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told him I'm done, now need to get my ducks lined up - help!

9 replies

FlounderingWildly · 22/08/2016 16:51

I've posted on here previously a few months ago about my H and our problems, since then we've had counselling which is really helping both of us however H recently returned to form with some things he's done which basically completely demean my role in our relationship. I have now told him, in the presence of our counsellor, that I am done. I do not wish to do this anymore. I think this is finally getting through to him but it is too little too late. I now need to get my ducks in a row as the next step seems like it is perilously close to stepping off into separation and divorce.
Are screenshots of documents enough to file away for the time being? I have details of our mortgage (the ref number and a shot of our most recent statement, plus earlier documents which were signed when we bought our house). I have a screenshot of H's most recent UK pension statement however we have been living abroad (in Europe) for 2 years and anything for this company is all online which I do not have access to.
What else do I need to do?
I know deep down I'm doing the right thing as he will never change but I am starting to get nervous with regard to squaring up to him in terms of a settlement and me coming back to the UK with the kids. I need to find a solicitor with knowledge of this (although we are both english). I think what worries me is that his dad has enough financial back up to hire a SHL for him and I would have to find someone who could take their fee from the settlement.
If anyone has some good advice or even just a hand to hold I'd be grateful. The thought of telling the kids once we have agreed on a plan fills me with dread. Please tell me it'll be ok

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doubletrouble41 · 22/08/2016 16:55

Not been in exactly same scenario but have done a breakup with father of DS when she was little and though it felt overwhelmingly disastrous and terrifying at time, everything turned out fine, she was not emotionally scarred and we got back on our feet and were happy on our own quicker than I expected. Chin up, you can do this xxxxxx

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doubletrouble41 · 22/08/2016 16:56

DD not DS.... I'm not the sharpest, sorry! x

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Cary2012 · 22/08/2016 17:16

Are you going to petition him? What grounds? You need five examples, if it's unreasonable behaviour.

You do need a SHL.

Play your cards close to your chest for now. get an hour's free advice from a family lawyer, or two, when you return. CAB can give you the numbers of local solicitors.

Don't discuss anything with him. That's what the solicitor you appoint if for. Don't tell him what you are doing, be a couple of steps ahead.

The solicitor will need to see original paper copies of stuff, don't worry about that for now.

I had to borrow money for the divorce, and pay my solicitor monthly, but she was worth every penny and more.

Good luck.

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FlounderingWildly · 22/08/2016 17:42

Thanks for the replies. I'm hoping that continued counselling will help with deciding the next step but I also want to be prepared to get legal at a moments notice if that makes sense. H is not a horrible man but there are fundamental financial issues in our relationship that are unacceptable to me and I've had enough. My one and only idea is continuing with the nicely discussing it route until that can go no further, then being fully prepared and armed with knowledge when I need to be. It's all feeling a bit real at the moment

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Cary2012 · 22/08/2016 17:46

I'd been to CAB, had a SHL revving up in the background for weeks before I chucked my ex out. Best thing I did, very reassuring and empowering.

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FreeFromHarm · 22/08/2016 17:57

Try and get a pay slip/ bank statement and credit card statements of his, I would not continue counseling with him but let your solicitor deal with everything.
if its financial abuse you are dealing with its abuse, you might be able to get legal aid, but its means tested and has very strict criteria, I am not qualified just going through this myself.

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FlounderingWildly · 23/08/2016 11:34

Kind of a stupid question but what do you actually discuss with the solicitor at the free sessions they do? Are there certain things I should know to ask about?

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Cary2012 · 23/08/2016 11:46

My first session with the SHL I appointed covered a lot of background, salary, mortgage, bills etc, grounds for divorce. However we hit the ground running because her company had sent me a detailed questionaire beforehand which I had completed and sent back. So she had a lot of info prior to our first meet. She spent some time explaining the steps, the process, her fees etc.

I agree with Freefrom, I'd ditch the counselling, focus on the solicitor route.

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FlounderingWildly · 23/08/2016 12:05

I think I'm prepared to give at least 2 or 3 more sessions with a counsellor. Our next session is due to focus on what we each individually want from our lives and how we can then both move forward a bit more happily. I need to do this for my own sake, we've been together for 18 years and he's by no means a horrible person, although I am way more 'eyes open' in terms of the things he says as opposed to what will actually happen. I want to hear what he has to say. So far the counselling, whilst not stopping him from doing the things that have brought us here, has certainly given us a much better understanding of each other.
Thats interesting she sent you a questionaire. I guess it helps them guide you through what they know you need to know.