Need some advice please.
My partner and I have been together for 12 years. We have a 2 ½ year old daughter. We aren’t married.
When my partner and I first got together we both owned our own homes. In 2009 we decided to make the step and move in together, get a puppy and take the relationship to a more committed level. It was agreed that I would sell my house as it seemed the better option for traveling to work, lifestyle and dog walking. I wasn’t overly happy to sell my house but understood it was a sacrifice I would make on behalf of the relationship. As a consequence I had to move further away from my family, I had to give up some hobbies I really enjoyed and I had to give up my pet cat that I was very fond of because he couldn’t get along with my partners cat.
Shortly after I moved in and with the pressure of having a boisterous puppy running around the place things became strained and pressures built up. I realised my life I enjoyed before was over but was committed to making the relationship work so adjusted my lifestyle and the things I enjoyed to fit in with my partner. Similarly she had to come to terms with another person living in her house and it was probably equally difficult for her.
After accepting my life had changed things settled down and the relationship began to work for us and we were happy. However, in the meantime her house location became a little on the rough side. Cars were being stolen from the street, vandalism was on the increase and groups of young adolescents would cause trouble on a night time especially when they had been drinking alcohol .
We decided it was time to move and buy a house together. My partner’s parents had moved out to the country a few years previously and it was always my partner’s intention to move close to them as they got older and I wanted to ensure my partner was happy. By coincidence a property in our price range had just gone up for sale in her parent’s village. The property ticked all the boxes for us. Having viewed the property twice we both fell in love with it and decided to put an offer in which was accepted.
I was happy to move out to the country because I knew this is what my partner would have wanted to do in the near future anyway. I suppose I did push for the move more than her simply because I knew we would have to relocate near her parents at some point anyway. The house was perfect for us and similar types of properties within our price range don’t come to market very often. The only negatives from my point of view were the increased mortgage payments and travel expenses, additional travel time to and from work and I was again moving further away from my own family including my twin bother whom I am very close to.
Nevertheless I was happy to move there for her and we had a nice couple of years together. My partner could see her parents on a daily basis, I could walk the dogs and the village felt very safe. We were content there and decided to take the relationship on another step and try for a baby.
My partner became pregnant and we were over the moon. Soon afterwards we or should I say I began to look at our current living circumstances. The house, in my opinion would be too small for two adults, two large breed dogs, a baby and all the clutter that comes along with the arrival of a new born and accumulates year on year as they get older. I explained to my partner we should look for a bigger house and she resisted trying to reassure me we could manage and reminded me of the reason why we had moved there in the first place…. her parents. OK fair enough I backed down and agreed to see how things pan out.
Our daughter arrived and as predicted the house felt like it was half the size it was before. Not only that but the location of the property, being quite isolated, began to irritate me and the two issues I had with the place soon began to wear me down. I began to hate my daily 2 hour drive per day to and from work. The road to work is probably the most dangerous in our region and there are often car crashes and fatalities. I’d been in numerous near misses along that road but on one of these particular near misses I had my baby daughter in the car with me after picking her up from nursery. This shook me up contributed to a bout of anxiety and depression which I have under control by taking medication.
With the isolation of the house it takes at least 2 hours driving on a weekend to get anywhere. I’m the only one that drives so I’m relied upon by my partner to take her places. She complains about the poor public transport where we currently live so I feel obliged to taxi her about the place.
Another major issue for me is that the schools in the area aren’t great either and time is ticking to make an important decision on her educational path.
About 6 months after the birth of my daughter I was offered the chance to buy my sister and brother out of the old family home. This is a house I’d grown up in from the age of 3 till I left home at the ripe old age of 24 or 25. The property is twice the size of the current house and my parents haven’t lived there for 6 years. It was redeveloped 7 years ago and is currently used as rental income for my parents. Not only is the house twice the size but the garden is huge, roughly 4 times the size we have now and it’s perfect for my daughter and our dogs. We’d be buying the house for 2/3 its value given 1/3 is already mine. I was told by my parents that if nobody wants it then it’ll put on the market for sale and the proceeds would be split 3 ways.
I mentioned the prospect of moving to the bigger house to my partner and she told me she doesn’t want to move to my old house despite me putting in the vast majority all of the money to buy it anyway. The house happens to be in a very attractive, popular and sought after location. Public transport is fantastic , shops are abundant and within 5 minutes walking distance from the front door and the schools are top rate which is in complete contrast to our current location.
I’ve suggested trying it out for 1 year and if after that time she feels the same way then we can move somewhere else as a compromise. She said no. The house fits all the criteria we need and I’ll be heartbroken to lose it but accept, begrudgingly that it has to go if neither myself, brother nor sister want it. I’ll be even more heartbroken to know the house has slipped away from us without even trying it out for 1 year. My daughter would love the outside space and the closeness of my family and her 4 young cousins. It’ll be such a shame for her not to experience a large family setting. She doesn’t have this in the current location and only see’s her cousins on the odd occasion but not enough to develop a relationship or bond.
Anyway the crux of the argument is my partner does not want to leave her mother alone in the village. Her father died 9 months ago and her mother who is now in her 70’s would be alone.
I’d suggested we all move together but this has been hit with resistance from both my partner and her mother.
