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This morning I realised...(3 Posts)
Background: DP of couple of years and I split for various reasons. For me it was his tendency to become verbally abusive when drunk (regularly), to go AWOL when drunk, to spend all his money and generally not take responsibility, to go back on his word (from the huge - "I'm planning to propose and it'll be soon" - to the serious - "don't worry I've found a flat for us, it's sorted" or "if you pay for this holiday now I'll pay you back when I'm paid on Friday" - to the silly - "don't throw those away I'll fix them", then things that mean a lot to me like quitting smoking). He's done some shitty things too like lie, crash my car drunk, text my Father abuse about me when he was - you guessed it - drunk and angry. Then there's the snappiness, being proud of how stubborn he is and last but not least his total disinterest in sex that made me feel ugly, fat, invisible.
He has many good points too, not least that he can be the most wonderful creature, we laugh and sing songs and have so many in jokes, he's very supportive of my career and has always done the majority of the housework and laundry. He's smart and good at his job. He has been my best friend and I feel like I'm losing a huge piece of me. I'm sure he would have many complaints about me too, but we have ironically spent the last three weeks, as we reach the end of our current tenancy then go our separate ways, getting on better than ever. I've been feeling so, so sad that it might be over and considering rebuilding while we live apart. I've cried a lot and wished things were different as he has been so so lovely.
Until this morning.
Last night he came in grouchy and snappy and generally trying to pick a fight, which I ignored. This morning it transpires he hasn't paid his half of the rent and still owes me £180 from a recent holiday. He claims to have neither and its me who will be stung because the deposit is all mine. Rather than apologise and say he will pay me back, he will probably go out and spend his money on alcohol, not repaying debts this weekend.
He did his best attempt to undermine the fact he promised to pay me back for half the holiday this morning with "well I paid for X then and Y then", despite not paying a penny back for a group holiday I covered him for. It's not that I can't afford it - it's the principle and being lied to and taken for granted and having my generosity abused.
Anyway, I left for work after being snapped at and he apologised half heartedly via text,
whining that he's skint and has nowhere to live and how on earth can I be stressed as I'm not homeless (because I'm proactive). I told him to stop playing stress top trumps, muted the chat, felt that familiar sickness of anxiety and sadness, started to cry on the train... But then had the best realisation: his grumpiness, self obsessed petty nature and commitment to breaking any promise ever made while simultaneously blaming me for everything and calling me every cruel name he can muster- are NO LONGER MY PROBLEM 😂.
Now if only I could get that money back.
Thanks for reading my essay. I intend to read it back every time I feel sad that it is over.
Have a lovely day everyone!
You too OP. Copy your post and re-read it.
Of course the good things can come to mind when a relationship finishes and it's often when the pressure is off knowing that the end is nigh that you both relax and when days go by smoothly, a thought enters your head:
Why can't we get on like this all the time? Maybe there's something worth salvaging!
But it's transient because he's actually still only considering his own comfort and security and certainly in no rush to pay you back. So as well as being a bully and liar with a booze habit and casual attitude to debt which outweigh his knack for housework and the ability to spout right supportive stuff when you need it, he gets cold and hostile and resents you moving on. He couldn't keep up the facade.
That is so, so insightful. Exactly right. Thank you.
He's now claiming he never wanted to go on holiday anyway (he did) and playing the whole woe is me "you won't have to put up with me much longer" crap.
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