I’m really struggling and I don't talk about this in real life. Too ashamed. I’ve never posted this online before either for fear he will find it, but I don’t think he knows about this site.
Long story short I was groomed by my ex when I was at school. He’d tell me I was ‘different’, ‘mature’, ‘special, ‘not like the others’, that he was the only one who understood me. Also told me not to tell anyone or he’d get into trouble. Physical abuse at school too which I didn’t remember until last year-I’d blocked it out and I am having enormous trouble coming to terms with it now. After I left school I continued to see him, we ended up in a relationship with him and had children too. Relationship was abusive but it’s only been recently that I realised exactly how much. Being so young and it being my first relationship I just thought it was normal.
I’ve been left with PTSD as a result. I can’t get it all out of my head, especially the sexual abuse, some of which I’m only just starting to remember (dissociation can be a very useful tool).
Part of me wonders if I’m overthinking it. Years and years of him blaming me and making excuses isn’t so easy to change.
What would you think if your partner:
Made you feel guilty for not having sex to the point of starving themselves? He used to tell me it was my fault, that ‘men needed sex like I need air’, that I didn’t understand how much he needed it, that it was a physical pain and was making him sick not to have it. I did give in sometimes. I honestly thought it was all my fault and that he was right. I tried to get him to wear protection once and he exploded, I honestly thought he was going to hurt me.
Other times he was very rough and left me bruised, bleeding, in pain but thinking it was just the way things went, or that there was something wrong with me. I’d mop up, cry where he couldn’t see. I never went to a doctor as at that stage I really didn’t see it for what it was. I have fragmented memories of his anger, of holding my wrists down, holding his hand on my head while I tried not to throw up, of me making him hurry up (he never knew this) so it would be over.
-When my baby was 3 months old he made me agree to him having sex with other women because I wasn't giving him enough. He made me feel so guilty for putting him through so much!
-He’d hit the roof if I spent anything he thought I shouldn’t. He’d be suicidal if we were low on money. I used to desperately try to top up the account so he wouldn’t see. He’d give me a certain amount of cash a week and that was it. I did have access to the accounts but it wasn’t worth his reaction using it. He always saw it as his money. We were always struggling for money even though he was on a good wage. He'd blame me but I know now he was spending it all on other women.
-Jekyl and Hyde personality. OK one minute, the next throwing things, kicking things, swearing or else cold, silent anger that had us walking on eggshells. Afterwards he’d act like it was me overreacting. He never hit me but sometimes I thought he might. He could be very kind, caring and gentle though.
-Threatened suicide constantly. I believed he was serious (I know now it’s a classic tactic)
-Would often tell me I overreacted when he said something nasty (such as the children will hate me) or that I ‘misinterpreted’ or ‘didn’t understand’ or often that it never even happened at all. I was left so confused and again, thinking maybe he was right even though I knew it had happened. He’d also say that ‘everyone gets angry sometimes’ and ‘this is just who I am.’ He’d get angry if the house wasn’t tidy enough or dinner wasn’t ready. He'd tell me to go into other people's houses and see how they treated their wives and then I'd have nothing to complain about. He'd say no one else he knew had a house as messy as ours. (it wasn't dirty or super messy, just usual child/young family mess)
He’d sit on the computer while I did dinner/bath/bed with the kids but get mad at me for not having things spick and span. It got to the point where I’d be trying to get the house ready rather than playing with the kids just to try and stop the anger when he came home from work. I’d also often put the kids to bed early so they wouldn’t be subjected to it. Then I’d get it for not having them up so he could see them.
-Many, many affairs. Some of which I found out about when we were together, some not til we split. He’d also not use protection and used the excuse that he ‘knew it was safe.’ He’d tell me these women ‘seduced him’ and that he wouldn’t have done it if we had more sex. Told me to ‘get over it’ or he’d leave. Always he was ‘sorry’ and ‘it will never happen again’. Incidentally he hates women and uses awful language to describe them.
-Very vindictive. If someone ‘crossed him’ he’d cut them off and make me do the same. I lost a lot of good friends. Those friends and family I did have he’d constantly try and tell me they were crazy, bad people, he’s make fun of them, tell me my family wasn’t normal to be so close. I’m still close to my family but there’s a lot they don’t know. Too ashamed to tell them.
-When I’d see my friends or family he’d be so jealous, berating me for talking about ‘personal business’ (eg anything to do with our relationship or any personal issues I had). I’d be so confused, thinking ‘isn’t that what friends talk about?’ He made me feel I was betraying him for talking to anyone but him.
-Scared the children to the point where they’d help me to calm him down. Threatened one when they were a baby.
There’;s a lot more but that covers the basics.
Tell me I’m not overreacting? That this is not normal in a relationship? Honestly I’m still trying to work it all out, accept it and try to understand that it wasn’t my fault. No matter how much I try I still have that voice saying ‘but if you’d done ABC then he wouldn’t have done XYZ.’ I have flashbacks, awful memories and nightmares, dissociation, anxiety…mostly people can’t tell but it’s unrelenting at times. And a huge amount of guilt over what I’ve put my children through. They still have to see him and still bear the brunt of it all from him. On the surface he’s a lovely, funny, charismatic guy. Everyone seems to love him, women fall over him, he’s in a super respectable position and does well financially. They don’t see it at all...until they get into a relationship or cross him in some way. I don't talk about it because I won't be believed. Also because I still blame myself and am so ashamed. I have had counselling which has helped a little but because I still see him, have children with him and can't get away it's not getting much better.
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I can't do this
15 replies
Unicornsandrainbows3 · 18/09/2016 09:16
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