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OH getting women's details at gigs

(16 Posts)
witchhunter Wed 19-Oct-16 13:58:57

Name changed as a previous post could identify me.

OH and I have been together 7 years, early 30s, not married, no children, own a house together.

He had never given me any reason to be concerned about our relationship. We bought a house recently, planned to get married in the next couple of years etc.

A couple of months ago we were on holiday and I briefly saw an instagram photo of a girl on his phone. I did some snooping found he had an account and had been liking lots of different girls photos, nothing dodgy just pictures of their faces. I was a bit upset about this. He had even been liking pictures of them on holiday on my birthday and it upset me that all of the girls had a really alternative style, piercings and tattoo's etc which is nothing like me - this part bothered more than it should have.

When I asked him about the account he genuinley seemed hurt that he'd done something to upset me, offered to let me look through his phone, agreed that if it was the way around he wouldn't like it and deleted the account (I didn't ask him to delete it). He also mentioned that they were all people he'd met at gigs and festivals and for some reason at the time I accepted this explanation. It made me feel better that they weren't just random girls, but now I can't stop thinking about him going to gigs and getting enought details from other women to be able to follow them online. I also saw one of the girls phone numbers on his phone via the screen in the car. He didn't try to hide it from me, presumably because he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong.

I swing from thinking I am paranoid and controlling to thinking he is behaving wholy innapropriately. He goes to these gigs with a male friend who is married. It's a pretty niche type of music which I don't really like. The fact that you wouldnt come across people liking the music in everyday life could be an excuse to meet people at the gigs. Would you be OK with this? I can't decide whether to drag the subject up again.

Vagabond Wed 19-Oct-16 15:45:35

I wouldn't be happy with that.

I would think that he was a fucking creep.

But I'm old-fashioned and old.

What kind of guy does that? He sounds like a teenage girl.

adora1 Wed 19-Oct-16 15:48:22

What a sleaze, picking up numbers then stalking women he doesn't even know, no it's not acceptable OP and you really need to be asking yourself why you think it might be, it's really not.

He was hurt he hurt you, yeah but continues to stalk them.

AnyFucker Wed 19-Oct-16 15:50:58

Well, he's sniffing around other women

You are either OK with that, or you ate not

HuskyLover1 Wed 19-Oct-16 16:08:58

If he's getting their details, surely he has to be chatting to them at the gigs? And chatting long enough, that they are not creeped out when he asks for their number. I don't think anyone would be happy with that. Personally, I'd be going through his whole phone - all the apps, like FB and Whatsapp etc, without him knowing. A lot of people don't agree with that, but self preservation would make me do it.

Millymollymanatee Wed 19-Oct-16 16:10:29

Totally unacceptable. Tell him to get lost.

TempusEedjit Wed 19-Oct-16 16:12:09

So if it's all about the shared interest in niche music then presumably he also has details for men he meets at these gigs not just women?

I know when I went to a book signing of my favourite band I got chatting to both sexes (and this was when I was single), I certainly wouldn't hone in on just the opposite sex. I wouldn't be happy in your shoes OP. Even if it wasn't deliberate your OH has poor boundaries at the very least.

redisthenewblack Wed 19-Oct-16 16:56:36

I'm probably in the minority here but it really wouldn't bother me.

My DP has countless friends on FB that he's met at gigs/festivals over the years (mainly Heavy Metal music, Download etc). Some of his best friends have come from these chance meetings.

If it's a very niche style of music he likes, being friends with these people on social media could be his way of staying part of the scene, keeping up with the news on favourite bands, or even developing a circle of friends to camp with at festivals, etc.

If he's not trying to hide anything, he's freely allowed you access to his phone and even offered to delete his account then I can't really see anything dodgy going on.

Of course everyone has different ideas and boundaries about these things and if it upsets you then you're well within your rights to feel that way. What would you like him to do about it going forward? Do you ever go to any of these gigs/festivals with him?

AnyFucker Wed 19-Oct-16 17:40:28

Are they all women, red ?

ImperialBlether Wed 19-Oct-16 17:42:21

I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him, OP. I certainly wouldn't be marrying him or having children with him.

mumofthemonsters808 Wed 19-Oct-16 17:45:42

I always find it strange when someone's Husband is constantly liking pictures of other women, maybe it's me, but I can't help but find it odd.

redisthenewblack Wed 19-Oct-16 20:12:26

A large proportion AF.

Does the OP know he hasn't made friends with any blokes too? I think it might be a case of noticing the women more than any random blokes he's friends with.

flopsypopsymopsy Wed 19-Oct-16 20:18:21

No, I wouldn't be okay with that.

evelynj Wed 19-Oct-16 20:21:53

I don't think this is classic ltb behaviour & would be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe try going to a gig occasionally with him & see if he feels any different with you there. Otoh, I don't see the point in taking details of other people at this stage in my life unless they're going to open a social networking group of their interests!

Mysecretgarden Wed 19-Oct-16 20:22:49

If you are uncomfortable with it, then it is an issue. Chances his behaviour will not change, considering he finds it harmless.
So potentially it could become bigger.

RolfsBabyGrand Wed 19-Oct-16 22:02:22

No I wouldn't be okay with it. It's like he's playing at being single. Even if he hasn't acted on it, the whole swapping numbers etc is disrespectful to your relationship. I'm not sure how to read his reaction of being open, not hiding her number - what's your gut feeling?

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