Why did school mums take sides with XH against me

[user1475501383]

Hi there, having gained so much helpful advice and views from you MNetters, I thought I might ask what your take on this is and/or if you've experienced anything similar.

In a nutshell, 2 years ago Xh stopped me from getting on the plane back to UK, he left with our DS and I took a separate flight back the next day, returned to UK but moved out of our shared home. Since then, XH has limited my contact with DS, I went along with this at first because my DF and DM said I couldn't afford legal representation and that I should sort things out amicably. XH agreed to 50-50 parenting but unbeknownst to me changed his mind at some point, without telling me. All the time I thought we were working towards shared care.
1 year ago I got together with DP and a few weeks later XH busted into my flat in anger and I reported him to the police. After that, he stopped me seeing DS unsupervised for a tormenting 3-4 months. Court proceedings have been ongoing ever since - currently he's agreed by consent that I had DS overnight one night a week without supervision. The court has made no orders yet, XH claims my mental instability as his reason.

This September we filed statements to court. He had four school mums giving lengthy statements about how I'm unable to parent, writing character assassinations of me. Plus one former friend who's not a school mum. And all his family members of course - but what I continue to be puzzled by is what made these women side so strongly with XH against me, effectively saying to court I should not be able to be a proper mum to DS?

Their reasons were mainly based on what they'd heard from XH, so I don't quite understand how they did not come to question the source of information? Why do people do this?

I'm just taken aback because I would never in a million years get involved with other people's child arrangement proceedings without at the very least hearing both sides. I used to regularly babysit some of these mums' kids so it's kind of outrageous that they now try to stop me having any proper contact with my DS. They made their minds up after whatever XH told them and did not ask me anything and the next thing I know they've written these horrible statements about me.

Would love to hear your views.

[Gymnopedies]

Sorry, it sounds horrible. Those women are probably after some drama and blindly believe what your ex-h has told them.
I hope the court sees through that and you get to see your DS more. I remember one of your previous threads, your parents don't seem very much on your side.

[user1475501383]

Thanks gymnopedies

In principle, my parents are now supporting of me. They weren't when I first broke up with XH! They still sometimes make strange comments out of the blue, like DM said the other day 'You could just think positive and be happy that at least you see DS one night a week and one afternoon a week' - implying that I should perhaps drop the court case and be happy with my lot, the lot that controlling XH currently allows.

Even my DF looked at my DM completely shocked when she had blurted it out! And told her it was out of order.

I think DM still sees my XH as some kind of perfect man,as he is much more hands on with childcare than my DF ever was, and therefore she does not see what I see, which is: is it really in DS's best interests to be brought up principally by a man with obvious tendencies for control, coercion, EA and even physical chastisement.... DM seems to be blinded by XH's charm in these ways, as my DF was very hands off with me and DM did 90% of the practical stuff alone with my upbringing...

That and I also suspect my parents are slightly autistic... Suffice to say it runs in the family.

Thanks for your view. Yes, it feels like these women have embraced the opportunity to 'stir shit', proving my worst fears true regarding 'school mums'. Not to tar all with the same brush, plenty of school mums have chosen to stay impartial to their credit, but... it's just vile in my opinion and I would never ever have acted like that towards someone if the tables were turned so I've found it hard to comprehend...

[LeftRightUpDown]

Have you got a diagnosis of autism? Is it that which your ex is referring too?

[ddrmum]

I'd be surprised if the courts took too much interest in the statements your exh provides from non-professional 3rd parties. They may order a cafcass / social services report especially if your exh has violent tendencies as busying into your flat would suggest. What was the outcome with the police over this? It is something the court should be made aware of. Sadly been in a similar position which is ongoing. Wishing you all the best

[ddrmum]

As for those mums, give them a wide berth. Sadly some people enjoy adding to the drama of other people's lives. They might feel differently of they had to take the stand in court to explain their statements.

[HappyJanuary]

The court won't take a blind bit of notice of some random women's 'he said, she said' nonsense. The only way their statements will be given credence if they are willing to stand up and say they saw you do something specific.

It's hard to imagine a group of mothers conspiring to make sure another mum can't have proper access to her children.

[user1475501383]

Thanks LeftRightUpDown, yep something along those lines (a diagnosed learning difficulty/difference) and I'm on antidepressants.

Thanks ddrmum, Sadly the police messed up the report, as they asked me do i want XH arrested, I said no, they said 'if you give a statement we will have to arrest him' so I didn't give a statement. Then the police made the incident seem like XH was already in my flat and I pushed him out in a (their words) shoving match!!

Thankfully the police report from when I actually made the 999 call reports exactly what happened, ie my version of events, XH busting in etc. Threatening me and my DP in front of my DS... But the report from the two policemen who visited has completely whitewashed what happened. When I later called the police to ask why they had misrepresented the events they wrote down that I was retrospectively trying to change my version of events! I'm still horrified. Yet I didn't well want XH arrested in front of DS either and the policemen said that's what would happen if I made the statement. My DP was present throughout the policemen's interview so thankfully he's a witness. Wishing you all the best too, have you written about your experiences on MN as I'd be interested to read?

Thanks HappyJanuary, one of them does claim she saw me once have a meltdown where I slapped myself on the head a few times and called myself stupid. No children saw this. Can't get too specific on details but it was somewhat related to the distress I was under living with XH at that time, 3 years ago... However, she uses this as an a'arming example' of my mental instability.

Another mum told me to take her DD to the park with my DS, they told which park to go to, it was 4.30 pm (I took photos of the kids on our way to the park so I know), an hour later her husband came to pick the DD up. She has made a lengthy statement on how taking kids to that park in the dark (late last year 4.30 already after sunset) was 'irresponsible parenting' from my part because 'teenagers have a tendency to gather' in that park. I saw some teenagers quite far away but it was just me and my DS and her DD at the park. I didn't even know that park, they told me to take their DD there as they were packing and said it would be helpful for them!!!

Am I paranoid in thinking the previous 'park incident' was a setup? Shortly after, said friend shouted at me on the phone and when I replied by email, she had the police turn up on my doorstep, she and her husband had reported me for harassment!

XH has been vehement that said police report be included in the court bundle. And it is. The 'friend' had made a statement to the police, which was strange considering the reason she shouted at me in the first place was because I had called the police on XH busting into my flat...