How to get through to Ex's parents without going nuclear.

[Isetan]

To cut a long story short Ex has terminated contact with DD and a year on she's still understandably finding it difficult. She speaks to Ex's parents once a week and after a gap of five years, physical contact has recently restarted. They keep asking (twice in three months) if she can visit them in their village and stay overnight and I have refused, my reasoning being Ex lives with them (but according to them he won't be present if she visits) and I think staying in the village, in essentially her father's home, will be distressing for her and could be detrimental to her mental health. When Ex made the decision to terminate contact after 18 months of supervised Contact Centre visits, it triggered bad dreams and remembering of the DV she witnessed. She successfully underwent EDMR treatment for the reliving of the trauma and she has come a long way but regularly gets tearful about his absence.

Ex's parents aren't bad people and have shown a commitment to DD that is light years away from their appalling son but his mother seems to be in some weird denial about the situation and the impact it has on DD. I think deep down she blames me for his behaviour and subsequent decision to terminate contact with DD. I don't have a problem with her denial, it's her prerogative but she has in the past made promises with regards to DD and her son which I believe she never had any intention of keeping and which subsequently led to me terminating physical contact with DD for five years.

DD is very happy that physical contact has restarted (due to distance, they have seen her three times since a July) but I am getting frustrated of having to repeat myself as to why I will not let DD stay with them and shutting his mother down when she talks about her son's difficulties. It's like Groundhog Day with them and I don't know how long I can tolerate their refusal to accept that however hard they've had it, that DD has had it worse because she's a child.

So suggestions please, on how to shut them down, without going nuclear on their arses. I have worked damned hard on detaching from all the shit that their son has put me and DD through and I don't want to be kept being reminded of him.