Feel like such an idiot - I let him back in my life.

[Notgoingtobeamug]

I think I need some sense knocked into me. ExP is a complete cocklodger, told me on holiday he had been having an affair with a girl 12 years younger. Promised it was over then left me 1 month later for OW. I have posted about him before.

Life has been shit since then - it really has. We were together for 14 years, have a 3 year old DS. For the last 2 weeks he has been saying it was over with her, we haven't got back together but were spending time together as a family. I found out at the weekend he had been to see her last week to "collect his stuff". Apparently he did not tell me as he did not want to upset me about seeing her.

I admit, I was upset. I don't know what I want -ExP has treated me appallingly and I know me and DS deserve so much better.

Anyway, I filed it away and carried on thinking. Since then I have not seen him until he crept into the house at 4am this morning and got into bed with me and hugged me. I literally just lay there - didn't know what to say or think and did not want to wake DS. DS and I left this morning before he woke and I got a text this morning apologising for coming in like that. Coming in that time of the morning is standard behaviour for him (and he knows it makes me furious).

I have tried to call him many times today relating to DS. He has blocked me on his phone. I know this as it goes to voicemail if I call from my number but will ring properly if I withhold it.

I know this means he is back with OW. He has admitted he always used to block my number when he was with her so she did not see me calling him.

I feel sick. I am so angry, at him, at myself, at the whole world. I am sat here at my desk at work trying to keep it together and wanting to go punch him in the face.

I suppose, my fantasy was for him to change, to go back to being the man he once was, to beg me for forgiveness and to have the future I thought I was going to have. I feel like such an idiot for this worthless fantasy and so angry for putting myself through this.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Look - you have a child with him, a future you believed in, life was hard without him; so you gave him a second chance, which he promptly fucked up. That doesn't make you stupid. It makes you a hopeful and forgiving person, but also shows him to be unworthy of a third chance. Yes, it's going to be more difficult to extricate yourself again, but now you know it has to be done whereas before you may have had understandable doubts. It's going to be painful, but you are not an idiot.

You never know if a fantasy is worthless until you give it a go. OK, as it turned out, this one was. Better luck next time, but not with this double-tried, double-dyed snake.

[pinkyredrose]

Keep your doors locked and look forward to a new future, one where you're not taken for a fool by this pitiful excuse of a man.

[Cary2012]

Don't be so hard on yourself, you've given him every chance, that's ok.

You can now look yourself in the mirror knowing you tried to fix this, you couldn't have done more.

You know the next step, you have to grab your nerve and finish it for good.

It's over, you'll be fine.

We will hold your hand.

Keep posting, offload x

[Glutenforpunishmentnomore]

You tried your best for your ds, you are amazing and certainly not an idiot. Unfortunately some people are just not worth our energy. You can now start a fresh with your wonderful DS knowing in your heart you tried. You will meet someone lovely when you are ready to. Be kind to yourself, it sounds like you have your head firmly screwed on to me, your DS is a very lucky boy to have you X

[ohfourfoxache]

You are NOT an idiot. You tried your best to keep your family together and he betrayed you again.

Please don't beat yourself up