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Starting dating again - it's been a while!

(28 Posts)
Hyggeligt Sat 01-Oct-16 12:36:11

I have joined the dating thread, but was hoping that there may be some words of wisdom and advice that some of you may be able to offer...
I divorced 2 years ago, am a single parent and work full time - so don't have heaps of time to myself, but am wanting to start dating again, and using online dating( real life doesn't really throw me any opportunities to meet single guys)
I would really appreciate any advice or tips on how to set up a 'good' profile, what to avoid and what red flags to look for in others... It's all a bit daunting...

Emmageddon Sat 01-Oct-16 13:53:51

Oh good luck! I would recommend a paid for dating site rather than a freebie like POF which seems to attract men just looking for sex fun rather than a relationship. That being said, I know a few people who have met their partners through POF.

Always arrange to meet within a few days rather than weeks, you may have chemistry through the written word, but absolutely none in real life, so don't waste time texting/emailing.

Always meet in a public place and for something non-threatening like coffee, mid-morning, rather than dinner/drinks/cocktails or the theatre.

Avoid profiles with no photos!!

Pollyanna9 Sat 01-Oct-16 13:57:22

What 'dating thread'?

I'd set myself the goal of finding a nice fella before my 50th birthday at the end of November but I don't think I'm going to achieve that.

I'd get myself on Datemysinglefriend - but I haven't got any friends to put me on there!!!!!

Emmageddon Sat 01-Oct-16 14:01:59

I'll be your friend Pollyanna ;) Give me some basics and I'll set you up a profile that will have you a fella before the end of October, let alone November!!

Pollyanna9 Sat 01-Oct-16 14:24:49

Now that's confidence Emmageddon!!! Thank you, I've not heard the words I'll be your friend for a long time!!!!!

How does it work then on mysinglefriend, do you post the description of the friend first or do they set up an account first, how does it work - I must say I looked briefly at it but wasn't a lot more understanding of how it worked after that.

In recent weeks I've stopped running my 5ks 2 / 3 times a week and been eating like a starved woman so I don't feel I'm looking my best but hey ho, might be worth giving it a go.

I was married 16 years, together with dear XH for 20 total, then a DP after that who I was with for 5 and that was less than successful. On the one hand I'm not sure how it would go, DD (14) glares at me when I broach the subject but to be fair to her, her experience of men is confined to of course her dad (who has had contact with her only for 4 hours since Easter because he can't be arsed) and DP who was somewhat unpredictable but she did love him. What would be great (although I'm not looking for a father for my kids) is if the person was a really nice person because she's effectively lost her dad and if they were the right person on that score, that would be such a positive thing for her, and it would be for DS too who unfortunately has this weak-willed dad as an example of what it is to be a father and I wouldn't mind a better influence for him as well (as a side issue to what I want of course - I'm looking for either 50 Cent or Dwayne Johnson so let me know if you see anyone like him!!!).

1DAD2KIDS Sat 01-Oct-16 14:36:35

First of all good luck. It is difficult as a full time working lone parent. I have dabbled with a bit of dating in the past but it has proved impossible find the time. My ex has the kids every second weekend (one of these two weekends a month she has them at my house as she lives a long distance away). So it is also hard to get the house to my self, well one weekend a month really. My working hours are very unsociable and I work 2 out of 3 Saturdays. Plus in my free time (days off, once kids in bed) there is always housework, laundry etc. plus I want to a lot of my small free time playing with the kids. Also it seems to me as a male most women my age (32) also are single parents. It has often proved difficult to find matching child free time when both are single parents. And if they are not single parents they often want kids down the line, which I don't (happy with my two). So personally speaking there is not enough hours in the day to truly commit to someone.

Sorry to sound pessimistic I am sure you can do it and good luck to you. Personally I have found a halfway house in more causal dating. I have met some great people who likewise want the company of the opposite sex without commitment because simply neither have the time to commit.

I suppose a lot depends on the age of your children (mine 18 months and a 5 year old)? If they are older teens and a lot more independent then this makes it easier. I don't want to be alone forever, but I figure one step at a time. Once my children are a lot older I should be at liberty to date properly and form a beautiful relationship.

