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Feeling very distant from DH - it's almost awkward

(19 Posts)
ElsaMars Wed 28-Sep-16 20:17:33

I don't know where to start. I'm terrified of writing this down really.

DH and I have become increasingly distant, we barely touch. DH doesnt really try anymore and it feels like we're housemates.

I had a miscarriage a month ago and feel like I'm coping OK but this awkwardness is horrible. I suppose it's been around since before then but I can't put my finger on when it got worse. I have depression and I'm not a good talker, in fact I find it very hard. I want to bring up the problem but I just can't. I keep thinking that I don't love him anymore but I'm confused and unsure if that's the truth. I expect I'm being very cold towards him and I am quite snappy. No wonder the poor man has, I suppose given up on me.

I feel like my heart races whenever I think about it as it never ends well in my head I.e separation and I just feel so sick. Regretfully not about lost love but fear for my future and poor DD who adores her Daddy.

That last bit was so hard to write sad

I don't know what to do, I never expected this, we were a great couple who were comfortable and happy but its all changed. I almost will him to have an affair so I don't have to say anything. I'm depressed,so is this that talking? I just don't know. Sorry for rambling, I'm scared and horrified with myself. Help.

ImperialBlether Wed 28-Sep-16 20:19:21

Is there any chance he's having an affair, OP? I know it's a really difficult question, but that shutting off is something that does happen them. If not, then what do you think would happen if you talked about it?

ElsaMars Wed 28-Sep-16 20:26:33

I could be wrong I know but I don't think he would. He's a loyal man and I do trust him in that respect. I honestly wouldn't blame him though, I've been a distant, snappy, vacant person who is on my phone all the time unless DD is around - and then it feels like we both put on a show for her benefit. I feel really sick now, like I'm opening a can of worms.

ElsaMars Wed 28-Sep-16 20:34:36

I think if I talked about it I would have no idea how to broach it or what to do after I had. If he thinks everything is fine and dandy, he'll be shocked and upset.
When I get like this it's like I physically can't say the words.

We're obviously not a close couple at all. We've been together nearly 15 years as well.

seminakedinsomebodyelsesroom Wed 28-Sep-16 20:42:03

I form think I can help but I wanted to say I think I know exactly what you mean and how you feel. I could have written what you wrote.

I so sorry you feel this way. It's an awful place to be.

TheNaze73 Wed 28-Sep-16 20:57:47

Do you have s hidden anger issue, that makes you treat him like that?

ElsaMars Wed 28-Sep-16 21:01:23

Semi, feels like I'm going a bit mad, horrible isn't it?

If I see a happy couple on tv, I'm jealous and think ' that's not me'. I guess it was good in the past because this sort of thing never entered my head. Just don't know wtf to do. I want to collapse and admit defeat but I have a lot on, so I have to hold on to sanity.

The worst thing is, you can't confide in a rl person can you? You just can't.

ElsaMars Wed 28-Sep-16 21:04:57

Guess I do TheNaze. I'm noticing it more and more. It's not his fault. He's a great husband and a good man. It's like I'm angry at him for all the things I'm angry about (most of which I can't grasp myself - apart from about the miscarriage) I can't even say I have resentment about chores or anything, he does loads. I'm at a loss , if we didn't have DD I would tell him to find someone better.

user1471470055 Wed 28-Sep-16 21:11:14

OP - not talking to him will not help anything. Relationships still change and evolve in one direction or another and you can't preserve this sense of limbo and pretence for another ten years.
I hear your anxiety - but for what it's worth - drifting apart is so common and so is doing something about it. Are you worried that you don't want to try? Is that what makes you reluctant to say anything? If so then you might need to see first if there are any small steps you could make that could open the door to a better relationship. Good luck.

Steamgirl Wed 28-Sep-16 21:15:32

OP you sound as if you need counselling to sort your feelings out after the miscarriage, either together or on your own might help. flowers

ElsaMars Wed 28-Sep-16 21:25:55

I think I'm worried about it spiralling. I'm also worried about getting a bit drunk to say something, then rambling/crying.

I do need help. Have had counselling before not related to this but I lose the momentum once it's over.

Did think about having secret counselling on my own.

