Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

AIBU to feel slightly used? (Possibly too much info)

(8 Posts)
User7o873 Wed 05-Oct-16 10:22:02

I've name changed for this.
I'm not sure if I'm being unfair to be upset by this. This morning, my partner and I were in bed. He was asking me if I felt better today (I'd been a bit quiet the previous night) and I said that I thought the reason why was because I'd felt unattractive (bit of weight gain, he'd turned me down for sex a couple of days earlier and I felt he didn't like the fact that I hadn't shaved). He said of course I was attractive and asked how he could make me feel better. I said I was fine and we just lay there cuddling.
After a bit he pushed my top up and started kissing my breasts. Then he guided my hand down and started to make me wank him. I said something jokey like, 'is this to make me feel better then?' He said, 'is there anything you want me to do?' but not very enthusiastically and I said no. I wasn't in the mood at all, I was still bleeding a little from my period and we only had a couple of mins before we had to get up.
He carried on guiding my hand though I wasn't showing any enthusiasm. I was just lying there staring off at the wall, letting him do it. Then he started rubbing it against my stomach. That then progressed to him climbing onto me so he was straddling my chest, obviously planning for me to suck him off. At that point, I just felt really upset and I told him I needed to start getting up. For a second he didn't move so I said it again and he immediately got off me and I leapt up and left the room. I assumed he stayed in there to 'finish off' because it was a few mins before he went for his shower. He wasn't exactly friendly with me after that and he didn't mention me bolting from the room.
I don't know if I'm being irrational to feel bothered by this. On the one hand, I'd said I felt unattractive and I guess what he did was a way of confirming he found me attractive, but on the other, I just felt like an old sock he wanted to wank into.
We do usually have sex on my period and he isn't at all bothered by blood but it just seemed like he had no interest in touching me down there (before I'd said I didn't want him to do anything for me) and was determined to get his rocks off, and the fact I was just lying there, passively allowing him to do all this stuff but giving no signs I was enjoying it or even looking at him should have been enough to make him pause. I can't imagine making someone touch me and rubbing myself on them and then climbing onto their face if they really didn't seem in the mood and almost seemed like they 'weren't there'...
I'm not sure what I'm asking really. I know if I'd have said no at any point he'd have stopped and I don't believe I was sexually assaulted or anything. Just wondering if other people would feel a bit miffed about it.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 05-Oct-16 10:52:15

I might feel miffed yes.

Then again I can see how he might have thought you were open to something. I generally feel that it is best to be completely clear about yes and no. When your actions are confusing, there is scope for confusion. You were "unenthusiastic" but kept doing the joint wanking action. You never actually said no, you told him you needed to get up, it took the second time for him to understand you meant no. And remember you started the conversation by complaining about him not wanting to have sex. Really the only reasonable response to that is to initiate sex.

I think I might have been quiet afterwards if I were him. I'd be embarrassed at being rejected by someone who had just declared a need for sex and was snuggling up against me. I'd be wondering if it was pay back. He might feel stupid about the stupid attempt at initiating a blow job too, like he realised in retrospect that it wasn't showing you how much he wants you, it was having the opposite effect. Cringe.

I guess it depends on whether he is normally OK sexually or not.

But based only on what you've written, I'd say you've confused him, put him in a no win situation and he's decided to bugger off out quickly before he makes things even worse.

Tarttlet Wed 05-Oct-16 11:11:49

I'd be feeling more than a bit miffed - he didn't seem care at all about your feelings or desires.

As for you not speaking up and also having been "a bit quiet the previous night", how's the communication in your relationship generally? Do you feel comfortable telling him how you're feeling and what you want, both sexually and in general?

PoldarksBreeches Wed 05-Oct-16 11:13:35

That sounds like some very shit and one sided sex. I'd be miffed too.

ageingrunner Wed 05-Oct-16 11:17:48

I would have felt like he didn't really want to know how I was feeling. He just asked that as a precursor to getting a wank. He ensured you'd find it more difficult to object by asking about your feelings first to make it look like he cared.

Branleuse Wed 05-Oct-16 11:21:14

sounds like he took a bit longer than ideal to realise you werent into it, but he did stop. Sounds like it was a shit attempt at sex that went a bit wrong.

Happens sometimes

Happybunny19 Wed 05-Oct-16 11:21:24

I agree with Runrabbit on this, I don't think he intended anything offensive and just misread the signs. I'm sure he was quiet because of embarrassment. Have a chat later and clear the air, I don't think it should be a big issue.

User7o873 Wed 05-Oct-16 11:50:45

Thank you all for the replies.
He generally is lovely and extremely considerate -I think that's why I was upset. It just seemed out of character for him to, firstly, be so hellbent on getting his own needs met, and, secondly, to not seem to care what I was feeling. I think he possibly started off trying to reassure me and then his urges took over...

Tarttlet, I think our communication is generally good, but ocassionally I'll know I'm upset by or uncomfortable with something and it takes me a while to work out exactly what has upset me and put it in context and then work out if I'm being reasonable, so I'll go quiet while I figure it all out. I should perhaps just blurt things out more instead of writing a mini essay on it in my head.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now