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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Need to know if I am being unreasonable

11 replies

crossroads3 · 17/10/2016 12:58

Hi

I would just like others' opinions on something that happened yesterday between h and I.

I had spent quite a lot of the day making sure that people had food at lunchtime and at dinner - we were snacking on different things all day which had been mostly provided by me. In the afternoon I had warmed up crumble. The 2 eldest had then got themselves sandwiches. I had then made all the dc gnocchi and warmed up some older food for h (he spent a lot of the day sat on the sofa working on his PC). I also looked after the wet and dry washing etc. , and emptied and filled the dishwasher about 500 times.

So I was basically looking forward to when I could get on to doing something for myself. H then asks if ds had eaten. I said he had had a sandwich and some gnocchi (I don't think he heard this bit). He said he probably wants some cooked food. So I snapped a bit at this point and said that he should make it. He said "what" (dangerously), I repeated that he should make it and incandescent with rage he shouted from the sofa
"ARE YOU STUPID?"
There is more to say but I have to go back to work after my lunch break. Just to start though, did I in some way warrant this reaction from H?

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RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/10/2016 13:07

No.

Nothing could have warranted his reaction.

If my DH had sat on the sofa all day while I did everything else, I myself would have been incandescent with rage at him. It seems you are not. That's odd.

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crossroads3 · 17/10/2016 16:20

Thanks RunRabbit

I didn't mind doing the running around as there are other days he does it - or does loads of cooking.

What I did mind was the scary way he spoke to me. Following his "ARE YOU STUPID?", though I felt really awful, humiliated and like crying, I decided not to cower or to plead and kind of laughed at him and said "NO I REALLY AM NOT". I said I had been doing loads and he said "what?" in a horribly dismissive way. I explained a bit more and he said/shouted sarcastically, "OH YOU ARE SUCH A LOVELY PERSON" (wtf). Again I met him in the middle, laughed at him, and said "YES I REALLY AM".

I could see my 2 dds had frozen and were waiting to see what would happen next. I then explained again what ds had eaten (who is almost 15 by the way ) and H asked me if he had had the gnocchi as well (he obviously had not heard the first time). I said yes and that I had run out of inspiration (so in other words if H wanted to make something for him he could). H then said nothing. I felt like crying.

We have not spoken to each other since (not unusual).

There is a backstory but I wanted to leave it at yesterday's event to see what people thought about that on its own. At first (after one of these incidents) all I want to do is get divorced, then I start rationalising and wondering if other people would be as upset as I was yesterday.

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scallopsrgreat · 17/10/2016 16:24

No YANBU. He is.

But you know that really, I suspect.

Make a note of it to remind you when he does his next overreaction/verbal abuse moment, that no, it isn't a one off and in fact is probably getting more frequent.

Are you having a few 'lightbulb' moments crossroads?

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ImperialBlether · 17/10/2016 16:27

He's a bully, isn't he? I'd suggest he bought himself another sofa in another house and bugger off there.

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hellsbellsmelons · 17/10/2016 16:31

I'd have happily cooked some dinner (anything) and then plopped it on DH head!
This is seriously not OK.
I hate hate hate the word 'stupid'
What else is going on because this sounds like the tip of a very big iceberg!

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TheNaze73 · 17/10/2016 16:39

Sounds like 6 to 1 & half a dozen of the other. The way he spoke you was totally wrong & that's inexcusable. Is there another room he could work in? I don't hear or see much when I'm busy working

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leaveittothediva · 17/10/2016 16:41

I think this is coming from the backstory, it's just something I've encountered when something that hasn't been resolved to their satisfaction, they start sniping about really insignificant stuff, and that's when I realize that we need to revisit what's gone on before. Childish I know, but some men can only seem to misscommunicate in this way. Their listening ears aren't open. Just my view, for what it's worth.

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daisychain01 · 17/10/2016 16:49

I had spent quite a lot of the day making sure that people had food at lunchtime and at dinner - we were snacking on different things all day which had been mostly provided by me

Let's look at some root causes before leaping on the LTB bandwagon

Youre tired and feeling undervalued. Root cause - You're running yourself ragged, getting food and generally being an unappreciated skivvy. Suggest you Need to have regular family meal times, get the family pitching I with setting the table, serving up and clearing away.

You are undervalued by the Family. Root cause, the family see you doing all that running around AND seeing their DF talking to you like a piece of dirt under his shoe, so their belief you are put on earth to tend to their every need is reinforced by his treatment of you. So they sit on their bum all day.

Sorry to say it, but some of the above is because you are allowing yourself to be treated like a doormat. Your DH is the other adult and needs to start being a partner to you, not siding against you in front of the DC.

Have things gone too far or do you think he would be receptive to talking about a more equal distribution of labour. And more respect to you in front of the DC who are picking up on the atmosphere.

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crossroads3 · 17/10/2016 17:18

Over time there have been lots of moments like this scallopsgreat and I have been writing them down for a long time.

Yes Imperial he is a bully. Not all the time but enough of the time for it to matter.

I think you are spot on daisychain but I think it has gone too far, not least because of how controlling and short tempered H can be.

Am typing on my phone, will be able to say more when I get to a laptop.

Thanks for all your thoughts .

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RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/10/2016 17:24

I think he is unreasonable and you are normal.

However, if I was wrong it wouldn't matter.

You say you have lots of incidents that make you want to divorce him. So what if Mavis down the road wouldn't mind him being like that? You don't and that's all that matters.

Get your ducks in a row. One day there will be no incident to consider divorcing him over because he will be living elsewhere. Bliss.

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crossroads3 · 17/10/2016 17:44

Yes - bliss.

At the moment he is spending Tuesday to Friday of every week working away and by Friday I have really relaxed because there isn't the pressure of wondering what mood he is in, or of worrying about the pitiful state of our relationship.

Of course it's easy to feel happy in that situation because I am with the dc all the time and there hasn't been a traumatic divorce. The money I earn pays for food and for clothes/activities/stuff for the kids, so there is also the issue of not feeling I would be able to support us. I am also worried that one or more of my 3 dc may decide to go and live with him full time...