Emmageddon Sat 01-Oct-16 15:01:13

Pollyanna on MSF, you join up, and give them my email address. I then answer 5 quick-fire questions about you, write a description and upload a photo of you (that bit is optional). I've just googled and it's £5 for 5 days - if you fancy gambling a fiver?
Alternatively there's POF and OKCupid which are free.
Your 14yo is going to be sniffy whatever you do - even if you brought Brad Pitt home (and he is back on the market now grin )

Hyggeligt Sat 01-Oct-16 15:11:19

Thanks for your advice and replies
My daughter is 12 - turning 13 in December and I have a free weekend every-other weekend. I know what you mean though 1DAD, there's soooo much to be done in free time - I teach full time so often work in the evenings too. You didn't sound too pessimistic, more realistic which is helpful to hear.
Pollyanna, my daughter gave me the glare too!! She then agreed it would be nice for me to meet someone, but gave me the caveat that he should not have a beard, and would preferably have a teenage daughter as she has always wanted an older sister .... I was with my husband for 16 years - it seems a lifetime ago that I had to navigate this dating malarky
Good suggestions Emmageddon, what sites would you recommend?
(you may end up with countless requests for being a friend on 'my single friend!!)

Pollyanna9 Sat 01-Oct-16 15:11:44

1DAD2KIDS - I know what you mean and you make many good points. I have to say, statistically speaking the chances of finding someone a. near enough b. who I fancy c. who's also nice d. who could indeed be a dad to my children in some of the ways that are important, are probably slim to none. Thankfully my DC are 17 and 14 but I have NO free weekends any more and haven't had since probably 2013/2014 as DD never goes for contact any more.

When I was divorcing, the casual thing was (for the very first time in my entire life) something that I did and I had a lot of fun doing it. But I don't look like I did back then (!) and I'm also not interested in that. I want someone to go into my dotage with and not feel the urge to place them under the patio grin.

Ok, Emmageddon, I'm keen to do it and will have a think about it tonight, thank you. I'd just feel with POF etc, might see my ex on there and I don't particularly want to digitally bump into him. I actually think DD would be absolutely made up if a nice man was here and had time for her - but I understand her reticence. Nah, you can keep Brad, he looks too gnarly these days :-).

VIX1307 Sat 01-Oct-16 15:12:11

Bumble is geared towards women making the first move and be in control by being the only ones that can initiate a conversation. Also "happen" is based on your current location so brings up profiles of guys close by and within a small range and tells you where abouts you crossed paths with each other which is quite fun smile

Pollyanna9 Sat 01-Oct-16 15:17:36

Thanks VIX1307 - I did try not Match the other one (sorry, my senior memory loss thing has kicked in!) and there were literally only 5 guys in my area so I thought bugger this, I'm not pay for three months subscription for that. I'll have a look at these though, thanks for the tip.

1DAD2KIDS Sat 01-Oct-16 15:18:38

No beard? That don't sound fair as surely that rules out half the male population at the moment. Beards are very in these days.

Personally I like the questionnaire part of OKCupid. It gives you a clear instant incite into a persons core beliefs etc with a compatability score. Great for initial filtering of compatibility. Stops a fair bit of time wasting. The down side is not as many people use OKCupid so the selection is not as good.

Pollyanna9 Sat 01-Oct-16 15:29:48

No I didn't say no to beards, I said no to Brad Pitt?!

I don't mind a nice beard, think it's quite impressive to be able to keep one's facial hair under such control.

1DAD2KIDS Sat 01-Oct-16 15:44:34

Sorry that was in response to Hyggeligt daughter's caveat

Emmageddon Sat 01-Oct-16 16:23:41

I wouldn't touch Brad Pitt with a bargepole, I have enough trouble with my own offspring, let alone six stepkids!

The dating site I've heard the worst reviews of is e-harmony. A friend of mine filled out all their questionnaires and then got told they couldn't match him with anyone! What a blow to anyone's ego. He's got a girlfriend now though, he met her through work. I think the 'can't match you' statement was due to his location perhaps? He doesn't live anywhere near a major city.

Has anyone ever tried speed-dating?

Pollyanna9 Sat 01-Oct-16 16:42:58

Yes, that's it, it was eHarmony - 4 or 5 men in my location. Rubbish selection box that! I wouldn't mind having a step child if it was the right man but I'd want them of similar ages to my children - I can't go back to toddlers and primary years when I've already done it once!!

