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I am a fool! Stern words and hand holding needed.

(17 Posts)
Joydgreen88 Mon 22-Aug-16 15:59:10

I've posted about my OH when I first found out I was pregnant. Bit of backstory:

We had a really tough time, I found out he was still talking to his ex wife on a near daily basis, had just found out I was pregnant and it all came to a head and culminated in us breaking up. He said he wanted nothing to do with me or baby, and accused me of awful things like drug binges and heavy drinking - none of which were true, and were fuelled by his ex wife's vendetta. I was devastated, as single motherhood never factored into plan. But I gritted my teeth and got on.

Fast-forward to the 12 week scan, at the beginning of July. He came with me and afterwards it was like a switch had turned, and he became this kind, loving, gentle person. Nothing was too much trouble. He would do my food shopping for me and drop it over on his lunch break, took me baby shopping, came over for supper a few times a week and we talked and laughed and I stupidly let myself start falling again.

Last night, he came over after a weekend away and I really missed him. We made dinner, had a cosy night in, and I couldn't be happier. Until I STUPIDLY let my curiosity get the better of me, and when he was sleeping checked his phone to see if he was still in touch with the ex wife. Of course he is, with the added bonus of he has also been seeing someone else who has a young baby. I am beyond devastated, as I really (foolishly) thought that we could maybe be a little family in the future. I am angry at myself more than anything, for letting that thought into my head. But it hurts, so bloody much!

adora1 Mon 22-Aug-16 16:03:08

What made you think anything had changed, he has and is treating you appallingly, just end it now so he can't hurt you any more, you can easily raise a child without him, he sounds a complete waste of your time and energy.

Why do you want him anyway, he's toxic and evil.

Tiggeryoubastard Mon 22-Aug-16 16:03:17

Why can't he talk to his ex wife? confused

MooPointCowsOpinion Mon 22-Aug-16 16:06:23

Oh god that's shit. He clearly isn't planning on being monogamous with you.

He should no longer factors in to your plans, and you should spend some time away from him to detox yourself from him. Don't be angry at yourself, anyone would want what you wanted, but it's not happening and it's time to have a new plan.

Don't do the pick me dance, don't get angry. Just get cold.

Joydgreen88 Mon 22-Aug-16 16:07:37

Didn't make that clear! He was talking to her on a near daily basis, they didn't have any children, pets or financial ties and had been seperated for a long time. It honestly made me very uncomfortable.

I know. I guess I was just clinging onto that stupid ideal of mum and dad raising a baby and let my guard down.

adora1 Mon 22-Aug-16 16:11:45

Men like him thrive on women like you OP that open your door to him, next time make sure you shut it as hard as you can when you see his face there. He's about as trustworthy as Donald Trump.

MooPointCowsOpinion Mon 22-Aug-16 16:15:36

The baby could be the making of you, you become so fierce when it comes to protecting your child. Imagine how much he would fuck about his kid if you were to keep him around, weekends gone, turning up late. One decent parent is better than the emotional damage a barely available dad can do.

adora1 Mon 22-Aug-16 16:25:44

I raised my daughter alone and she has turned out amazing, my sister was in a shit marriage and her now adult child is swamped with issues of confidence, nervousness, agitation etc.....my daughter never had to witness me fighting with a partner or having to listen to arguments or knowing something was wrong and being uncomfortable, from what you write, he'd made an even more useless parent.

Joydgreen88 Mon 22-Aug-16 16:53:41

I haven't even told him I know yet. He still thinks he's got his cake and going to eat it too. I have NO IDEA how I'm going to broach this.

Pendu Mon 22-Aug-16 17:02:12

Don't tell him.

Just say you think you need distance as it's not appropriate and you need space to get yourself together for when you find a new relationship, and that having an ex hovering in the background isn't the type of start you want to any new relationship, or something along those lines.

keepingonrunning Mon 22-Aug-16 17:02:14

He's playing you, the ex and others off against each other to gratify his insatiable ego. You are far from the first and you won't be the last, don't beat yourself up about it.
Do you really know his ex has a vendetta or is it something you heard from him - because it could easily be a lie?
Get advice before naming him on the birth certificate. If you do name him he will have financial responsibilities towards your DC but weigh that up against being able to airbrush him out of your life, without him forever messing you and DC about, demanding access visits when no one else is paying him attention. You do not want this toxic person around, especially when you are wanting to create your happy ever after with a man who respects and appreciates you.

HuskyLover1 Mon 22-Aug-16 17:02:21

Was the content of the texting sexual? It could be that he and ExW have remained friends, and nothing more? I know a few couples like this. And what has he been texting to the other woman?

Tiggeryoubastard Mon 22-Aug-16 17:05:55

I still don't get why he can't talk to his ex?

Joydgreen88 Mon 22-Aug-16 17:08:51

It definitely wasn't friendship messaging to the ex wife, he was divulging a lot of info about our relationship, and you was using him as an emotional crux. He's been dating the other woman! The first one was the day after the 12 week scan, and has been seeing her regularly since then. Whilst giving me the impression we were going to give it another go. We weren't officially together, which I'm sure will be his excuse, but I'm just gobsmacked that he has the guts to do it. The 20 week scan is next week, and I can't imagine him not being there. What a mess.

Joydgreen88 Mon 22-Aug-16 17:09:19

She not you!

Joydgreen88 Mon 22-Aug-16 17:11:07

Ok Tigger, you might not mind it at all, but I really didn't want a third person in my relationship. Ex's are that for a reason, to continue contacting her wasn't ending the relationship, but that's just my opinion!

Hissy Mon 22-Aug-16 18:42:49

Just distance yourself from him. Don't see him, don't text him, don't reply I messages or calls. Don't tell him a single thing about anything anymore.

He's not for you.

Let him play his silly games with the non-ex and the poor sap he's dating now.

You're better than that. And so is your child.

Start the distance now, then he won't have as much influence in the child's life. A man like him will let you down, let the child down and hurt him/her.

Nobody is worth that.

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