Do I stay or should I go...............?????

[ddrmum]

Really sorry if this is silly but I'd appreciate opinions etc as I have doubts about my relationship with a lovely man. We have always got on really well and have been together nearly 4yrs but don't live together. I am the block on engagement/marriage and living together as I'm happy as we are - perhaps I'm just selfish?
I have 3 DC with exH and my bf has no children or has ever been married or really lived long term with anyone. We are both mid 40s.
We've recently returned from our first overseas holiday which is the longest time he has spent with either myself or the children. It went reasonably well, but there were a couple of issues mostly around not having any time 'together' and he sulked which I let him get on with. Everything settled down afer a couple of days and the holiday continued without further incident.
For a few months now I have been finding him 'difficult' to deal with - nothing that I can point at specifically so have thought that it might be a new job role he has taken on or perhaps it's me as I've also been having a stressful few months at work and general juggling of childcare & summer holidays/ costs of uniform and general pressure of being a single working mum.
He's blown a bit hot/cold since we got back and admits that he's a bit 'out of sorts' and has been for a while & that the holiday wasn't what he has envisaged. A bit of an email battle ensued and I pointed out that he mentioned his ex 3 times and her mum (who 'loves him') when he was irritated with me & the children. It prompted me to ask did he subconsciously realise that he needs someone without other priorities - I was accused of being spiteful and cheap.
I am beginning to think it's not me but perhaps it's run it natural course. He doesn't gaslight or anything like that and isn't abusive but there's something not quite right and I'd appreciate any views. I suppose I'd like advice on whether to take a bit of a break to evaluate how I feel or just call it a day? I feel a bit sad but not heartbroken - I suppose that says it all really..................TIA

[rhuhbarb4]

Take a break and see how it goes if you miss him terribly then maybe it's worth working at. See how he is with the idea mention it him and his reaction will probably tell you all you need to know. Mentioning your ex 3 times while on a holiday with you and your children after the offness for a few months would probably have been the last straw for me but I'm not in your position.

[ddrmum]

That's kinda been my thinking too Rhubarb - he denies it!! Thanks

[Greenandmighty]

Sounds like you hit a nerve when you suggested to him that he needs someone without other priorities. I should take a break and the fact you're not too upset does speak volumes. See how you feel after a month's break from him.

[ddrmum]

Thanks Greenandmighty. I think that's probably the best way forward - it really did hot a nerve as he thinks he understands family dynamics but he really doesn't. He's used to other relying on him and I don't.

[OhTheRoses]

I think if you have to ask you know the answer. I think you need to put the dc first. Can you ever see him doing that?

[M0rven]

We get on really well
We've been together 4 years but I don't want to live with him
I'm happy as I am
He isn't abusive but there's something not quite right
A bit sad but not heartbroken

says it all

[MeMySonandl]

Hmm... He seems like the sort of person that may get a bit resentful of the time you have to devote to other responsibilities (your children).

For me that is a huge red flag. I was in your position years ago, he was great with DS but spent a long time cursing ExH after he decided to stop seeing DS and therefore leaving us with no weekends on our own.

I could never see beyond that, he had started to resent DS being around and although is difficult to have children around all the time, I couldn't see the thing was going to get better, only worse.

I think it is better to let him go now, when you don't feel too bothered about ending it than waiting until things are more tangled.

[doji]

Not wanting to be married/live together seems to be important to you. Is that just while the kids are young, or longer term? Is it just him you don't want to commit to, or anyone at all? Does he want more commitment? Is this something that causes issues between you?

I know I'm focusing on only one point here, but you mention it several times, and it may be a definite reason that you should split. You can't really compromise on living together and marriage. If these are things he wants, and you don't, then yes, you should split. It's not wrong or selfish to feel this way, just so long as you aren't keeping him hanging on saying you might change your mind in future, if you're unlikely to.

[ddrmum]

M0rven - sadly I think you're right.
Memysonandi - yes, that does concern me as we all know the reality of family life is very different from 'visiting'. He is generally great with the kids but I can see issues with the eldest on the horizon especially during holiday. My DC are always my priority so no compromise there.
Doji - yes that's it. He wants more commitment and I'm happy as I am and don't see that changing in the near future. I'm independent & care about him very much but just don't want to go through the trauma of another nasty split for the children (they're all《12). He's the only partner they've met. It's unfair to let him think anything will change - I've always been very honest.
Had the divorce from hell and exh is violent & narcissistic etc.

[SleepingTiger]

Sounds like hard work to me.