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DW is messaging someone else and other assorted shite

(9 Posts)
flamencina Sat 29-Oct-16 19:36:50

Namechanged for this

I've been with my DW for 10 years (same sex relationship), she has children who have lived with us the entire time and I've been a very involved parent to them. We have a 2 year old together now (I'm birth mother). We have had a lot of friction over the past couple of years. DW was diagnosed with depression when our DC was 6 months old and is still taking anti-depressants.

We have had a lot of rows, mostly over her heavy drinking and sometimes over money. We have tried to work through them as best as possible, they are usually quite epic but we make up afterwards. Things aren't always resolved though, as it's often the same issues that come up the next time. She says she will cut down the drinking and it's not as bad as it was but it is still very heavy (10-20 units 4-5 days a week).

Recently, we had a big row and didn't speak for days. When we argue, she tells me she wants to split up and she's had enough. When we make up, she says that's not the case and told me this time that she just flips out and says it to hurt me and told me she never wants to lose me.

She has been acting weirdly with money recently and I caught her ripping up her bank statement and hiding it in the bin so I fished it out later and she's overdrawn by a couple of thousand pounds. Aside from the drinking, I fail to see how she can have racked up this much debt in a year. She has approx £700-800 left after bills each month so even with her heavy drinking, this should be enough to see her through.

I was really suspicious and stupidly decided to check her emails to see if I could glean any info. I know this was wrong, I'd be mad if she did it to me, though there's nothing to hide in my emails/texts/messages anyway. I found a lot messenger notifications from an online friend I knew she had. I can only see his side, not what she's sending him but it's clear that it is a two-way conversation. Some are very sexually explicit, again it's clear that she's sending similar stuff because of his responses. They have discussed the possibility of meeting up for sex but from what I can tell, have not done so yet.

They have not had this kind of conversation since we made up from the argument and I'm planning to monitor it for a while and see whether they continue it when we're not arguing. It's really hard to keep up the pretence of being happy with her though, it plays on my mind all day long. I feel completely betrayed.

I want to let her know I know at some point but I know how she will react and she'll make out like I'm just as much in the wrong for snooping. I know I'm not (though not blameless) but it will be turned around to that.

I don't know what advice I want really. I just wanted to get it out. I don't know if I want to leave, but I don't know if I can look at myself if I stay. Leaving throws up a whole other set of problems that I'm not sure I'm ready to confront.

Crazeecurlee Sun 30-Oct-16 19:08:20

Hi OP, didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry you're going through this and I hope some other wise poster will be along soon to help.

You say you want to confront her. What exactly is it you are waiting for? It sounds like it is hurting you a lot to keep in inside; maybe talking to her is the best option? Does it really matter when she is messaging this person?

FluffyFluffster Sun 30-Oct-16 19:15:11

You don't need to make a decision right away. You can sit on it for a few days while you process the information.

It doesn't sound like a relationship that's working though so the bigger question is probably whether it can be salvaged and whether or not you want to.

jellybelly16 Sun 30-Oct-16 19:21:06

Whether you were arguing or not she should not be messaging someone else!! You'll definitely need to have it out with her otherwise it'll just play on your mind constantly..

MissMargie Sun 30-Oct-16 19:31:42

Drinking heavily 4-5 times a week is a lot of booze.

Not good for you or DCs.

flamencina Sun 30-Oct-16 20:04:13

Thanks for the replies.

MissMargie it is, but it's also a lot less than it was and that's tied into the depression and that issue alone I'm willing to have patience on for a limited time, for her to continue to reduce.

crazeecurlee I think I'm just scared of initiating what seems to be an inevitable split. And that's a whole other can of worms. Part of me wants to leave but there's so much at stake if I do. I don't actually want to break up but I think that even if she promises never to do it again, I'll always wonder what she's up to.

I am definitely taking my time to process it. I need to work out the best path through this. I need to work out practicalities if I do leave and I'd rather feel strong about that before I make the jump.

I am worried about the backlash of me snooping because I just know she'll go mad. I don't know what justification I can use for doing so. I have toyed with the idea of pretending an anonymous 3rd party has read the messages and somehow informed me.

As well as that, would I be a fool to stay if we sorted other stuff out? I always thought I'd walk at the first sign of any cheating but now I am here, it's hard to make the decision.

ProphetOfDoom Sun 30-Oct-16 20:13:18

Trust and respect are the bedrock to any relationship. And, understandably, yours has been shaken in her. She might not have physically cheated - yet - but she is emotionally cheating on you with someone else. Yes, she has issues but that doesn't excuse her behaviour to you or give her the right to treat you with cruelty. Where are your needs being met in this relationship? You have a right to be safe, secure & loved.

There's no rush here. You take your time. It's very few people if can process and make a decision instantly unless very well supported. But you know you deserve better.

flamencina Mon 31-Oct-16 23:52:16

Thanks prophet.

We had a huge talk about a lot of stuff, talked about honesty and how I felt pushed out. I acknowledged my part in our problems, as with most cases it's a bit of both to blame. We cleared the air about the debt. She is very sorry, and swears she is being 100% open now. But hasn't said about this twat she's been messaging. Which is kind of expected - who would freely give that info if they think their partner didn't know.

I'm not confronting her about him yet, because I want to keep snooping and see if she stops now. For me, that makes a difference. It'll still be a massive betrayal either way but I'd like to know if she's now going to take steps to stop it now we've sorted other problems out. But I need to know whether she stops because she wants to or because she's been caught.

I'm worried about her turning it around onto me for snooping. I know that's a lesser crime than detailed messages about blow jobs and seeking to meet up with them, but I know she'll try to make me feel in the wrong for looking.

I don't feel well supported at all. I moved away to be here, my family are 300 miles away. I struggle to make friends, the ones I have here that aren't originally hers are hugely busy with a lot of family illness etc and I can't depend on them too much. I'm a sahm so most days I don't speak to anyone but her and the kids.

ProphetOfDoom Thu 03-Nov-16 21:58:42

Do you know what you're going to do if the emotional affair continues?

I think in the meantime you should work on building up your RL friendships & perhaps even going to visit family. You need to feel supported and hopefully you will feel able to confide in f&f. It can be a lonely position to be in otherwise, loyally protecting their disloyalty! Irony huh? She doesn't deserve you.

And - because this is about YOUR life and future - you have every right to be 'snooping'/ aka finding the truth. Don't let someone lashing out because they've been caught & they don't like the repercussions make you feel bad! They're the one who's behaving badly.

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