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DS dad is not financially supporting his DS and it's driving me mad!

(24 Posts)
notgivingin789 Sun 04-Sep-16 19:47:25

Hey all;

It has been about 7 months since I broke up with abusive ex (DS dad).

He hasn't bothered to see his child since..unless I'm the one doing the drop off.

I've always concluded that I didn't want anything (financial wise) from DS dad; that I can do it on my own and be an independent mum.

I quickly changed my mindset, when DS and I had a horrible couple of weeks. I finished studying and spent the remainder of my grants on graduation clothes, summer child care etc (as I was in my final year, STE don't fund towards childcare in the summer, but I had an extension and still had to go to uni back and forth); so I literally had no money left from that. Also; as I have finished studying, I'm entitled to receive back some benefits; though there was complications and it didn't get sorted and keep getting delayed. So I literally had to scrape money to buy some uniform bits for DS, allergen free food and so forth. It was horrendous. It was then and there that I realised that if I apply to child maintenance, that the money was for my DS, not because of the fact that it's coming from DS dad, but for the fact it can be used to help support our son.

For the past couple of months; I've been asking DS dad about when he will give me some money to support DS and to see DS. Recently, DS dad has just told me that his dad is dying; and that the reason why he doesn't feel to see DS at this present time (or ever!!) is because he knows that his child is alive and well, whereas his dad is dying and I'm bringing up stuff like I need him to support and see his DS (he hasn't financially supported his child for 6 years). I told him that I am very sorry about his dad and wish him well, but it doesn't mean that he needs to neglect his responsibilities (was that too harsh?).

I feel like DS dad is worried because he feels that if Home office knows that he doesn't provide for his child (how wold they know anyway?) that he may face implications. But I don't care, as that's not my problem. I just want him to financially provide for his child.

What do you mums netters think? Or am I being insensitive.

Cabrinha Sun 04-Sep-16 19:59:14

Go to CMS and raise a claim.
He should be paying for his child.
His father dying doesn't come into that.

Home Office? Is your ex British or has he made a claim to stay in the UK that is based on him having a child here? The only reason I can think of that would concern the HO is if he was claiming asylum here and lying that he was regularly seeing his son when he isn't.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 04-Sep-16 20:01:17

He is financially responsible for his child. Would suggest you contact CMS and make a claim.

Isetan Sun 04-Sep-16 20:03:00

What has the Home Office got to do with it and what possible implications could there be? Contact the newest incarnation of the CSA and let them deal with him, don't waste your time appealing to the better nature of someone who doesn't have one.

ImperialBlether Sun 04-Sep-16 20:05:06

If he's in the country because he's technically with you and if he's making no attempt to see his son, then tell the Home Office exactly that.

princessmi12 Sun 04-Sep-16 20:11:43

Tell home office exactly that
Then he'll get deported or will not have legal papers to work, and how's that going to help DS exactly?

notgivingin789 Sun 04-Sep-16 20:15:31

Regarding the home office; his only in the country because of his son and his worried that they will find out that he hasn't been supporting his son-- he had to his renew his visa thing two weeks ago. I don't know the implications; I just know that's what his worried about. But I don't really care.

So you guys don't think I'm being heartless? DS dad told me that I was selfish. But I can't go on, it was horrendous, I broke down when I was scraping to get anything for DS.

princessmi12 Sun 04-Sep-16 20:19:51

Looks like your ex is a twat of highest order. Unfortunately you won't benefit from reporting him to home office. Because if he gets send back, it will be up to you to arrange ds visits to see his father and you definitely won't see a penny of support.
Try to threaten him with telling home office. It's risky but what do you have to loose? CSA might or might not help but worth a try too.

notgivingin789 Sun 04-Sep-16 20:20:24

Oh, DS dad did threaten me that in the past about applying for child maintance. To come to think of it, is it worth applying? Even though he may endanger me?

princessmi12 Sun 04-Sep-16 20:22:22

Endanger you how exactly? Do you have legal status problems too?

notgivingin789 Sun 04-Sep-16 20:22:47

Thanks princess I'm not going to report him. All I care about is him having a relationship with his son and financially supporting him. If he doesn't want to see DS, then I can't force him; but he needs to provide for how child anyhow.

notgivingin789 Sun 04-Sep-16 20:23:46

Oh I mean he will most likely hurt me.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Sun 04-Sep-16 20:25:36

How are you selfish for wanting provision made for your child? Wonder what ex fil would think of his ds if he knew the situation? Phone cms tomorrow. And the home office.

princessmi12 Sun 04-Sep-16 20:27:30

Does he actually work? Does he have steady income and permanent job? If not then SCA can't do anything.

notgivingin789 Sun 04-Sep-16 20:29:39

Thanks my; I guess I still haven't gotten over putting myself at fault and believing when DS dad tells me that I'm selfish. I don't think there's any point telling HO, they won't do anything. They must have an inkling that he hasn't been supporting or providing for his child.

notgivingin789 Sun 04-Sep-16 20:31:20

Hi princess what's SCA? His currently on benefits, he may be working, but he would not tell me. I heard that if you apply for CM, and the person receives benefits then the maximum you can get is £7.00 a week. That would be really helpful and I could save that.

princessmi12 Sun 04-Sep-16 20:32:56

OP don't listen to those advice to call home office. Home office don't care about your son, all they care is another refusal on visa and possible deportation. Your ex might change his behaviour and might start contributing one way or another(through SCA or private arrangements ), but if he gets legal status refused, it makes much harder for him to earn money and subsequently harder for you to get support for ds.
Also how do you explain your ds later what happened to his father and why he's not in the UK?

jeaux90 Sun 04-Sep-16 20:32:57

He won't hurt you. You tell him if he lifts a finger at you the police will know and then he will be properly effed up. If he won't contribute tell him you will raise a claim for cm. By the way I am not sure what country he is from but in some cases child support arrangements are enforceable when they are not in the country. It depends whether we have a reciprocal agreement or not with that country. But you would have had to of raised a claim.

smilingeyes11 Sun 04-Sep-16 20:33:26

If he has threatened you then you need to go to the police. If he is such an abuser should ds actually be spending time with him anyway? You certainly need to claim with CMS and if there is a history of abuse they can waive the £20 fee. And as for home office - well that is not your problem. If he is in the country illegally then that is up to him to worry about.

princessmi12 Sun 04-Sep-16 20:34:41

CSA apologies
Child support agency or child maintenance

princessmi12 Sun 04-Sep-16 20:37:18

I'm confused now
I thought only sitizens and those having leave to remain entitled to benefits ?

notgivingin789 Sun 04-Sep-16 20:40:49

Thanks princess and your right about HO; I think the only time they would care is if DS dad gets convicted over something and ends up in prison.smiling he is still allowed to see DS even though he was abusive towards him.

Yes I'm going to put a claim into CM and I'm not going to allow myself to feel guilty about. It's for DS and he needs it.

ImperialBlether Sun 04-Sep-16 20:41:52

Hmm you are all more forgiving than I am. He's been separated for seven months and has made no attempt to see his son. His son is the only reason he's allowed in the country. He's made no attempt to pay anything for his son's upkeep and says the OP is selfish for suggesting it.

I can't think of a reason for not reporting him.

notgivingin789 Sun 04-Sep-16 20:42:22

Oops sorry; he has a remain to leave (visa type card thing) but he needs to keep on applying every year for the next 5 or 10 years or so, then he can apply to British citizenship.

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