Hello, i wasn't sure where to post this so I hope this is the right place.
I'm worried about a GP appt I have coming up where I will need an internal examination done by a female GP. I have some pain in my womb area and at my initial appointment she said to see the nurse for bloods and a urine sample and to book a second appt with her as she will need to do an internal examination to gain further info on what's causing my pain.
Thing is, every time I think of this appt I burst into tears because a couple of years ago I split from my ex husband as he was controlling and sexually abusive. I'm safe now and have my life sorted out but this internal examination coming up has stirred up all the memories and feelings I had and I don't think I'm going to be able to put myself in such a vulnerable position. I saw a different female GP before I split with the ex as I summoned up the courage to write a letter outlining the abuse and made a last minute appt to ask for help and showed her the letter. Unfortunately she berated me for wasting her time and said it was his issue and she sent me away feeling destroyed and isolated. So, I don't have any confidence in telling this new GP what I'm so terrified of with this examination. My usual GP who is excellent and supportive is a male and I can't possibly have him do the examination. I just don't know what to do.
I thought I was making some sort of recovery but with that aspect of his abuse I haven't recovered at all. I get triggered so easily, even my kids accidentally touching me during play, cuddles, etc in my whole lower body area triggers me still as does the thoughts of the GP using certain words instructing me during the process.
I promised my body I wouldn't dissociate from it and abandon it ever again whilst painful and degrading things happened to it but I just don't know how I'm going to get through this.
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Marital sexual abuse and GP examination
Rumblingtummy · 17/09/2016 23:12
I wonder if you're ability to dissociate might be regarded as a positive skill? A skill that can be used for occasions like this when stress and memory become the opponent, alongside the obvious factor of another "invading" your body? The difference is intent, of course. But that's easier said than done.
You can ask a doc to stop at any point and they must do that. You can change the appt but you do need this problem diagnosing and sorted. That decision, to get healed, is a choice you make. It's a "survival" choice in itself.
You did not "allow" anything in the past. You found a way to get through a situation you could not escape at the time. There have been books/studies written about this.
There's a lot about you that is very, very strong and, understandably, being unwell in this area goes straight to the core of you and your experiences. But this time you really are in control. I say this in the wake of the excellent advice to talk first with the GP you are happy with. That first GP was shit, no two ways about that.
By the sound of it you really need some procedures to establish what is going on in there. You'll do it, I know you will. Ask the good GP first and make a plan with him about a way forward. Some say that the injuries we receive are echoed in future ailments in some bizarre way. You've been hurt to the core and now it's time to get healing sorted out, at many levels. 
I'm a female Doc and see most of the ladies requiring intimate examinations. Unfortunately, it's very common to see ladies who have suffered awful abuse in the past. I would definitely let the GP know in advance - preferably by speaking to them over the phone but if that's too difficult, by letter. If I was seeing you I would book you into a double slot appointment and want to know exactly what the triggers were. On the day I would want to take my time, and if possible it would be great if you had a supportive friend/relative with you if possible who knows your back story. Plan an amazing treat for afterwards as a reward and remember you are doing this for you and your health. Nothing is more important than that.
Sending 
and wishing you good luck.
I think this is really hard. I am sorry the first female GP did not listen. It takes such courage to speak. Unfortunately many people still do not listen. That is their problem. You have done really well to get out the relationship, and get to a safe place. Use that knowledge, that you have done that much already, to draw strength.
I dissociate and sometimes it can be useful. But here, I think it is a case of uniting mind and body to heal, if that makes sense. How do you feel generally about your body and its abilities? Do you do any gym classes or swimming? Anything which uses your body safely as part of a group interaction? Physical sport helps you get back in touch with your body after trauma; I took lessons in a group for a sport needing lots of concentration. Then practiced when I could. It is hard when you are a single parent, but worth it.
That does not answer your question about lower body touching. I had similar issues when my smear was way over due. I cancelled several appointments but in the end, I explained. I also thought I had lost enough of my life.
You are making such important steps, it is hard. There are good suggestions in this thread, and it took courage to even post. The other thing to remember is that you are safe and speaking to your gp about your fears is a way of continuing to stay safe, emotionally and physically.
Our GP always has double slots for pelvic exams, so I agree asking for this is a good idea
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