I can understand that my partner feels torn by the idea of leaving her mother behind. However she’d only be a 50 minute drive away so we can get to her very quickly if need be. She can learn to drive and visit when ever she likes also her mother can drive and visit whenever she likes. I’d made this very clear to my partner. I’ve also made it clear that the reason for moving is primarily to find a bigger home in the right location with the best schools for our daughter and to reduce our monthly outgoings by quite a considerable margin, approx. £500 per month, which would be enough to make a real difference to our lifestyle. The fact my family live in and around the town is secondary to my argument and is not the primary reason for wanting to move back. I’ve lived apart from my family for 15 years so this is not the driving force behind my desire to move back to my home town. My work travel time and expenses would be cut in half which is great for me because I get more time with my daughter in the morning and evening. On top of that our mortgage and childcare costs would be dramatically reduced. The public transport is so much better than our current location and the town is right in the middle of where we like to be for weekend activities. Plus I’d be away from that horrible road I have to drive along sometimes 4 times a day. It fills me with dread every time I have my daughter in the car.
Anyway she refuses to agree to the move and maintains that she has to stay close to her mother who is in good health I should add. She thinks it’s unfair to leave her mother to go and live near my family. I’ve explained that this is all for our daughter and our relationship and that her mother could easily sell up and move to the same town if she wanted. We could even build a detached bungalow in the garden for her mother to live in if needed. My partner is adamant that she does not want to move into my old house or my home town or any where near it for that matter. She wants to remain within 10 miles of her mother. This has really rocked the relationship to the point where I know I will come to resent her, if not already, for not attempting the move for our daughter’s sake and that she has not even considered my strong personal feelings and attachment to my family home and town.
In hindsight I’d still make the move to the village for my partner because at the time it was the right thing to do. She and her parents have benefited a lot from having each other close by in the last 5 years but priorities change and what was once important yesterday doesn’t mean it is equally as important today. Things changed dramatically with the arrival of our daughter and our priorities changed so I’m sorry to say the reason for the move to her parent’s village is redundant to me now. My daughter has to come first.
The 3 questions I need to ask are. Am I being selfish?
Am I being unfair by asking her to move away from her recently widowed mother?
Is it unreasonable for me to ask her to try my old home for 1 year?
I just want the best for my daughter but feel my partner is putting her mother before me our relationship. I don’t get the feeling that what I want matters to her. I’ve said we could wait and begin to make steps to move next spring. I get anxious that time is ticking and before I know it my daughter will be grown up and we’ve wasted a portion of our lives in a place I really don’t want to be. I just don’t know what to do and really fear for the relationship and more importantly our little daughter.
This has been dragging on for 3 years and it’s really getting me to the point of despair so much so it’s started to have a quite severe and detrimental effect on my mood and it has all but destroyed the relationship. My partner argues that she doesn’t see the current relationship as strong enough for her to make the move and be away from her mother. It’s a vicious circle I’m in at the moment. The relationship is failing because of where we live and its effect on me. I would like her to take a leap of faith and move but it’s like compromising with a brick wall at times. She says the relationship has to improve before she even considers moving. I’m utterly convinced a move would be the right thing to do. I don’t want the relationship to fail.
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MAN NEEDING ADVICE - PLEASE READ
QWERTY38 · 25/08/2016 14:07
Although I think you have reasonable grounds for wanting to move, it's as other posters said - you pushed for the first move, so now I think it is slightly unreasonable for you to push for this one as well 
It sounds as though it's more of an issue with the relationship. Pressuring her to move house won't help with that.
I completely understand why the current location isn't working for you. I know several couples where one half became very depressed after a move where it worked for one and not the other. It is a horrible position to be stuck in. However, whether it works for her or not, if it isn't working for you to the point of making you ill, then WHY does your DP still want to stay? I can't imagine feeling happy somewhere that my DH hated to the point of depression. Also the family home you want is really not all that far away from her Mum, it isn't as though you want to move hundreds of miles away! We live in a rural location and drive that distance all the time to get to larger shops etc. I'm also surprised that your partner isn't more bothered about being near to a really good school?
To me, you both sound sad and unhappy. Your partner seems to be living alone while living with you, making food just for herself etc (I think that is particularly strange) . She is obviously stil grieving, and I sympatise very much with that-I know I felt very out-of-kilter with the world for at least a year after my father died. I also felt lonely, as although DH was sympathetic, he hadn't been through it. Perhaps your partner feels that only her mother can understand how she is feeling? I hate to say this but you don't sound like a couple. You sound like two separate people with a child in common. I do think that relationship counselling would be a good idea, at least then you will know whether your partner is actually committed to the relationship or not. Have you ever thought that your partner may have Aspergers? I did slightly wonder that from your post, for various reasons. I may of course be completely wrong, it is just a thought that came to me. Clearly you can't go on like this. If she won't go to Relate and she won't consider your feelings then I don't see how you can go on- if that happens then perhaps selling the home you have and each getting somewhere else would be the best move. Sorry things are so rough. 
btw I'm sorry things are so fraught 
It really is quite a risk coming onto an internet forum with complex difficulties like this - yes, sometimes people post who have great clarity and wisdom (and experience) but it's a risk. Much better to take it to the professionals - whose job it is to unpick complex difficulties with skill and kindness. It's not a given you'll get kindness on somewhere like here op.
Could you book some therapy for yourself?
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