enjoy it for what it is and stop putting too much pressure on yourself!

Has he done anything else other than being quiet for a couple of days that is giving you any indication that this is all going to blow up?

Good luck

[GloriaGaynor]

I think you're right to be wary.

Seven months is not long, he's not even divorced, there are kids involved.

I would steer clear personally. If she changes her mind he'll be back with her in an instant.

[twattymctwatterson]

Bluenose it's not really anything he has done. I know it's my issue. He's saying and doing all the right things - but if I text him and he doesn't text back for a few hours I'm tying myself in knots.

[Ohyesiam]

Have you heard of Emotional Freedom Technique? It's a really simple easy of dealing with feelings you don't want to have. If you go onto you time and search EFT for anxiety/fear. It seems really woowoo, but has been shown to work for craving with quitting smoking, and a friend of mine had real success with using it for panic attacks.
Best of luck with this

[Ohyesiam]

You tube, not you time x

[bluenose1986]

You need to relax a little. Have you spoken to him about your insecurities?
If he is saying and doing all the right things and he's just not txting you back immediately i can't see why you would feel like this is a sign it's not right and you want to end it based on this invade you get hurt?
He's is a dad of two children maybe he is busy seeing to their needs because like your own child they should always come first, did he working, is he in the shower there could be a million and one reasons he's not txting back straight away and none of them are negative worrying reasons!

[IamalsoSpartacus]

OP, don't underestimate the damage your EA relatioship left you with.

You're not mad - or if you are, I am too. I get the fear about date three or four.

Take it steady and try and enjoy getting to know new bloke.

[GreenAndWinter]

It's nearly two years since I last saw my abusive husband (was married ten years). In the last couple of months I have started "seeing" somebody that I've been acquainted with for a long time. He is such a kind, patient, chilled out and generally lovely man, and yet I have been so ridiculously afraid to trust him. I have tortured myself (and him) looking for red flags, but have come the conclusion that there simply aren't any.

Don't underestimate the damage done to you by an abusive relationship. Take time to heal, don't rush anything.

[pallasathena]

After my divorce many years ago, I used to self-sabotage every time I found a new relationship and used to get a real thrill of satisfaction when the boyfriend finished it because of my contrary ways.
Deliberately contrary ways I might add.
Looking back, it was quite complicated. I wanted to know if I was still desirable, and yet I couldn't go through all the hurt and pain and tear filled nights ever again and so, when things started to look as if they were going somewhere, I'd sabotage things. And the relationship would end. And I'd heave a sigh of relief because it was better for it to end now rather than when I'd become over invested.
Mad I know, but at the time it made some sort of sense to me and left me feeling in control which was very important at the time.
Maybe, your anxiety is related. I can remember distinctly the overwhelming feelings of anxiety that would wash over me if boyfriend hadn't called or arranged something. Like you, I would catastrophise and it made me feel like such a bloody fool.
I think that's when I got into the self-sabotage phase.
In hindsight, I should've got some counselling but back in the day, that was a bit of a woo woo thing to do.
Hope that helps a bit.

[twattymctwatterson]

Thanks everyone. It does help to know that I'm not the only one to have felt this way. Maybe I do need to have some counselling

[witchhazelblue]

Definitely not alone! I got out of my abusive marriage 2 years ago(10 years together) and started seeing someone this year. I still get 'the fear' and terrible anxiety although he's given me no reason to doubt him. As PPs have said, never underestimate the effects of an abusive relationship.

My advice is to take it easy, don't overinvest and give yourself a 'get out' plan so you don't feel trapped and unable to escape if it does all go wrong (maybe it will, maybe it won't). My 'get out' plan consists of living in my own home, keeping finances separate as much as possible and still keeping in touch with friends/family.

And go for the counselling. It does help.