2 years down the line......

[JellyBean31]

A little more than 2 years ago I posted a thread as I was considering leaving my marriage. All the replies I got after describing exH's behaviour was that I was in an EA relationship and I should run as fast as I could.

Obviously, I knew better...he wasn't that bad...there were good times....I didn't know if I still loved him...He was sorry and would change...these strangers over the internet couldn't possible understand what is going on in MY relationship!!!

So I ignored all the advice and gave him another chance the mask slipped after 3 months and I realised I didn't know better...he was that bad...there weren't good times....I didn't still love him... He wasn't sorry and would never change...these strangers over the internet absolutely understood what was going on in MY relationship!!! And I left him.

That was 2 years and 3 days ago and this week I filed my divorce petition. I can't say it has all been plain sailing (or likely to be over the next few months) but I can say it was the best decision I have ever made and send a HUGE "Thank You" to all the wise mumsnetters that took the time to read & reply to my numerous posts. I honestly don't think I would have been brave enough to leave without your support.

So for anyone reading this, who is on the cusp of leaving but like I did, thinks their relationship is different...it isn't and the reason everyone on here knows so much is that we have all been through it too.

Here's to the future

[fifipop185]

Well done you! Here's to the future, wishing you peace and joy!

[Dragongirl10]

l did not see your posts on your journey to freedom Jelly, but have read many other harrowing posts.

So CONGRATULATIONS ! for being so brave and please shout about it to the rooftops to encourage other women who feel trapped in a EA marriage to take the plunge.

I wish you all the very best for a bright future.

[Humblebee1]

That's a great post.
I am glad you figured things out.
Best wishes.

[TheNaze73]

Well done OP. What a lovely ending

[Lazymazy]

I know you replied to my post but - Yes this post is me ! It's how I feel.

Mumsnetters don't know him, me and our relationship . Time will tell.

I also think you need time between knowing it's over and accepting it's over. Maybe I'm still in that phase.

So pleased you are happier, your post is sending a huge positive message

[hangingoutattheendofmywick]

LOVELY!!!

[skyyequake]

SO SO HAPPY FOR YOU

I left my EA relationship (fortunately not married!) 10 days ago now thanks to the support on here...

He managed to isolate me from my friends, he even succeeded in isolating me from here for a number of months, but I came back and its honestly the best thing I ever did!

I've thanked people on my thread hundreds of times, but if you were on my thread and are reading this one THANK YOU

And thank you from my DD too, who doesn't know this yet, but you all helped me make her life infinitely better off!

[JellyBean31]

Fabulous news sky, congratulations be very proud of yourself and what you've done for your DC it's beverley easy

[skyyequake]

Thank you and congratulations to you too

[JellyBean31]

So less than 2 years after my euphoric post, I am floored with grief (wtf??)

My rational brain knows that I am being ridiculous, we've been separated 2 years, it's hardly a surprise that we're getting divorced but my emotions are all over the place.

I've sat in work crying all morning, thank god for a sympathetic (divorced) line manager and a job where I don't deal with the public face to face.

I feel like a failure and despite how awful things were, I hate that it has come to this.
I hate (for my DC) that the family home will have to be sold - I feel like it's all my fault
I hate that I still question if I could have done more
I hate that I wonder if I'll ever feel good enough for anyone else
I hate that after 2 years of distancing myself from stbxh I now have to instigate communication with him regarding the house

and of course I hate that I'm feeling all of these things.

[JellyBean31]

*2 weeks after my euphoric post

[hermione2016]

Completely understandable, the process of divorce has restarted the memories and with then comes the emotions.Ending a marriage is painful, the physical move of separating is one giant step but actually ending the marriage is another.

I'm in a similar position and today I'm sobbing at my desk, pretending I have a heavy cold.No one wants to end a marriage, especially if there are children.Ending the relationship is the right thing to do for me but I feel enormous sadness for my children.

On the divorce board we have a support post as sadly many of us going through the same thing.

I think you have to let the feelings come, then do something positive like go for a walk in pleasant surroundings.Know that the feelings are temporary and you will get back to a steady state.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Absolutely.
When you finally hit that button to end it properly, it hits you like a truck.
I've failed myself, I've failed my DC, I've failed him, I've failed my family... blah blah blah...
You can't help it.
But.... this too shall pass.
You haven't failed in anything.
You have in fact, excelled! In saving yourself and your DC from an abusive and miserable life.
It will take a while to sink in but it will.
I still get teary every now and again when I think about my old life.
It's only natural. And that was 6+ years ago now!!
I know I'm happier than I was. With a lovely bloke the polar opposite to my ExH but you do still think about it on the odd occasion.
Get your family and friends to rally round again and help support you through this bit.
Once this is over and you aren't tied to him at all anymore, it's an odd feeling of freedom, but you will get it.
Give it time!

[comingintomyown]

Time is your friend OP. It amazed me how many years it took to be totally unaffected by my XH but I never held back my emotions always let it out

[JellyBean31]

Thanks for your replies... So I'm normal? What a relief, I've felt like I'm losing the plot completely. I've had a nice dinner with DS1 and managed to hold back the tears till the end of the Bake Off!!

Let the emotions come? That's were I usually struggle... Not over the past few days though, my emotionally detached ice queen reputation will be shot to ribbons!

Seriously thank you for replying and sharing, once again you've helped me enormously