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AIBU to expect my husband to remember important things I have told him?

(9 Posts)
tigercub50 Sat 22-Oct-16 21:39:30

This might be a sweeping statement but I know some men are not very good at doing more than one thing at once so I do try to ensure my husband is really listening to me when it's something important. We have been having a lot of problems with DD's behaviour & have contacted an outside agency to help. The lady unfortunately let us down the first time but now she has set aside a whole day so that we can choose a time that suits us & she won't have anyone else to see. I told my husband this. I also told him at least three times that the best slot would be around 1.45 to 3.45 for the lady to see us alone then come with us to school, collect DD & chat to her on her own (she has an after school club til 4). My husband has gone & booked someone in for a driving lesson at 3! I was, quite naturally,exasperated with him but he had a go at me then said he misunderstood & thought we had to wait for the lady to get back to us & confirm. I explained very clearly on each occasion so couldn't believe he had booked right in the middle of the time we needed. He then complained about being peed about & that he couldn't afford to lose business,when in fact she is doing the complete opposite of peeing him about! To add to that, he also said he doesn't think we need help now. It got so horrendous that he was talking about leaving & even on one occasion about sending DD back! (She is adopted). There have been loads of other occasions when he has forgotten things - drives me crackers! I try to write a lot more down now but I really thought I didn't need to write this down. We have chosen a slot now but it's in the morning so the lady will have to come back to talk to DD. I think GRRRR about covers it!

Gymnopedies Sat 22-Oct-16 22:03:36

Keep DD, send the husband back.

StartledByHisFurryShorts Sat 22-Oct-16 23:05:07

It's not about him forgetting. It's about how he dealt with the situation once he realised. The normal thing to do would be to reschedule the driving lesson.

The way he behaved - getting defensive, angry, threatening to get rid of your dd ffs - makes him sound like a complete arse.

Go to the appointment without him. Give some serious thought to whether you need him in your life at all.

geekymommy Sun 23-Oct-16 05:03:58

Forgetting stuff and double booking appointments is normal. Being upset about scheduling glitches like this is also normal. Threatening to leave you or send your adopted daughter back over it is NOT.

Penfold007 Sun 23-Oct-16 05:49:08

He didn't forget, he's choosing not to engage. You may have to face the fact that for him the adoption isn't working.

tigercub50 Sun 23-Oct-16 06:48:43

I should have explained that DH saying he felt like leaving & that he felt like sending DD back were during some of her worst behaviour & not whilst we were discussing the double booking. He has since said he was very upset & didn't mean it. He is a good Dad. However, he rarely takes criticism very well & certainly was defensive on this occasion. He also said that the woman wanting the lesson was unable to do any other time & he had already refused her once the previous week, I think. In the end,he booked out a 2 hour slot but said something like "To keep you quiet". It's like he has forgotten how awful it was & actually, he often gets the brunt of it. I tried to explain that I was thinking of him & trying to support him but he said stuff like he wasn't happy about having someone outside the family involved. It was actually more him than me originally saying that we had to do something. Perhaps he feels ashamed - he has said that he feels a failure as a Father. I am exasperated, upset & sorry for him all at once. I think he is emotionally quite immature & I would love to help him with that. It really makes me think when I read the messages on here. He can act like a complete "arse" but equally is very loving, funny & a good family man

Iamthinking Sun 23-Oct-16 07:38:56


It is such a pain to have to keep repeating what you said. I am sometimes astounded at what I have to repeat. I hate it. Do you have these conversations in the evening when he is tired or after he has had a drink? That is my only advice...important things should be discussed in the morning or just repeated/confirmed in the morning. Or done via email and online calendar appointments in the day.

By the sounds of it, he may not have entirely forgotten though, he actually remembered but passively aggressively 'misinterpreted' what you said, and booked this lesson in. That is a shorter term problem as hopefully when you start your sessions with this lady he will get over his sense of failure and embarrassment and will welcome her support.

Or instead he could have genuinely forgotten what you said. My partner is terrible for forgetting what I say -

geekymommy Sun 23-Oct-16 14:07:05

I get feeling ashamed and upset because your kid is having problems. I get not wanting to bring in someone from outside the family. I understand those things. I still think threatening to leave or send your adopted kid back is over the line.

geekymommy Sun 23-Oct-16 14:11:03

Have you tried using Google Calendar or something similar, or even writing things down on a paper calendar? That might help with the scheduling problems. If he can't remember things like this, there are things that can help with that.

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