Can you help my mum?

[Usernameinvalid16]

This is a bit of a long one sorry in advance and thank you if you make it to the end.

My parents have been married for 25 years. They met when my dm was newly divorced with 2 children (just moved into a new house) apparantly things were ok, he left the army, gained a career and was able to support my dm and her dc. My dm is profoundly deaf. He learned how to sign. They got married and went on to have 2 more dc.

Fast forward 17 years and my older sibling (dms 1st born) moved out. As far as i'm aware his behaviour drove her away, i don't know what he done as no one has told me, just that he took something way too far and that was that. They do not talk and haven't since the day she moved out. My other sibling moved out the following year. Dm was depressed and heart broken but managed to move on and focus on her 2 dc that were still here. I think my dm blames my df for this but they never talk about it, it was the core of all arguments for a long time.

For years they had really bad arguments which would result in my df taking my brother and staying away all night (i couldn't understand why df didn't want to take me) and dm would be distraught and the police would be called (neighbour would help dm) but nothing ever happened.

For a while everything was ok, df had a steady income until he was in a bad accident (head injury). He hasn't had a full time job for 2 years (zero hour contract) and this worries dm so she does nag but its understandable, they have a mortgage and bills to pay and df doesn't seem to be doing anything about it.

Me and my dd live with my parents (can't afford to move out and help my parents) dm is fine with it, she loves having dd. Df makes comments all the time about my parenting skills (or lack of) tells me i'm terrible and if dd cries he asks 'did mummy hit you?' 'shes bad isn't she?'. He tells me he fells sorry for my dd but won't say why. (dds dad isn't involved)

Recently we went on holiday and he was constantly angry. Angry that he had to walk around a theme park (he chose to come) angry that we wanted to see the gothic castle (he sat in the car the whole time) we never moaned when he wanted to walk around war cemetries (not suitable for a small child) he moaned when dd cried out and told her to be quiet (shes 2 years old). Once we got back to our accommodation he flipped out and told us he's fed up of us speaking to him like shit (i was sticking up for my dd) and we were to pack our bags because we were leaving. We said no, don't be silly, we can sort this out. To which he replied that he was leaving without us (in the middle of france 2 hours away from paris with no transport or money) he left for all of 20 minutes, whilst we sat there and worried about how we were going to get home. He came back and was acting normal, trying to have a laugh and asked if everyone had calmed down

He constantly picks arguments with me and dm, walks out, comes back and acts normal and we are supposed to act like nothing ever happened.
I am fed up of his behaviour and so is my dm, she doesn't know what to do.

Can you help me to help my mum?
If you made it this far, thank you.

[Usernameinvalid16]

Forgot to add that he is controlling with money. He has a separate bank account from my dm (previously joint) he transfers her £100 a week. She pays for the mortgage out of her benefits and every other bill because it comes out of her account. He has access to the account (online) and monitors her spending.

[SlowJinn]

Leave and take mum with you.

[SlowJinn]

She's in her fifties presumably and has 30 or 40 years left. Let her make those years happy. It's not a good environment for your child either. A rented flat in a rubbish area is better than the situation you are in.

[abbsismyhero]

Whose name is the mortgage in?

[mummytime]

It is not somewhere I would want to be with a DC.
Will your mother leave him?
If so then you need to plan with her, and get legal advice.

If not then you need to plan how you are going to leave. Go and get advice from CAB, see what benefits you might be entitled to.

This is not a good place to be raising a child, her emotional health is at threat if nothing else.

[Usernameinvalid16]

Shared mortgage. She is in her late fifties. I have already told her that she doesn't have to worry if she came with me. I want her to be happy but she won't leave. She is completely dependant on him because he's made it that way.
The only thing she is worried about is losing her home.

[Usernameinvalid16]

I'm saving some money so that me and dd can leave.

[nicknameinvalid123]

What was the nature of his head injury-has he been left with brain damage?

Your first priority is your child-although your mum needs support whether she stays or leaves.

[nicknameinvalid123]

PS-is your mum ill-can she work?

[Usernameinvalid16]

nicknameinvalid123 i don't think he has been left with any lasting damage. The scans did show seizure markers, bad consussion, sudden onset of amnesia (he couldn't remember the past 24 hours) but he gradually got better, his memory improved (he forgets things sometimes but i think thats because he doesn't listen properly) he still can't remember what happened that day/night.
His moods switch a lot, from happy to angry in seconds and normally over something stupid e.g can you pick your shoes up off the floor.
I'm going to try and get me and dd out of here asap.

[Usernameinvalid16]

nicknameinvalid123 She claims dla or esa (contribution based).

[nicknameinvalid123]

Just thought a job would give her space from him and give her some independence and more confidence. Not possible if she's ill. Perhaps he should see his GP re mood swings after head injury.

[Rachcakes]

Is she dependant on him for communication? I'm thinking with you saying he learned sign language? Is there a way you could help her with other ways to communicate?

[Usernameinvalid16]

nicknameinvalid123 we have tried to get him to go to the doctor but he just brushes it off by saying he's fine.

Rachcakes i'm actually her carer so i help her with public outings. She finds it hard communicating with people who can't understand her. If she was in a shop and she couldn't find something she wouldn't ask for help she would leave it and we would both go back later in the day. She has some independance and will pop to the chemist to pick up her medication but thats only because the people who work there know who she is. If she really has to she will write down on a piece of paper what she needs or where she needs to go and that usually works. She knows sign language aswell (she was the one who taught us)

[nicknameinvalid123]

I'm very sorry I missed the sentence about your Mum being profoundly deaf. It makes it more complicated that you are her carer but your child is still your priority.

Does your Mum agree that she is in an abusive relationship? Would she meet women's aid with you just for advice?

I also wondered if she socialises with other deaf people without your Dad present In the end you have offered for her to come with you when you leave and she is competent t make decisions. You can only let her know that you are there if she needs you.

[Usernameinvalid16]

She does have one friend that she meets with once a month. She doesn't talk about her home life with her. She knows that her relationship isn't healthy but seems to think its a lot better than life with her ex husband. She says she wants to leave but i don't think she will, it will just be me and dd that will go.