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silence is the word

(3 Posts)
azzurra Sun 16-Oct-16 22:47:56

Married for too long and the relationship has been slowly deteriorating. No fights or arguments. Nothing only silence. I have given up long ago trying to have a dialogue. Every time I tried it turned into a monologue. Sex or the lack of it has constantly been the massive elephant in the room. Nothing done about that either. Silence is the code of behaviour. We have a son, we both dot on. We keep up the dialogue for him and about him. As soon as he goes to bed, it is as if the show is over, the curtains are down, each of us withdraws in different worlds we do not share. Once upon a time I might have been in love with this man. It seems so long ago I am not sure whether it was ever true. I wanted to grow old with him. I do not think it will happen. We do not share anything other than our son. Once he goes, we will be strangers who happen to share a house. We already are. I have friends but I do not talk to them. I have never have. Opening up is recognising failure for no return. I know for a fact that nothing will change. I do not hate him or detest him badly enough to leave, I am no in an abusive relationship. I am not in a relationship really. I would not leave for the sake of my son and because I am lazy and because I know life would not be any better anyway. Sad. I know. I hope my son will be luckier in his relationships when he grows up.

jeaux90 Sun 16-Oct-16 23:13:51

Bloody hell that is so sad! Don't you think you and your husband deserve love and happiness with other people? It sounds like you could co-parent really well!!

You have one life, live it!


Dadaist Sun 16-Oct-16 23:36:58

Oh dear OP - you've written this like a message in bottle - and it really is very sad. But you really do have options and you owe it to yourself to explore them. It would be good to get a little more context to offer advice... How long have you been together and how long married.? How old is DC?
I have seen two relationships amongst close friends/family go down exactly this road that you describe.
I'll guess that you had a child and then 'Sex or the lack of it has constantly been the massive elephant in the room.' Yes the end of sex is a relationship killer, but it paralyses before it finally kills. Was it you or DH that lost interest? It of often results from stored up resentments, feeling unsupported and having unmet needs on one or both sides.
BUT - don't underestimate the fact that, in spite of the sexless relationship and complete lack of intimacy there has been no arguments, moodiness, rage and anger, affairs, and all the usual relationship scenarios on MN posts. It does show that you both have some strength and stability and moral courage. It might mean too that you are both in so much pain that you don't see or feel the others and don't feel that you can wind back. I cant think either of you want to go on suffering in stoic silence - but you both think that you are suffering this for the sake of your DC. It's senseless suffering and it isn't for the best at all!
So you can't stay and sink further into this dreadful mire! You either have to find your way back and discover a different way forward together - or pull yourself out alone. What do you think OP?

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