Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Dealing with myself when I unnecessarily stew on things - how to change?

(9 Posts)
ShotsFired Fri 30-Sep-16 13:14:46

I am pretty highly strung. And when I take offence (which can be for some really, really stupid things), I stew on it for AGES - hours, if not days.

I hate it, but I find myself almost paralysed by it. All I want to do is forgive/forget/move on/have cuddles, but I just can't until I have put myself though an "appropriate" period of suffering and feeling shit. The duration is according to how much I feel I need to beat myself up.

(I'm pretty sure that this "self-flagellation" boils down to how conflict was dealt with in my childhood, so its a pretty ingrained habit I am trying to undo.)

My poor BF has to put up with some outrageous moods over ridiculous things but even though he loves me and has the patience of a saint, even saints will eventually run out! And this causes an even bigger vicious circle of worry and stress.

Any advice/experience/ideas?

RunRabbitRunRabbit Fri 30-Sep-16 13:29:28

Have you sought professional help yet?

TheNaze73 Fri 30-Sep-16 13:53:33

I subscribe to run-rabbits point of view.

I had an ex like that and it's impossible to deal with

ShotsFired Fri 30-Sep-16 14:55:44

I'm honestly not trying to sound disingenuous, but I'm not really clear what professional help I could get; or what it would do?

Dieu Fri 30-Sep-16 15:01:20

CBT would help break the negative thought patterns that have become ingrained over the years.
You're right, in that this is how you would have seen things dealt with in childhood.
Good luck, and good on you for having the self-awareness to recognise that there's a problem. The next step will be doing something about it.

PastoralCare Fri 30-Sep-16 17:29:10

Agreed with god aka "Dieu"

What you can do on your own is to immediately move on to something you enjoy.

It could be the gym, cinema, call friends, whatever you can to prevent you from fuming and instead focus your mind on something you like doing.

If you do this from now on, ever time you feel the wave of resentment coming, then you might be able to curb it.

BakeOffBiscuits Fri 30-Sep-16 17:41:36

I used to be the same when I first married dh. We'd have an argument and I would feel anxious, annoyed for hours and hours. Dh on the other hand is back to normal within about 2 minuteshmm

I've learnt to take myself away from the argument as it will all be forgotten by tomorrow or the day after so I try to think about something else. I also ask dh to give me a bit of space as I want to calm down on my own.

I also remind myself that I do love him and he loves me so I should stop being a silly arsegrin.

Atenco Fri 30-Sep-16 18:47:00

Not necessarily the same, but when I was young I had a summer job in a laundry that was frankly the most mindless job I ever had. So if I had minor argument with my bf at breakfast I would stew on it all day long, whereas his job was very interesting and he'd have totally forgotten that there had been a problem.

corythatwas Fri 30-Sep-16 19:20:16

Another vote for CBT. Basically, it's a series of techniques for distracting your mind so you are not dwelling on thoughts that harm you. My dd has used it as a pain-controlling technique; I use it for work-related stress.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now