I wondered about the Match speed dating but then, I like the written word first and back when I was dating in 2007, you could have a good old email exchange and some fine repartee - now these guys all want to talk to you quickly and for me, for whatever reason (I know I'm weird but in concert with Fearne Cotton, I actually HATE using the telephone!) I don't like that. And I think that's because they want to progress it 'to the next stage' - or they're incapable of stringing together a sentence in its written form!

I might actually give speed dating a go but if I had to join Match to do it then no thanks. I've got to say, 2007 sites like that were really good. They aren't any more. I met my last partner through Girls Date for Free and unfortunately that would be reason enough not to be able to recommend it, if its even still going strong!

Emmageddon Sat 01-Oct-16 16:52:22

A girl I work with is on POF and during the night shift at work, she shows me some of the messages she gets from potential suitors - some are cute, some are cringe and some are cock photos. Actual photos of their cocks. Why would anyone do that? These pics are from complete strangers by the way, not anyone she has messaged before. I felt very old and prudish. She thinks it's funny. I feel it's akin to being flashed at! shock

Pollyanna9 Sat 01-Oct-16 17:05:42

Ha ha - there's a woman in the US who did an art showing with all the cock pictures she'd been sent! It's part of the crap of today's modern dating scene I'm sorry to say.

Plus, if it's one of those sites where they can wink at you and you don't immediately reply or you are chatting with someone and then you go to bed, look forward to waking up to a torrent of abuse for 'ignoring' them.

You see now why I gave up on the internet dating thing Emmageddon.

Afterthestorm Sat 01-Oct-16 17:22:48

Sorry to interfere but just wanted to query what Emma had said re cock shots on pof from somebody you have never spoken to before. I am on pof and can send private photos to men but men are not allowed/able to send photos to women, so I don't know how she received those. Sounds more like they had gone off pof and onto whatsapp or Kik etc, which some men take as permission to send what they like..

I didn't want somebody who was thinking of joining Pof being put off by it, I have found it ok and much better than OKcupid where I seem to attract 18 year olds from Cairo. Mind you, one did ask me to marry him in his first message this week which was a first? 😂

1DAD2KIDS Sat 01-Oct-16 17:26:43

It supprises me how differnet the OLD experience is women than men. I have talked to a few women about OLD. I could believe the sheer volume of cock pics and 'hey, wana fuck?' I always thought yer there would be a couple of strange ones, but no loads. From my little toe dip into POF not once did I get a pick of lady bits sent unsolicited.

I am really no prude and very comfortable with my body but never would I send a stranger a message with a photo cock. What is wrong with these people? There should be a system on OLD that automatically tells the mothers of these cock perpetrators every time they do this.

Emmageddon Sat 01-Oct-16 17:29:09

I'm not sure how she got the cock shots Afterthestorm - she has the POF app on her phone. Maybe if she accepts their flirt or whatever it's called, that opens another channel for the rude stuff? So the cock shots aren't unsolicited (in the man's view). I shall ask her.

Emmageddon Sat 01-Oct-16 17:32:26

There should be a system on OLD that automatically tells the mothers of these cock perpetrators every time they do this

That had me me crying with laughter 1DAD2KIDS

Brilliant way to stop the cocks. grin

Pollyanna9 Sat 01-Oct-16 17:41:13

A cock blocker!!! PMSL!!!

Oh dear. I've had two that stood out (pardon the terminology).

One from a black guy who was absolutely gorgeous. Stripper gorgeous. Because he was a stripper. It went half way down his leg. End of convo.

The other from a guy I did do the deed with several times. Possibly the only penis I've ever seen photographically or in RL that was actually a fine, attractive specimen.

1DAD2KIDS Sat 01-Oct-16 17:45:04

I can picture it now, little old ladies grabbing their fully grown sons by the earlobe and giving them a right telling off and a smack round the back of legs.

I think it could work

Hyggeligt Sat 01-Oct-16 18:11:06

I needed a laugh - thank you!

so, I bit the bullet and signed up to OK Cupid. AM already feeling overwhelmed and had an uber cheesy message about the fact that angels should not be on dating sites... hmm

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