I think - I'll try to be more patient and nice to him when he's not here and then when he is, I'm just a cold, moody bitch.

wantingahappyending Wed 28-Sep-16 22:01:35

I think you definitely should get counselling op. You sound like you are depressed, which would explain why you are moody with your dh and why you are losing your attachment to him.
I would see your doctor asap to see what counselling is available but also speak to your husband so he can support you and so that you can try to work through your feelings together m. Hiding all this from him will only push you further away from him.
Good luck

AnotherEmma Wed 28-Sep-16 22:10:59

I've had depression and I can relate to pretty much everything you're saying. I think it's very likely that it's just the depression talking and if you felt better you would be completely sure that you love him and want to stay together. I think the anger comes from generally feeling shit and trying to find reasons for the way you feel.

Please get help for your depression. Go and see your GP. Ask about CBT (you can ever self-refer in my area). Consider anti depressants. Depression is an illness, a chemical imbalance in the brain, and it needs to be treated just as much as any other illness.

Please also consider telling your husband that you think you're depressed. Even if he doesn't know exactly what to say or do (mine rarely does!) he will probably do his best to be supportive. He probably has an idea you're struggling and will be relieved when you confirm it.

You've been brave enough to post here, now you just need to keep being brave one step at a time, and you will start to feel better.


AnotherEmma Wed 28-Sep-16 22:18:29

Oh I forgot to write the most important thing I wanted to say!

Do not make any big decisions when you're depressed. In your case that means not trying to decide whether to continue or end your relationship. FWIW I think it's just the depression talking and once you feel better you won't consider ending it. But if you still feel conflicted even after the depression has lifted, then you can address it.

Years ago I was feeling depressed and confused about my life and told my DH (who wasn't DH at the time) that I wasn't sure about our relationship. I will never forget how much he sobbed and how awful I felt for hurting him, how sure that I'd said something completely stupid and how much I wished I could take it back. Of course we lived to tell the tale (and get married years later) but it has stopped me from sharing those thoughts with him during moments of depression since then.

WhisperingWind Wed 28-Sep-16 22:26:09


Depression and a miscarriage, blimey OP you're going through a lot. It's no wonder you don't have much to give to your DP at the moment. From what you've written it sounds like you are pushing him away for the easy option. You've been together 15 years, that's worth something, and it's OK to go through a rocky patch you know. I can't imagine many couples smoothly sailing through what you are going through.

If you can't talk to him just now maybe find the strength to tell him just that: "I'm struggling, I don't have the strength to talk about it now, bear with me."

From what you've said he's a good man and partner. Take your time to process what you're going through being kind to yourself and him. Treat him as you would a good friend for now. Once you're feeling stronger I believe you could feel more positive about your relationship. Just let him know there's hope, you say he's given up on you, he may think you've given up on him. It would be dreadful for your family to breakdown over lack of communication. A small amount could be enough to see you through this dark time.

I'm sorry about your miscarriage.

ElsaMars Thu 29-Sep-16 07:41:25

Thanks Another and Whispering. I really appreciate your comments and they have helped. I really liked ' treat him like a good friend' I will try this. He doesn't deserve not to be.

I've been off an on ADs for a few years, I find them good but a bit 'numbing' and I've managed to stay off them a few months. If it gets any worse I'll definitely start again. I hate that this imbalance in my brain controls me.

Another, you're right about not making big decisions while depressed and I do think I would regret any repercussions. I seem to be impulsive when in a depressive mode, so I need to curb this.

I don't know how to play being nice - if I kissed and cuddled him, he'd wonder what was going on! Sex is an issue too because I loathe my body. Sigh.

ElsaMars Thu 29-Sep-16 07:43:10

Wanting, thank you too. Am planning to see Docs soon about counselling but they try to push you to group cbt which I'm not keen on - have done before.

AnotherEmma Thu 29-Sep-16 07:51:51

You're welcome, glad you found our comments helpful smile

If you're not keen on anti-depressants or group CBT, and individual CBT isn't an option, can I suggest you look into mindfulness - there is research to show that the MBCT programme is very effective for treating depression. There is a book called "the mindful way through depression". If your depression is moderate or severe, I think you will probably still need anti-depressants (at least short term) and/or counselling, but mindfulness might help too.

I also feel shit about my body sometimes and exercise helps - not to lose weight (I eat too much for that!) but to feel better in my skin.

DoubleCarrick Thu 29-Sep-16 07:56:35

Your post takes me back to my mc.

We got married a couple of months after the mc but the following 6 months were hellish. We both really struggled to cope with it, both together and individually.

We decided to pay for some joint therapy together and I'm so glad we did. we practically just ate rice and beans to afford it

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