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Old infidelity

(5 Posts)
Forgiveorforget Mon 03-Oct-16 16:55:10

Dh just told me that before we were married he cheated with his ex. It was nearly 5 years ago, we had been together about a year, he received oral sex from her on a night out, I don't have anymore details yet but he swears that was it. Last week he confessed he had kissed her after we had been together 3 months but it meant nothing, I'm not sure if this was a separate incident or the actual truth and he was changing the details of the kiss incident to make it seem less bad. We were not married but had lived together for some months and discussed marriage/children in the future.

We have been married 2 ½ years, we have a nearly 2 year old dd. If you asked me this morning if we had a good and happy marriage I would have said yes. I have always thought I could never imagine him cheating. I always thought he was an honest person but just last week he was lying to my face, he swore it was just a drunken kiss before we were serious, now I find out he lied. What do I do now? I don't feel this is marriage ending but I am so angry he lied to me and kept such a big secret for so long.

He was not married to ex but they were together on/off for 8 years. They have mutual friends so I have met her a few times at weddings/birthdays etc, she has acted all pally pally to me and probably been laughing behind my back.

I didn't know what to say to dh so I just walked out, now I'm sat in costa trying not to cry.

flapjackfairy Mon 03-Oct-16 18:03:34

Oh that is so hard for you to deal with. It is the deceit that is the worst part of it in my opinion and it will take time to recover and for him to regain your trust in him.

It is ok to cry , be angry etc and dont feel you have to just get over it. It seems from what you say that he has been faithful since you married so that is a start. Wht did he tell you? Is he remorseful etc? He needs to do all he can to rebuild your trust. Counselling would be a good start.

I totally get the humiliation of having to see her but it is misplaced as you have done nothing wrong.

Hold your head high and i really hope you can work through this. Good luck

SandyY2K Mon 03-Oct-16 18:24:41

What made him tell you after so long?

metznersdream Mon 03-Oct-16 19:33:16

OP I wanted to reply to this because I have been in the same position as your husband myself, kind of. I cheated on my husband with another guy before we were married at an earlier stage of our relationship. It was with a friend of his and it only happened once although for a time my feelings about things were very confused.

It happened at time that was difficult for me and I was very vulnerable to any kind of attention and validation. It was a horrible, awful time for me and at the time I tried to break up with my partner out of sheer guilt and anxiety. I could never tell him what happened and he wouldn't let me go (who knows if he had known what I had done).

Similer to you this guy I cheated on my husband with is still apart of our lives some 12 years after the event. I tried to avoid him or ignore him for years but he doesn't seem too bothered about it and just keeps showing up so I have had to accept his presence. I don't hate him but I have no feeling for him at all other than feeling guilty.

I will never tell my husband what happened because it was a horrible mistake that I am ashamed of. At times I've wanted to tell him or been worried that his friend might say something but so far I hope that it never comes out.

I tell you this because people can do things like this, horrible things and regret them utterly and never do anything like it ever again. I love my husband so much, I know what I did was wrong and stupid, that I gambled with with best thing in my life.

Could it be that he has told you now because he fears someone else might say something? It could be that he has been suffering for years with the guilt but feeling that confessing wouldn't help.

The standard logic is that once a cheat always a cheat and that such a person can never be trusted but it isn't always true, I did it once and have lived with horrible shame and regret ever since and never did it again.

Listen to your husband and try to have even a little empathy for a very human failing. I'm not suggesting you be a doormat or put up with bad treatment but it might just have been a stupid error of judgement not to mention that he was with this women before you for 8 years which is bound to have been confusing for him.

I just think this doesn't mean hes a right off or that all is lost.

Forgiveorforget Mon 03-Oct-16 20:49:54

flapjack I have cried, I just didn't want to cry in costa lol.

sandy he has been going through a stressful patch with work and elderly parents recently, he said he is not sure why he told me now but he has been feeling a lot of emotional turmoil generally and the guilt he has had over the last few years was getting too much. He said he didn't want to leave it 10, 15, 20 years etc before telling me. I suspect he has not told me before out of cowardice and being afraid I would end things, maybe we have got to a point where he is more confident that I wouldn't?

metzners We have talked this evening and I have more details, I do believe it was a one off mistake, he said it made him realise I was what he wanted (after the incident she contacted him for a few days after asking to get back together). I can sort of forgive the actual mistake more than the fact he has kept this huge secret from me for so many years and lied to my face only last week about it. I do believe he has now told me the truth. He is generally an honest person, he doesn't sneak around or tell little white lies. They had been broken up a year when I met him, she had met someone more quickly and had a child with them but this had recently ended at the time of incident with dh.

He is very remorseful and I believe genuinely so. I am just so shocked, he told me it happened in our bed which makes me want to burn it, how silly?!

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