Anyone else NC with adult child

[Mrsglitterpants]

Our dd 18?has always been difficult and for the past four years been physically and emotionally abusive to me and DH. My life for the past two years at home has been tense, miserable and unpleasant. Tried everything with her - counselling, time her and me, time her and dh, nothing worked. She just got worse and worse.

What makes it feel particularly difficult is that her real dad was extremely physically and emotionally abusive to me. I left when she was a baby and they have never met.

She reminds me of him in many ways. Refusal to study for a levels (she has none) refusal to get a job, anything going wrong being everyone else's fault. Capacity for extreme mental cruelty and no remorse - she has written me the most awful emails over the past two years calling me a street whore, disgusting bitch etc. Others are sometimes the recipient of these missives too - an employer who didn't offer her a job, a relative whose tone she didn't like in a friendly email.

She has gone on a year out funded by us. She sent me a really awful abusive message today prompted by something v small and said she wants no contact.

I feel right now that I want to take her at her word. I honestly can't take any more. The thought of her returning home after year out makes me feel panicky as home has been such a peaceful place without her.

I feel like such a shit failure of a mother. I ended contact today saying fine by me, I love you (I always try to say this) She replied calling me a fucking freak.

DH says she will grow up but j actually don't know if she will, I don't think this is a question of maturity.

Just been sat in tears, feel so despondent.

[Florathefern]

She sounds angry.

What happened with the counselling?

I don't have adult children but I have a messy up immediate family where non contact seems to be the norm. I don't think non contact was ever a choice,, more a combination of a lack of effort, time taking over and contact being met with short replies. I understand the tears and upset you are feeling because for me, it was like grief and truth be told, it still is although the frequency of feeling the sense of loss, is now on a weekly basis more than a daily basis.

I think ultimately all you can do, should you not wish to go non contact, is let her know that your door is always open and she is welcome any time. But first maybe ask yourself if she is......?

[Montane50]

This is so hard for you, and I don't really have any advice as i haven't been in the same situation. But when my daughter was younger she stopped going to school, got pregnant, took drugs and was arrested for shoplifting. Her siblings lived through this hell. In the end i kicked her out, shes now married to an amazing man and i enjoy her company-do what you feel is right, and make sure you can live with it. But try not to burn your bridges, we had open door policy-but on our terms not hers x

[Mrsglitterpants]

She only went to counselling three times. The counsellor came highly recommended. Dd sneered about her and said it was useless and she didn't have problems and didn't need counselling.

Door is open if she wants a normal relationship but if she wants to come back and resume physical and emotional abuse..... Right now I don't know. I've always felt you should love your children unconditionally but does that mean tolerating this kind of treatment? I won't see her on the street obviously but for my own and dh's MH I don't know if we can go back to that, it was relentless and awful.

[Mrsglitterpants]

Thanks montane and glad your story had a happy ending.

[Lunar1]

How long has your husband been in her life?

[Mrsglitterpants]

Since she was tiny. She had a great relationship with him till she was about 14.

[insan1tyscartching]

Why would you fund a year out for someone who treats you abysmally? In effect you are giving her permission to abuse you because she is not getting the message that it is wholly unacceptable. A year out is a reward for working hard at A levels (and working a job alongside to part self fund in my books) before heading off to uni. It's not for someone who hasn't worked, doesn't work and has no career plan in place when she returns.
I'd be sending an email saying that you love her but will respect her wishes regarding no contact and won't contact her again but the door will be left open should she ever wish to make contact. As an aside I would add that obviously you won't be funding her anymore as she is an independent adult and wish her well in finding some sort of employment that she finds rewarding.
You need to toughen up, she is walking all over you, she won't respect you or your boundaries until you show her you deserve to be treated with respect,

[gildedcage]

I really feel for you this must be very hard for you. I haven't been through this myself so can't talk from personal experience. What I would say is that you have given your daughter love unconditionally. And you are not saying that you no longer love her. Your just saying that you aren't prepared to accept her shocking behaviour any longer.

In a way you may be helping her. If she sees that you are no longer prepared to put up with this she may start to question her own behaviour. It is clear she is very angry, but only she can make the changes she needs to find her own mental calm.

I know that being a mother doesn't end when your child reaches 18, but she's technically an adult now and it's time for her to feel the repercussions of her own actions.

[flapjackfairy]

Also there is nothing to say that you have to have her back home to live. I certainly wouldnt under the circumstances and yes call her bluff,stop any financial support but let her know you still love her but will absolutely refuse to tolerate any more of hr

[flapjackfairy]

Sorry posted too soon . Dont tolerate any more but leave door open if she wants to resume contact. You will be doing her a massive favour.

[Mrsglitterpants]

Thanks all. Should have said we paid for her fares to go on her year out but she is supposed to be working. Currently she is living free with a friend though and doing bare minimum of work.

[NattyTile]

You can love someone unconditionally, but still set limits on what you will accept from them. Unconditional love doesn't mean being a doormat.

It's about saying (and believing!) that I will always love you, no matter what, but I will not allow you to hurt me any more.

Just as you don't stop loving a toddler when they headbut you in a tantrum, but you do move your head do they can't do it again.

[pocketsaviour]

She had a great relationship with him till she was about 14.

And that is when she started lashing out at everyone?

Lunar1 and I are probably thinking along similar lines.

[LIttleTripToHeaven]

What happened when she was 14?

[Mrsglitterpants]

My husband has been in her life since she was very small.
She had a big fall out with her best friend since primary school at 14. Friend dropped her and joined group of popular girls. DD was already quite challenging but became extremely angry and reclusive at this point.

[Pickled0nions]

I don't think you are a shit mum, I think you are a tired mum.

Her emails make it plain that she doesn't love you the same way that you love her. Stop feeling bad for her now, she has to learn.

Allow her to be independent, don't offer her money. She's choosing to go no contact with you. I would strongly consider following through with this and telling her that you feel the same way.

She has your email, she knows where you are if she ever needed you.

Don't be a doormat anymore. I couldn't tolerate this. Neither should you.

[Atenco]

I feel for you, OP. Bringing up teenagers is like walking a tightrope. I think the best thing is for her to become independent now, while you let it be known that you still love her.

This is not by way of judgment, but I do find the connection you make between her behaviour and her father's rather disturbing. My ex is an arsehole and my dd ressembles him quite a lot, but I feel that every type of character has good and bad points, and it is up to us, the parents to try to bring out the good side of that character. I didn't personally totally succeed So I worry that one of the problems you have had is seeing your ex reflected in your dd. I'm only putting that out for you to consider.

[saintagur]

Sorry to hear that Glitter; it's not always easy being a parent and you sound like a lovely caring mum. I am sure that your relationship will improve with your daughter in time, maybe when she is more mature. I wish you all the best. I wish you all the best and don't neglect yourself or let your health be affected by all this anxiety.

[QuiteLikely5]

Op

Do not feel guilty about setting a standard for yourself. You really aren't asking for much at all. Do not allow her back into your life until she treats you with respect.

Go nc with her and recollect your emotional health.

I would be telling her that when and only when she treats you with respect will there be any chance of a relationship between you. And mean it.

[Mrsglitterpants]

Thank you your responses have all really helped.

[pallasathena]

Tell her that you have rights too and if she wants to have a relationship with you, then she treats you respectfully. If she can't do that, then you can't do the mothering bit either.
She needs to be told, not pandered to, not excused. Sometimes, people have to learn the hard way. Its called tough love and its particularly recommended for the snowflake generation I believe.