Please someone tell me - am I being a total cow??

[summerblonde]

So so so peed off! It is time of the month as well so not sure if IABU.

DP works 6 days a week, self-employed. I love the man but it is his 'golden ticket' by that I mean if there is ever an argument or anything, he goes on about how hard it is being self employed, I don't know what it is like etc etc. I work full time and also sorted out every single day child care over the summer, do all washing, cleaning etc. The last few weeks he has been working until gone 8pm (and yes he is working before any suspicious minds start!). This means i am doing all dinner, bath, bedtime on a night. He left for work at 8am and literally just walked through the door to announce he is now working all day again tomorrow. I am so peed off, it is the one day we have together. I have been sat in all day with DC, raining out and to be honest i am skint. I am not knocking his work ethic. He said if he doesn't complete the job he won't get paid and unless the money to cover the rent then that's that. Urgh. Just feel so wound up, we are both in our mid thirties and I feel like life is just passing us by working. Is this it now then? Slogging our guts out like passing ships in the night.

[QuiteLikely5]

Is he working so hard so that you are t going to be skint in the future? Is there lots of debt?

Why is he working 12 hour days?

[summerblonde]

Thanks for the reply.

It is is own business and after years of building it up things are turning a corner. There is no massive debt and yes he says he is working for our future. I just feel it is me doing everything else in between plus having a full time job. Then to spend all evening and weekends just me and DC - surely here has to be some work/life balance?

[Livelovebehappy]

DH is self employed and works long hours all week and a lot of weekends too. My Dc's are grown up though so I guess my situation is easier as I can just do my own thing. I try to be understanding as being self employed is having to work whilst the work is there; you can't predict whether next month or next year that they will be as busy, and it's all about keeping customers happy. Better that he is like this and responsibly ensuring earning money to pay bills and rent etc, than being a bum and not earning. I agree though; it's a pain. Can you get him to pencil in a couple of weekends a month to take on no work just to free up some family time? You would probably not bother too much then if you knew you could look forward to his company at least EOW.

[spangleknickers]

Hmmmmmm - no. You are not being unreasonable. I get that he works hard but you are holding the fort at home and you are also working full time (guessing you are making less money) which is actually doing two massive jobs. He is reaping the financial rewards because - this is important - you aren't married and should you split and the house is not in your name, all the massive support you have given him whilst getting his business to 'turn the corner' will mean nothing - you will be entitled to nothing. I have learnt this to my cost. I worked my arse off and paid all the bills whilst my (D!)P squirrelled masses of cash into his bank and property empire. I am also in masses of debt and blacklisted because he would not contribute. Your situation sounds far less extreme but I totally get that you had mentally planned a day together, and a day where you would have some support instead of single parenting. I may come across as bitter, but sometimes you need to take these things into consideration. On a positive note...if your relationship is lovely then these years of hard graft will be worth it once his business really takes off. Perhaps it will take the pressure off you a bit. Advice though. Get married. It's insurance and strangely, it gives you freedom should things go horribly wrong

[ZippyNeedsFeeding]

I'm self employed so I feel the fear of work running out and falling behind with everything if I take some time off. The thing is, you have to take a decent break at least once a week to make sure you are working effectively for the rest of the time. It's really hard, but it's better than crashing and burning because of no rest or days off for months on end.

I took a hard look at my working patterns and worked how I could manage to work more efficiently and manage my time better. I was working 15 hours a day, every day- including Christmas. Now I schedule regular days off and feel refreshed and able to work better afterwards. My income has increased and my health is no longer in (as much) danger.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

If it were me, and it has been me, then it is OK if you make a joint decision about extra hours and he is openly grateful for you doing his share of the house and child work while he earns extra.

Being taken for granted is what would grind me down. I'd be aggrieved at the assumption that child and home were all "mine", so he doesn't have to negotiate me taking on his "share" of that when he wants to work longer hours.

I don't know how you change that situation, if he doesn't feel he has responsibilities to run the home and children. Perhaps, find out from him when he is planning to start doing his share? Perhaps suggest that, say, in a year's time you want to do a course or an evening job on top of the day job, so he will have to do what you've been doing. Maybe that will shock him into realising you are doing him a favour at present.

[summerblonde]

Hi all, thanks so much for your replies, I really appreciate the advice. A lot of it helps.

Spangleknickers - you do not sound bitter at all, it makes complete sense, yes I earn a bit less but contribute pretty much like for like when it comes to household bills and to be honest I probably spend more , I buy the majority of DC's clothes as and when they are needed, plus taking her out at the weekend etc. As we contribute the same, he does 'squirrel' (if not for a better word) his money away so he can buy parts, pay wages and then reap the benefit when the customer pays the final bill. Which is fine, I like to pay my way 50/50, it is something that is very important to me. Although I am not self employed i totally appreciate it must be a lot of pressure, always trying to keep a decent cash flow and that is why i tend to take a lot of it on the chin. But yes I DO feel taken for granted, it's a given that every Saturday he will work as he knows I will be there to have DC and that during the week i will break my next to leave my desk at 5pm and be a DC after school care for 5.30. I have told him all this he is fully aware, he knows it a lot for me to do. My mum comes up every other weekend so maybe I should take more advantage and nip off and do something nice for myself. That's the other thing, I feel a good stone overweight, I really wanted to join the gym on Friday but when I looked at it the logistics I thought when am I going to have the time to go?!